A bit of my thoughts on a screen... I need to write what I feel down somewhere.
| I dont know what to call this. An open letter, a journal entry... a monologue. The truth is, I just really feel the need to write down how I feel. I havent written in a long time and Im going thru a LOT of hard things right now and have been for years. I always seem to be struggling. There's always something wrong.... I can't ever seem to just Relax. Enjoy life. I miss that. Happiness. I get glimpses of it now and then. Giving me hope that someday again, I'll feel the real thing.
So, chasing someone. If you chase after someone, they are bound to get the urge to run. However, if you walk beside someone, they don't have the same reaction. I'm using this as a metaphor. I've discovered that, in relationships, if you do something wrong, and then chase after the person who has confronted you, they will simply see this as confirmation that they were right, and you were in the wrong. Why else would you be the one begging and pleading and doing everything in your power to make them happy? Because you love them? Pish posh.
So, when you've done something wrong, sure admit that you made a mistake. But don't beg and plead and apologize right away. You can't let a person believe that you did something wrong and you are desperate to make them happy. Because, let's face it. No matter how much you love someone, that suggests a massive lack of self-respect. Who wants to be with someone who can't even respect themselves? Things are complicated, yet simple...
Pulling away a bit if they overreact and treat you a bit badly (yelling, a nasty tone, lack of affection, and any of the like) is a much better idea than chasing. It says yeah, I screwed up. But the way you treated the situation was also a bit screwed up. Let's meet halfway and I have enough self-respect and worth to own up to my mistake, but not grovel and apologize my ass off. Because when you chase someone, you inevitably push them away. There's gotta be a sort of both of you trying to keep up thing going on. Imagine you're walking side by side, holding hands somewhere amazing. One of you may go somewhere to point something out or see something, but in the end, you both want to be side by side. Metaphors are a huge part of my life. Expect lots of them from me.
So... if someone is pushing? Take a step back. Let them realize you may have done something to cause the push, but the shove wasn't cool either. Now you're thinking, well If I step back from the love of my life and they walk away, I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Think about it this way. If someone has ever loved you, and you loved them back, they got appreciation, attention, and acceptance from you. They liked you a lot. No one wants to lose that. No one. If this appreciation and whatnot is going to continue, whether or not they're treating you right anymore? You are desperate and needy and people are selfish.
If they suddenly aren't getting this love and attention from someone they once cared deeply about, they wonder why. They realize that you can live without them. If they want that attention and appreciation, they may just have to work for it. Why would they work for it, if they get it without any effort? They wouldn't. People are selfish. It's part of our DNA. Sometime's it's what keeps us alive.
Remember that stereotypical romance scene where two people are running in slow motion through a field of flowers to each other? This is terribly unrealistic. In reality, this would end in seriously injuring both parties and looking completely stupid. In real life, if anything it's more like a quick walk. But the point is this: You want to walk with someone. Not run at them, and injure both parties. In this instance, a person is walking away from you. Which just makes you chasing them kind of desperate and scary. Don't you wanna be the person someone follows? A person who is worth following, because they're going go to amazing places and to see amazing things? Yes, you do. You deserve a partner. If you're constantly pursuing someone, you're not even giving them a chance to pursue you.
So, you get it, chasing someone too hard is a bad idea. Try to walk with them. How? Simply by moving back, when they push. And if they've started walking, let them know you still care and walk too. In the same direction. But don't run. Don't follow them, really. Just walk the same way and take time to enjoy the path while you do. Often they'll see what they love enjoying itself behind them, and realize they truly do not want to walk away. Maybe walk up ahead when they're resting and find something amazing and point it out to them when they get there. Just don't leave them behind.
Don't cut them out of your life. Just don't be all over them. Give them space. They asked for it. Let them see what they're missing. You don't have a chance to miss it if it's still right there. If they ever loved you, I assure you they will miss you. Be indifferent. Powerful. Confident. Be the you they fell in love with, but improved, because let's be honest, most people get finer with age, like wine. Choose to be one of those people who loves to learn and improve. Anybody who would walk away from that doesn't deserve you, but if you've just been dumped by the love of your life, you don't care what you "deserve". Didn't your parents ever tell you life wasn't fair anyway?
Sometimes your heart overrides your brain. That's ok. If they ever held you close at night, or told you a secret, or said they were in love with you? They can't and won't ever just forget that. It will always be a part of them. You will always be a part of them. When they do finally miss you, let them know you have your own life, but still be there. (in actions not words) Don't be too available. But be available enough. Be you, be amazing, and be there. Focus on you, your life, your dreams, your goals. That's great for you and it shows them you respect yourself, and are going to be do great things in the future. Who doesn't want someone like that in their life? No one.
You've never actually stopped loving something you loved have you? Maybe you put it out of your mind and life for awhile. But, if you love something and it doesn't leave your life, even when you push it's still somewhere in the background, being amazing, that thing becomes a part of your life, a part of you, forever. If it doesn't smother you, but it's amazing and it loves you too, and it makes you happy... it will be a part of your life for good. If it's sometimes not readily available, you end up wanting it more, because it's in demand. If it's ever made you happy, deep in your soul... you will love it forever. If it shows up in your life sometimes, and often makes you happy when it's there, you will eventually seek it out. Especially if it shows up often, but not even close to so often that you get sick of it. You can be that something to someone. You probably already are.
I want to be that something to the love of my life... One of his great true loves in life. One of the things he never wants to lose, and will cherish forever. I want a very large, beautiful and special place in his heart.
We often chase the ones who ignore us and ignore the ones who adore us. We subconsciously believe that, if someone seems like they think they are better than us, there must be a reason. Maybe they are? We think people who adore us desperately are cute and sweet, but we wouldn't want them as an equal, as a partner. Because, we must be better than them. Why else would they adore us so desperately? We all want an equal: someone who adores us that we adore back. Someone who loves us that we love back. Someone that is so amazing that sometimes, we wonder how we even got them so lucky in the first place, and someone who feels that way about us, too. No one wants to sink lower than they think they are and we all want to be the best, the happiest that we can be. So we strive for more, for better. It keeps us going.
So, I'm going to try. I'm going to see if the man I love will take a step forward, when he realizes that I've taken one back; because he pushed. That I am the love of his life and the one he wants to be by his side for the rest of his life... Because I know that I will never give up on something that brings me this much joy in my heart... something that I feel is truly right for me. I would regret it forever, if I did. Im going to try not to chase him, but to walk alongside him; to both pursue and be pursued. To be his partner, and be loved. To be happy. I'll update you on my results. Wish me good luck!
P.S. Everyone wants to be accepted by the one who doesn't accept people easily. The one who's amazing. It makes you feel good about yourself. Like you a special. Because you are.