This review is done on an assignment for the PDG Review class.
|This is my review of the short piece that was given as the assignment for Week Two of the PDG Review Workshop.
The goal within this review is to impart an honest review with a kindness that will help the writer improve without causing them to be too badly bruised. I found this piece a challenge to do but it was a good challenge.
I will greet this writer with a cheery ‘hi’ and their name, like any of my reviews.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of the Paper Doll Gang’s Review Workshop.
I have just read your short piece, which I found when given this assignment and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. Use what you feel you can and disregard the rest.
I get a sense of this character and his desire to do well in his new position as Angel. You do well getting across his fears and trepidation for this ceremony and for that, I see potential in this piece. I am intrigued to know what his assignment is going to be.
Arok is the main character and the narrator of this piece. You do an excellent job of showing his anxiety and concerns.
Lady Noella is the ‘dominion in charge of all principality-dominion interactions’. She is not as clearly defined and I would really like more description and definition about who and what she is. I would watch that when you refer to Lady Noella you remain consistent in her address – I prefer the capitalization of both Lady and Noella – there are times when you do not do this, but I think that is more an issue of editing.
I understand this is a graduation ceremony. I would like more description of the setting itself. Taking care to describe the setting would make it clearer to the reader that this is not just any graduation ceremony. It would pull the elements of fantasy into the story at the beginning, where it is needed.
The last paragraph has the most potential – the intrigue of what the assignment is to be holds my interest and I would read on to find out.
I would suggest starting with a description of the ceremony that is taking place and painting a picture of what your main character is seeing – that way your reader has more involvement in the ceremony and is even more invested in connecting with the character. It would also define your story. I did not realize this was a fantasy story until I came to the end of the first paragraph and wings appeared. That startled me.
Some of the errors I noticed could easily be fixed with a closer look. For instance, this is one section of your story:
“Introduce yourself” lady noellas clear voice ringed through the hall. it was crucial that my voice sounded steady and confident. The fact that I felt nearly ready to fall over right there was irrelevant.
“I am Arok of the principality order” I said, grateful for all the practice-with-a-mirror ladan had talked me into. It was true that I, along with all others belonged to the principality order now, but I hoped it wouldn’t stay that way. If I was really lucky, id do a perfect job on that first assignment and be promoted to a higher rank.
Now I will make those small edits that will make it stronger:
“Introduce yourself.” Lady Noella’s clear voice rang through the hall.
It was crucial that my voice sounded steady and confident. The fact that I felt nearly ready to fall over right there was irrelevant.
“I am Arok of the Principality Order.” I was grateful for all the practice-with-a-mirror, my friend Ladan had talked me into.
It was true that I, along with all others belonged to the Principality Order now, but I hoped it wouldn’t stay that way. If I was really lucky, I’d do a perfect job on that first assignment and be promoted to a higher rank.
Here is another example:
But sore or not, I guess u could say the principals kind of worked for these guys.
With the edits:
But sore or not, I guess you could say the Principals kind of worked for these guys.
My attention was divided_ in unequal parts _ between all that and that little envelope in lady Noellas hands.
With the edits:
My attention was divided, in unequal parts, between all that and that little envelope in Lady Noella’s hands.
I would say Principality Order and Principality-Dominion to make these things have more power within your story.
I find your story gets stronger closer to the end.
With a stronger beginning and a few basic edits, your story has real potential. So keep at it and by all means, keep writing. The more you write and share the more you will learn and grow. That is a goal for all of us. If you would like me to look at it again just let me know. I am not a fantasy writer but I can still help with those more basic edits,
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Just to note – I did not jump on every little thing I found. If I done that, I would have overwhelmed the writer. I picked things I felt would help, in the hopes that the writer might find the others on their own.