A parody, an homage per se to Marlin Perkins, I wrote some years ago.
The Mall Rats appear at these malls at specific times. Days when school is in session, packs begin to grow at approximately 3 p.m. and dissipate around six hours later. On weekends and during vacations, they begin to congregate a few moments before the mall opens and remain until the small hours of the following morning.
You can differentiate Mall Rats from the rest of the population by outward appearances. Whether male or female, these vermin have either black or brown leather torsos and worn-denim blue lower appendages.
Female Rats, commonly referred to as Trixies, have hair color which is usually two-toned: half-bleached, half-natural. The length ranges from two inches below the collar to two inches above the waist. Recently, some females have been sighted with dark colored manes. These have been colloquially termed Fluffed Chicas.
Male, or Norton, Rats have hair which is natural in color, long in length, and unkempt. These Nortons, looking rather pretentious and easily agitated, group in packs larger than females – males group in numbers of six to twenty while females group in four to twenty.
Feeding is primitive, almost instinctive in nature. They surround their prey. Savagely, they attack – almost struggling with each other in order to survive. Six vermin have been known to feast on one soda and an order of fries, or three to a candy bar. The scenario is always the same with females when they frenzy over salads. Traces like crumbs, meat, or blood, are usually left behind by these bloodthirsty creatures.
The Trixies congregate to squeal on topics which need little or no intelligence. Cigarettes, reproduction, and the male of the species are what is focused upon.
The males, somewhat less intelligent, squeak as if they are superior to all others. Music, automobiles, and the female anatomy are accentuated during their time of bonding.
Although each pack of Mall Rats tends to dominate a particular mall, seasonal visitations does exist. Just as northern collegians break in Florida, the Mall Rats frequently visit particular malls during certain seasons. Guilderland’s Crossgates Mall is the Spring and Summer home of the Albany and Schenectady counties’ branches of Rats, which winter at the Rotterdam Square Mall.
Mall Rats are very territorial. When normal visitation does not occur, and an unfamiliar pack invades, conflict will happen. The leader of the established pack, called the Master Norton, will expand his chest. Likewise, the invading Master Norton will do the same. The remaining makes will encircle the two combatants – each ready to step in when his leader falls. The invading Master will lash out with his right fist. If this does not connect with the head of the home Master, the conflict is ended, the invaders being defeated. However, if the blow does make the target, the home Master will retaliate with a right of his own. This may continue until either Master has fallen or the authorities have arrived.
Although further study is needed, one conclusion is certain: Mall Rats should be avoided at all cost. They tend to be easily irritated by adult authority and can become wild and dangerous when separated from the pack.