thinking of you sucks! even though you still put a smile on my face
|What I am about to write are only thoughts.
It is neither a story nor a poem but only anticipation that when I am done, my eyes can close and rest. This is my way of medicating my thoughts, my heart and my soul. I need to exhume him out so that I can be myself again. Some may call me insane, even obsessed. Remember, this is for myself… to heal. For I have no one to entertain my madness. You are welcome to stay and be apart of the show.
Let me introduce you to Mr. Spruce. He is the one that does not allow my mind to shut off. He does not let me sleep. So I will tell him a few things that I have in my heart, my mind. I hope I do not bore you.
When I first met Mr. Spruce I thought he was the weirdest person alive! I could not stand him at times. He was so hyper and was very proud with his OCD situation. I realized that with Mr. Spruce around I started to have symptoms of hyper overload. Then one day I allowed you into my heart and that is when my world turned upside down. My heart skipped a beat as my knees buckled a little. Your eyes made me want to stare at them more, to decipher your whimsical arrogance and twisted humor. When you spoke your eyes glowed, which made me wonder if love actually existed between a boy and a girl. As we got to know each other I wondered what your heart displayed for me.
I was sad to hear your words, that you did not feel the same. Although, the way you expressed them, actually brought a smile on my face. You are such analytical person, Mr. Spruce. You had to turn me down with such attributes. His words: “I cannot reciprocate those feeling towards you.”
I wanted to ask you “Can’t or Wont?”
But what does it matter. Can’t and wont are essentially the same thing. Your cant or wont do anything that will resemble you opening your heart to mine. What did this mean? Nothing. It meant nothing.
Because even if you did care, you chose to stay away for reasons that did not comprehend in my mind. Or maybe this is the excuse I gave myself so that I can continue to be your friend, hoping that one day you would return to me and say: “I was just kidding! Let’s give this a try.”
In a way this is your fault.
I’ll tell you why Mr. Spruce. Even though I chose to speak to you everyday, knowing that I yearn for you, you do not make this easy. Everyday that I want to walk away from you or I try to avoid you, you find a way return to me. I know this is not something I should analyze. But you must admit that it is interesting that whenever I walk away from you, you go looking for me. I know this because I see you coming towards my way and when you see me and stare directly at my eyes, you walk away. Almost as if satisfied. I dunno, maybe it’s just my head playing games on me. Maybe I am crazy. But if I am, when will I know when I am normal again?
Can anyone help?
TO BE CONTINUED…