Satirical solution to the problems in our education system.
To solve the problem of education I propose the immediate brainwashing of all children under the age of eighteen.
It was in my high school AP Spanish class when it hit me. In the room with hundred year old recorders in front of us instead of the computers we should have, all twenty or so of us struggled to articulate the words to describe problems with our education system. The stream of problems was unending as Señora Naylor, myself and everyone else listed off issues: We have access to modern technology don’t we? Isn’t there a way to help the stragglers without slowing down the whole class? And is there not a way to universally judge all students using the same standards or have grades depend on assessments rather than just busy work? The trouble was that no matter how many issues we spotted no solutions came to me.
Luckily, when I went home and ranted to my mother, my knowledgeable tween sister suggested in jest, “Why not just brainwash them all?” I was about to reply sarcastically when I realized. THAT WAS IT!
I nearly squeezed the life out of her when I hugged her, startling the small genius before running off to write down the idea before I forgot. Of course you, like all concerned citizens and taxpayers, will all agree that it was an obvious solution.
By “brainwashing” I do not mean taking every tiny aspect of a child’s personality. A few years in the real world would do that for us. No, instead of pounding ideas into every Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) child’s small, impressionable mind as you would a nail into wood, or maybe a hard rock, we could simply lock them all in a room with screens and headphones droning on and on neverending in the repetition of what the children are to believe and know as infallible truth. This would eliminate the need to waste US taxes on secondary and higher education. After all, what use are free thinking people in a country like ours? Right, none!
Teachers waste 6 hours a day 5 days a week 36 weeks a year telling boys and girls of all ages what to believe and how to believe it. This all important 64,800 seconds would be much more wisely used on more important tasks than educating tomorrow’s leaders. Sleeping, watching TV, creating more of tomorrow’s leaders. All of these are pivotal in today’s world holding 5.125 billion people more than the optimum population and nearly everyone relying on some other motivated individual to do their work for them. Wouldn’t you agree?
Another solution brainwashing has, other than taking away the poor teachers’ grueling work trying to undo damage done by parents trying to instill individuality in their children, is that it quickly produces properly obedient people who conform to societal beliefs and do not cause any waves. I know that is what everyone wants. Imagine, millions upon millions of identically uniformed children walking into a large red brick building as friendly looking as the juvenile detention center--another facility that required brainwashing would remove the need for--five minutes down the road from my house filled with computer screens and chairs with headphones. Only three hours, a whole half of a school day, later they all walk out, slightly dazed, like zombies. And only a few years later they are ready to enter the workplace as fully functioning citizens fitting in perfectly…in full harmony, something that you--like all of us--want but seem unable to grasp.
Like the miracle drugs put out by the half sane scientists all over the globe, brainwashing solves not only our education problem but also our uncontrollably large and growing crime problem. At first I was of the opinion that all prisoners should be executed. The prisoners are just like rabid dogs, there seemed to be no cure and killing them kept the disease from spreading. And then it hit me, brainwash the prisoners too! Then they too will be good and productive citizens lazing about and relying on others’ ideas.
There is no money for the government to waste on education, so instead of teaching students how to think, take away that need entirely. Maybe Aldous Huxley had it right after all.