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Rated: E · Other · Personal · #2098191
It is 1:48 and I have been given the special job of ...
It is 1:48 and I have been given the special job of occupying myself until my best-friend gets home. Finally things are feeling like normal again .. at least with me. For all that consumes me simply leaves the second I stamp my ticket at the train station, pick my head up and head out for Bordentown. I am not sure if I am running from my problems or am just deciding not to fester in them this time around. Sometimes I wake up and cant believe I actually have people that are willing to help me escape myself without judging me too much. I guess that's something you learn to long for after feeling like a monster for so long. Last weekend was problematic but this weekend is a lot more peaceful. I wish to have more weekends like this. As I type this Luke Cage is playing again on J's tv, and as I drink a nice tall glass of water, I laugh quietly to myself. I don't know which there is to be more interested in .. the fact that J likes this just as much as I did (which I didn't see coming) or the simple fact that I see so much of myself on the screen when this is playing. J was actually the one to point it out, saying "Hey, he kinda looks like you here" and I would just say to myself "Hmph ..well... he kinda does.."..The more the season went on the more it started to feel like I was watching an autobiographical piece than a tv show on some super hero saving Harlem. Chills raced so fast down my spine when I heard "People Make The World Go 'Round" by The Stylistics echoing in the background in one of the episodes. Something within me shifted from being numb to being completely vulnerable because immediately I was taken back in time. I wasnt in J's house anymore, I was in my dads signature yellow work truck. I was a child again. Suddenly this wasn't any other day for us to hang out, suddenly this day felt special, almost like someone somewhere felt like I needed a small reminder of myself. And it worked..For I have heard this song for the first time ages ago and would hear it often whenever my dad was in the drivers seat when I was kid. In fact, I had completely forgotten about this song until this very moment. There isnt many things I can say involving my childhood that I liked but I was lucky enough to have a father who knew the importance of music and I liked it when he would put on the songs he had heard when he was just a kid, like me. This was also the first day I had smoked in what seemed to feel like a lifetime which made all of what I was feeling so much more intensified. I'm pretty bad at a lot of things and don't really understand how all of this normal non-suicidal adulthood thing works but moments ... very small moments like the one I just mentioned dont happen very often.. But when they do I cant help but smile to myself. It is hard to explain why but imagine waking up living a completely different life compared to the life you had the last time you looked around. You dont know if this is something that is meant to happen or if your actions has somehow led you to this life. Constantly along the way you are too prideful too seek the reassurance or help you need to believe you are on the right path.. so every step feels wrong, every progression forward feels deceptive and yet you still try to move "forward".. like everyone has told you to do. But sometimes in these moments, when you feel more lost than ever you are given a souvenir during the storm. A sweet reminder if you will. A remnant only retrievable if you were in that exact moment at that exact time. Something telling you that maybe just maybe .. this is exactly where you are supposed to be... Thats what hearing that song play again after so many years felt like.. I'm learning more and more everyday to not be afraid of what you cannot control. You will feel uncomfortable, you will feel unsure but that's okay. Just dont let these feelings consume you and turn you into something unrecognizable because that .. would truly be unfortunate.
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