by Mari McKee
Observations while waiting in ;line at Wal-mart
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Talking to God while waiting in line at Wal-mart
Let’s face it. Patience is not one of my virtues. Tolerating stupidity is not one of my virtues either. Come to think of it, I am not sure what, if any, virtues I possess. Next time I am waiting in line, I will think about my virtues, or lack thereof. I have never been to a Wal-mart without having to wait in line. I hate Wal-mart. Every time I shop there and have to wait in a never ending line, I hate myself. Having ADD, my random thoughts are kind of like going to 4 movies at the same time. These are things I have thought about, and talked to God about, while waiting in line at Wal-mart.
1.. Dear God, why does Wal-mart have 25 registers and only 3 of them are open to customers? There are close to 100 other idiot shoppers, like me, waiting in line. Oh God! The cashier is picking up the microphone. No! It is the dreaded “price check at lane 16”. Who purchases anything anywhere without knowing the price of an item? It doesn’t have a price tag on it! Is that crappy looking shirt something you must have? After waiting for the appropriate manager to finish her lunch, she comes to the register, makes up some price off the top of her head, and then the customer doesn’t want it. But she does want the other ugly clothes she has on the counter? Why, God? This brings me to #2.
2. Oh, Lord! The customer ran her card through the machine and the cashier is handing her a little piece of paper that says “Your credit card has been rejected”. I suppose Wal-mart thinks they are saving the customer embarrassment by giving them that sliver of paper instead of announcing that their credit card was rejected. Like everyone in line has no idea? You can hear them saying, “Her credit card was rejected”. By the time it gets to the back of the line it comes out something like, “She said he has premature ejaculation!” Who goes shopping with a credit card, knowing it has a good possibility of being rejected, since you haven’t made payments on it in 3 months? Lord, give me strength! She tries the rejected card two more times. Why? Oh wait! She is fishing around her handbag and after a few terse minutes she pulls out another credit card. I’m thinking everyone in line behind her, including me, is silently praying that this credit card is good. Well, maybe not the last two old ladies at the back of the line. They might be praying for a better sexual performance for the poor guy they heard about in line.
3. Leaning heavily on my buggy to keep from passing out from the hypoglycemia I am developing from waiting so long in line without food, I get a good look at my sandaled feet. Why are my feet so long and ugly? Why don’t I have cute, petite feet? I wish I could wear that cute hot pink nail polish on my toenails. Wait! Why is my toenail white and flaking? Oh my God! It must be a toenail fungus! I have to call my doctor if I ever get out of this God-forsaken line. Well, I might as well sneak a peek at my heels. (Gasp!) Heavens above! I am going to go get a pedicure tomorrow.
4. The guy in front of me has a giant jug of Clorox, yellow rubber gloves, a jumbo roll of plastic wrapping, a nylon rope, a roll of duct tape, and 2 spray cans of super odor eliminator air freshener in his buggy. If I didn’t know any better, I might think he has murdered someone and needs to clean the bloody mess and discard the body (chuckling to myself).
5. Why didn’t I get one of those electric wheelchair shopping carts? I wouldn’t have so far to fall when I faint from hunger while waiting in this God forsaken line. It must be because I am not morbidly obese. How many fat people are in line in front of me? One…two…three….I wonder if I can sue Wal-mart if I faint, hit my head on the concrete floor, and have to be rushed to the hospital with blood gushing from my eyes and ears? Has anyone ever died in Wal-mart?
6. Can I eat one of these candy bars before paying for it? Will I get arrested for shop-lifting? Would it be ethical? Would it be moral? Would it put a black X on my soul?
7. God? Would you please let me win the lottery so I never have to shop in this store again? I would use some of the money to finance educations for Wal-mart employees, I promise. Amen.
8. Oh God! I should not have had that energy drink before I came to Wal-mart! I have to pee! What if I can’t hold it? I have to pee! Don’t think about it! Don’t think about it! Stop thinking about it! I cross my legs and hope for the best. I would really hate to hear, “Clean up at lane 16! Woman peed on the floor”.
9. If that screaming brat were mine, I would have to slit my wrists for giving birth to it. Forgive me, Lord!
10. God, please? This line has gotten on my very last nerve. When I get home, if I ever get out of this line, I have to unload all of this crap, carry it in the house, put it away, finish another 4 loads of laundry, and start dinner. Oh, forget it, I am going to have a huge Bloody Mary and take a nap!