A Few Helpful Tips From A Professional On How To Make Your Holiday Festivity Memorable
A FEW HELPFUL TIPS ON HOW TO MAKE YOUR THANKSGIVING MEAL SO
MEMORABLE THAT YOU’LL NEVER WANT TO FORGET IT!
First off, let it be known that I’m a publicly certified Professional Thanksgiving Meal Planner. My forefathers and foremothers arrived on this continent a few centuries ago along with Chris Columbo and some other Italian hooligans aboard one of his ships—I think it was the Ninja, Pinto, or the Santa Ana, I’m not sure which—but that’s irrelevant. The fact is that they were the ones who planned that very first Thanksgiving meal with the Indians so they’d stop shooting arrows at them. A very righteous thing to do, don’t you think? So I thought it would be righteous of me to pass along some of these tips that have been passed down through generations and generations of joyous family Thanksgiving meals.
So here they are, in no particular order:
Tip #4: Buy a turkey. And not just any turkey. Be sure that you purchase the biggest, heaviest gobbler you can get! Try to be sure it’s dead first, but if you can’t get a dead one, a live one will do just as well. In fact, after the relatives arrive and come storming into your humble little abode, catching it and chopping its head off can actually be one of the most memorable events of the holiday! Imagine the look on your relative's faces as that bird goes dancing around your kitchen without its head and splashing blood all over everything! You’re sure to get some ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ out of it!
Tip #1: Preheat your oven to 800 degrees. Some ovens aren’t designed to heat that high, so you might have to resort to a ceramic kiln (do NOT go to a crematorium!). If this is the case, then you should have started it a few days beforehand.
Tip #5: Take the giblets out of the turkey. Some people prefer to leave them inside, but this can result in a melted plastic something(?) with unrecognizable guts that might not be too appetizing for your guests.
Tip #48: Make a ‘kiddie table’ for the youngsters off in the corner or in the living room so that once the dinner conversation starts getting heated about political diatribe, they won’t have to hear the expletives and fowl (sic) things your relatives will be calling each other.
Which brings us to…
Tip #2: Be sure you have enough alcohol on hand for all of your guests to imbibe, especially Uncle Walter. This will ensure that he gets plenty soused and will hopefully pass out before any physical confrontations start taking place. Remember, this is your house, and there’s only so many family heirlooms you want to sacrifice for this reunion. (Actually, maybe you should put them away long before they ever arrive!).
Tip #6: Watch Football! This is a staple of any Thanksgiving feast, going back to when my ancestors first arrived here. The Dallas Cowboys and the Detroit Lions always play and forfeit their own meals for our enjoyment of watching them lose, year after year after year, although on rare occasions, one of them does actually win.
Tip #3: This one relates a bit to Tip #2 about alcohol and violence. If you have any firearms in your home, be sure to put them in a safe place. But keep a 9 millimeter semi-automatic pistol and plenty of ammo at your disposal just in case one or more of the relatives decides to bring their own firearm. We lost an uncle and two cousins in a terrible gunfight one Thanksgiving, all because we lacked the firepower to adequately subdue them!
Finally, when your relatives stumble out of your house (or what’s left of it), be sure to thank them for coming and wish them happy holidays and a safe journey home to wherever the hell they came from, even if you don't mean it. You probably won’t even know who some of these relatives are, so I’d refrain from using any names. And once the last one has left, immediately lock your doors and windows.
All of them!
I hope these professional tips will help you have one of the most memorable Thanksgivings ever, but if not, that’s OK too. After all, this historical event only takes place once every year, and you never know how many uncles and cousins you’ll have left after this one is over!
To be continued…next year?