A brief essay on where I find myself in this life
|So thank you very much. Now I am feeling quite old.
I fell into the trap again. Just now and once again I am feeling like ...like... Shit I don't know - I guess melancholy describes it as well as anything; although to be honest I don't know that I've really never understood the true meaning behind the word. I mean I know the dictionary definition, but the word itself somehow seems empty. Maybe that is how the word is intended to make me feel.
It was silly I was simply using a past experience to encourage a friend. It was one of those experiences that somehow transcend time. I remember it like it was a file in my mind I can open and replay and witness the events if not first-hand
then something very near it.
This is a pretty nifty ability to revisit some of my life's most potent moments like this. There are probably four or five such moments for me. One of these days I'll recant the tomato stories.
So I relive the moment for my friend; and somehow in the retelling I totally lose the original intent of the recanting. I did have a direction, a point to make if you will, and I lose it.
I lose the point and I remember a memory from, shit, 20 years ago. 20 years ago? And it hits me, hard this time. Am I old? Honestly it depends on the day, the moment if you will. Sometimes things are good, positive and while not as young as I once was I hardly notice a difference. Others I feel myself being compressed by the weight and responsibilities of my age, of memories of the past, opportunities for the future.
Joel 2:28 - "Your old men will dream dreams. Your young men will see visions." Which am I? I do think I have a few visions left in me, but the opportunity to realize my visions is shrinking every day. Reality tells me that this has always been true. Since birth there has been a clock counting down my life. (I would love to know the time remaining, but that's for discussion another time...assuming time doesn't run out first lol.)
I'm sure everyone has seen Field of Dreams. There are a few passages of dialogue from that movie I find of great worth - especially at this moment.
"I wish I had your passion, Ray...Misdirected though it might be, it is still a passion. I used to feel that way about things, but..." Terrence Mann
"you know we just don't recognize the most significant moments of our lives while they're happening. Back then I thought, well, there'll be other days. I didn't realize that was the only day." Dr. Archibald "Moonlight" Graham
RAY: "Oh my God....It's my father...My God! I'd only seen him years later when he was worn down by life. Look at him. He's got his whole life in front of him and I'm not even a glint in his eye. What do I say to him?
ANNIE: "Why don't you introduce him to his granddaughter?" Ray and Annie Kinsella
Three things stand out. Passion. Memories. Worn Down by Life.
Passion may be harder to generate than it once was, but the ability to do so at times is still present. It is now a challenge to choose those times wisely.
Memories are there, and should not be ignored nor neglected. A memory's weighing changes over time. Once happy events may shift to somber. It's all in our perception and that changes for many reasons not just age.
Worn down by life is a phrase I find incredibly appropriate for my life sometimes. At least for now the moments when I feel that way are apparitions, disappearing as quickly as they appear.
Life is good. Would I like to be younger? That's a tough one. Honestly I don't think so. Sure the stamina, the energy I had then would be nice. The truth is I am happier with where I am than I was 20 years ago when the first event occurred.
I need to work harder to keep that in mind.
Is age just a number? No its not, but maybe it can be.
p.s. Don't forget about the Tomato memory.