Two no-good-for-nothin' SCUMBAGS get their final comeuppance!
There ain't nobody there in the whole human race
'Cept for Angus McGrime
An' his partner-in-crime …
Mister Sean Alexander MacTavish-Lovelace
Over Lake Titti-brrr-brrr the Polar Winds roar
Where it's ninety below in the snow on the shore
They got nothin' to do
In their igloo-for-two
For the rest o' their lives to know freedom no more
Mister Sean's big n' ugly, as ugliness goes
Got a big shiny wart on the end of his nose
All muscle n' brawn
But his teeth were all gone
An' his brain was already 'bout half-decomposed
Well his buddy, ol' Angus was wiry n' lean
N' his long dirty hair, he just never looked clean
He was challenged in height
But was good in a fight
'Cuz he fought like a demon - ferocious n' mean
How they both ended up here's the tale I will tell
They were very bad boys n' they loved raisin' hell
So they started a fight
Almost every night
An' if not with each other, with any dumbbell
'Twas an Eskimo town they call Tuktoyaktuk
In a pub they got shit-faced n' both ran amok
They killed two Eskimos
N' then cut off their toes
As they stole n' absconded with their woolen socks
Cops followed their trail in the snow on the ground
N' before very long they were easily found
Then got throwed in the jail
No one posted their bail
The next day they appeared before Judge Nanook Brown
Well the Judge said, "I've seen you two assholes before!
And this sure ain't the first time you've passed through my door!
But it will be the last!
Cuz my patience is passed
Gotta make sure you don't kill nobody no more!"
Then he said, "Pack your bags men - I'm sendin' you where ...
It's too cold for the caribou, walrus n' bears
I hereby banish you
To an igloo-for-two
For the rest o' your lives on Lake Titti-brrr-brrr!"
Well the folks in the courtroom all let out a yell!
N' soon after, the church started ringin' it's bell!
The day justice was served
They got what they deserved
So they kissed their own asses "goodbye n' farewell"
Now they're up there alone in their igloo-for-two
No one else to murder, n' nothin' to do
Eatin' crackers n' cheese
N' no big-screen TV
Just the two of 'em watchin' each other turn blue
The damn toilet's an outhouse that's built out of ice
Twenny yards from the igloo … that ain't very nice
'Twas a long walk away
N' there weren't no bidet
So they figured a pail 'neath their bed would suffice
For the next hundred days they went slowly insane
They forgot where they were n' forgot their own names
An' the wind howled n' brayed
Each n' every day
Over Lake Titti-brrr-brrr … 'twas always the same
On their last night alive, they were sat on their pails
Eatin' cheese n' Doritos n' chuggin' their ales
Angus finally said
"I would rather be dead …
Than to spend one more day in this stinkin' old jail!"
Then ol' Sean he agreed, so they packed up their gear
All the rest of the crackers, the cheese n' the beer
Then they both said their prayers
Put on plenny of layers
Then stepped into their future on Titti-brrr-brrr
Well the fate that befell 'em's completely unknown
Ah, but I KNOW, 'cuz I'M the one writing this pome
N' so lend me your eyes
N' please, try not to cry
As I tell you the reason they should've stayed home
'Twas confusion at first over which way to go
'Midst the scream o' the blizzard n' blow o' the snow
They at last made some tracks
With the wind at their backs
But that meant they were walking in circles, Oh NO!
Then the damnedest thing happened when quite suddenly
The ferocious storm died! They were able to see ...
All the stars in the sky
There were mountains nearby
And the ghostliest silence hung so eerily
As the boys stopped to listen n' marvel in awe
Now afloat in a black sea of ten trillion stars
"What was THAT?" ... distant THUNDER?
But comin' from UNDER! ...
'Neath Lake Titti-brrr-brrr … how strange n' bizarre!
All-at-once there were DEAFENING BOOMS everywhere!
N' MAGNIFICENT GEYSERS that froze in mid-air!
Then a CRACK opened wide
N' sucked Angus inside!
Like a deer in the headlights, Sean froze standin' there ...
Which (too bad n' so sad) was the wrong thing to do
Cuz Sean, Lake Titti-brrr-brrr's now COMIN' for YOU!
He stood SCREAMING in FEAR
As the CHASM appeared
N' then just like his buddy, well … he was gone too!
Could it be Global Warming? I can't really say
But it sure was weird weather that happened that day
Though the question lives on
Where are Angus n' Sean?
But they never will find 'em, no how n' no way
Only you know n' I know the story, that's true
Of how Angus n' Sean were paid what they were due
But they're finally free
Of ol' Lake Titti-brrr-brrr's ol' igloo-for-two!