by Z a
The way I feel about a very special man, and putting my fear of losing him into words
| One day when walking home
I saw a white car like yours.
I pretended the house it was parked in front of was our house.
I thought, "he is home".
Correction: he IS home.
If I lose him, I am not heartbroken, I am homeless.
When I saw him for the first time, I thought he was quite unattractive: wide-set eyes, a large nose, head too large for his slim frame.
I don't understand why a year later, he has half of beauty itself.
Expressive dark eyes, the soft beard, a nose and lips carved by God's hands.
I don't care for all that. In every 1000 men, one is especially beautiful. That doesn't make someone special. In fact, he has a 1 in 1000 chance of being the best one of them in character.
It is the endearing openness
The unselfconscious gentleness
It is the peace he eminates
It is the protectiveness
It is the simple yet elegant fashion
The way he avoids gossip and explains people in a positive light
It is the thoughtfulness towards those less fortunate
It is the way I feel with him: safe, content, joyous, inspired
I don't want him to leave me. We are not together. I know he loves me. Don't ask me how I know, that's a different story, but he does. But I want to be with him. Our situation is difficult. But if he leaves I will be homeless. I cannot imagine ever loving another man. How can there be room in my heart for too without needing space for pain too? How can there be pain while being with somebody I love, over wanting to be with another somebody I love? No, people have 1 home. They may have houses if they are wealthy in this world , but only one of those houses will be home.
I don't want to think the sky is crying with me every time I see rain rolling down the windows. I don't want to think of his warmth every time the sun shines. I don't want to think of him every time I see a dark-haired tall man on the train. I don't want to be invited to his wedding where I will have to smile and not cry and watch him dedicate his heart to another girl. She doesn't deserve you, I'll think. Noone can love you the way I love you. 50 years with her won't change that, it won't be the same as one year with you.