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Rated: 18+ · Short Story · Satire · #2105201
A cautionary tale.
378 words

That Asshole Jack Kevorkian

         "Asshole! That asshole Jack Kevorkian!"
         "What's the matter, Bob?"
         "It's that asshole, Jack Kevorkian! I asked for an assisted suicide and he knocked me unconscious. He then harvested my testicles! That asshole!"
         "Hey!" called out a passerby.
         "Who are you?" asked Bob.
         "My name's Steve. That Jack Kevorkian stole one of my lungs. I had lung cancer and wanted an assisted suicide, and he stole my good lung! I can't believe I got duped."
         "You guys think you got it bad?" asked another passerby.
         "Yeah, why?" asked Bob.
         "I wanted an assisted suicide, and he gave me breast implants! I swear, I'm never going to ask anyone for an assisted suicide ever again!"
         "Hey, you know what I think? I think we should lynch the bastard! We'll show him what happens when you fuck with suicidal people!" Steve suggested.
         "Yeah, let's get him! We'll show him!"
         And so the lynch mob got their pitchforks and torches with the purpose of lynching Jack Kevorkian. As they approached his office, he met them outside.
         "Hey! You're going to get it now! You actually thought you could take our money for assisted suicide and fuck us over! You're in for it now!"
         "If you are unhappy with the service I gave you, you should have put more thought into suicide. I've given you all much better reasons to kill yourselves than the fickle reasons you had before," Dr. Kevorkian said.
         "So you admit you fucked with us! You took our money and made our lives much worse than what they were before. I swear they should legalize assisted suicide so assholes like you can't prey on people and fuck them over."
         "I see none of you have heard of the concept of DIY: do it yourself. But if you intend to go through with lynching me, then let me get something from my office first."
         And so the mob allowed Dr. Kevorkian to enter his office before lynching him. After a minute, they heard a gunshot from the office, which caused the lynch mob to break in and see what happened.
         Slumped over his desk was the corpse of Jack Kevorkian and a hastily written suicide note. The suicide note had a very brief message: "Haha."

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