A letter to my dad that I never got a chance to write
|To my darling Dad
I never got a chance to say goodbye and the fact that I wasn't there will haunt me forever. It was my fault Debs, Paul and I weren't there, but maybe that is how you wanted it. Maybe you didn't want us to see those last few minutes. I will never know.
The cavernous space you have left in our family is one that never decreases. Although we try and fill it with new things that would make you proud, the hole is still there. Still as visible, still as cold and still as painful
To help me cope I have to imagine you in a better place. I like to think of you with your brothers we have lost, both the nans and granddads and John. This doesn't help everyone as their belief in this idea not being possible is strong. But me? I may not always believe, but its a good thought and one I love. I like to picture you and Uncle Sandy still having a giggle or you and John getting up to mischief. It just helps.
I only ever wanted to make you proud, I never feel like I did that but I still don't know what I could have done to do that. Just to have heard you say that you were proud of me would have made everything else less important. I never seemed to achieve anything with my life, was always borrowing money and not always paying it back. I feel that I must have been a huge disappointment to you.
I am now trying to step into your huge shoes and help our family in the ways that you did. I help mum with her money, I am their driver when they need taking anywhere. I make sure they are ok. I am hoping you can see that and can now feel like I am doing something worthwhile.
You would be happy now with Debs and Mum living together. Neither is alone any more and both are so happy. Mum is coping amazingly - you would be so proud. I have only realised lately what an amazingly strong woman she is. So determined. So brave. Whatever she said she is going to do, she does it and she never falters. I love her so much and know that you are watching over her, keeping her safe.
We all love you dad and wish with all our hearts that you were still with us, but knowing you are no longer suffering from that horrible cancer also makes us realise that your leaving was for the better. You are now at peace and out of pain. That is the only consolation we have - you are no longer suffering.
I hope one day that we will be together again and that you can look at me and just say those magical words I have waited all my life to hear - Fiona, I am so proud of you.
We all miss you with all our hearts and miss you so incredibly much.
All my love for now and forever more
Your loving youngest daughter