An internal dialogue out of fear of retribution for quitting their job
|Do I tell him? What do I say? How would I tell him? Would I be like: ‘Hey I need to tell you something.’
‘I quit my job.’
No, that’s too straightforward. I can’t be that abrupt. He’d freak out too much. He’d be like: ‘Why’d you quit your job? Don’t you know that we need the money? Don’t you know that we need to support the family? Don’t you want to be successful? Don’t you want fame? Fortune? Respect?
You can’t get respect as a writer. There’s no fortune in that. So many people try, but they don’t get anywhere. They don’t make any money from it. They’d work in some minimum wage job. They don’t have anything after that.’
‘But honey, I couldn’t live with myself anymore if I continued to do something I hated. I absolutely hated my job. It didn’t challenge me enough. It didn’t apply to me anymore.
Writing is different. It allows me to express myself. It allows me to soar to new heights. I can take on so many personas. I can explore new worlds. It uplifts me. It doesn’t trap me in shallow definitions of success that exist because of narrow views that STEM fields are the only ways to make lots of money.
I don’t have to prove myself here. I don’t have to be anything. I don’t have to do anything. I don’t have to get up early. I don’t have to go to bed early. I don’t even have to leave the house. But I don’t have to stay at home either. I could go anywhere and find inspiration. I could even write about my experiences as a programmer. But I don’t have to do that either. Love, don’t you see? I can just be me.
Haven’t I always said that that’s what I wanted to with myself? Every opportunity I took was because I thought that that was what was necessary. I always thought I had to prove my worth as an individual, as a female, as a friend, as a lover, as a programmer. But I don’t have to now.
Can’t you see that?’
But would he receive this all that well? How would he respond? I almost think that he still wouldn’t appreciate what I have to say. But I can’t leave him either. We’re married. And I made a promise to never leave someone. I have to stay with him. It’s a commitment. Plus, we have to think of our kids. They would be so devastated if they found out.
Maybe I could call my work and tell them that I need to rethink the situation.
No. I’m not doing that. This is the path I chose. I have to follow it
What’s that? Great, he’s home. I mustn’t let him see me like this. I’ll just go back to what I was doing. Maybe he won’t notice.
“Honey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying? Why aren’t you at work?”