Sometimes when we do a bit of soul searching we learn a lot.
|I can remember it well. I was 18 and playing lacrosse in a game. I was on defense when an attacker took a shot and it hit me right in the left thigh. That ball was moving about 90 miles an hour and damn did it sting! I felt a sudden rush of energy and was enraged. I launched myself at the attacker and he gave ground quickly, as he could see how pissed off I was. I could hear my coach yelling my name and "NO".
I settled down and quickly regained my control but that thrill was still there. I could feel it, that tingle of energy rushing over me. I found out later, it was called adrenaline from the release of endorphins. I craved it, I found myself throwing myself in front of a shot early in games to ride the rush. I felt like I played faster, harder and the other team was a bit more intimidated by me when I had been hit and was just a bit hurt. I craved it and sometimes would ask a team mate to pop me in warm ups so I would be ready from the first whistle.
I didn't give it much thought after graduating college until I was 28 or so. I had reached Atlanta and one of my "online" friends was coming to Atlanta to visit a dungeon and invited me along. Walking in I was shocked, I could literally feel the energy and excitement in the air. This was PEP "People Exchanging Power." Oh Hell yeah, I was home. I didn't know anyone that first night except the Domme who had brought me. She could sense I was excited and intrigued and asked if I wanted to play. Of course I did, I played with her and two other Mistresses that night. I was spanked, paddled caned and asking them "what else you got in there??"
I remember that surge of energy traveling up my spine on the first strike. I was in Heaven. I played hard that night and a few more times after. Everyone had tags back then Gold Red or Blue.
I wasn't sure what I was, I had to maintain a high sense of order and control in my job. I was meticulous and it was high pressure. I thought about my daily life and how I interact with the world. I am proactive, orderly and in charge. I took the Gold badge, not sure if it was correct, I guess I'm still not to sure.
I enjoyed bottoming, but it was for me and not truly in service to another. I loved topping, but it was on a deeper level and I cared greatly for the people I played with nurturing them and offering counsel even when we weren't playing.
They all fit and yet none of them did alone. I saw the badge as a box or label, it pigeon holes you into a set role. Worse it drops expectations on your shoulders as how others will expect you to react in any given situation. I found myself in a self fulfilling prophecy based on the color of a little piece of paper and I didn't like it at all.
Looking back none of those three badges seemed to fit. Sure at work I had to be the Master, judge and jury and swift executioner of the company foes. No one it seemed could make a decision on my cases. You had to be proactive and maintain control or you would fall behind or burn out from the stress.
In my personal life I felt I was more a reflective surface for the folks around me. My role would be what the person approaching me needed. I was a healer to the weak and needy. I relished in the chance to fix someone, and was the white knight who rode in on the galloping charger.
I was a Top to a select few, I needed a connection with an individual to play. I turned down many who sought instant gratification. "I don't work that way" I would explain. Woman were stunned when they were turned down. I guess most men are horn dogs and will play with anyone.
I was a masochist, craving that burst of raw pain and energy. Yet I was selfish and sucked it all in never sharing with the Top who was providing the adrenaline rush. I regret that and wish I could seek them out and play again and let myself go so they could share the energy and see the effect.
Fast forward to me now, the labels still do not fit. I am an energy player, I crave it. When I top I prefer my bare hands over toys so I get a little of that rush of adrenaline when my hands start stinging. I have played hard enough to raise blood blisters and welts on my hands or I could soothe with a touch. It was all about what my play partner needed.
I give and need affection, I am submissive to the right partner. Loyal, loving, protective and affectionate. I need the connection, need to feel loved and valued. I give back ten fold what I feel coming in.
I am an intellectual brat (if there is such a thing). I love to play and stimulate the mind of my partner. Treading on "dangerous ground" with a trusted partner is a mind blowing experience for me. It's innocent play that connects me and brings me so much closer. I accept my punishments and believe if I "do the crime, I must do the time." It's risk vs reward for me. I will take a lot of "risk" to elicit a smile or laugh from my partner. I want them healthy and happy and will do anything for it, even risk punishment or consequences. The reward of a smile or a laugh thrills me and fills me completely.
I am a sensualist. I love affection, be it touch, or a small word or two of praise. The simplest touch on my hand or face can thrill me and fill me with energy. I am a giver and love showing my affection. These forms include, touches such as as massage, holding hands, loving words and small heartfelt gifts. I have more energy then anyone I have known. In the right setting it flows in waves until I am exhausted and totally spent. I love being around my loved ones and will give everything I have to keep the mood light and happy.
I am a switch. It's more then play and yet mostly it is play with me. It's light hearted intimate exchanges of love and trust. I can top you, but it comes with a part of me. I nurture and will give you what you need, and take just a little bit back for myself.
I am a bottom but I need a connection before I will trust my ass to your hands or toys. I want to relate to you and know you. I need to know you care about me before I let you strike me. I want to know that you will knit up the damage and heal me after the play is over.
I love to cuddle and need the affection when the play stops. Need the praise, just a sweet word or two about how I made you feel and if you were proud of me. Just that little bit will have me smiling and counting the moments until we can play and I can please you again. I love to please.
These are ramblings and self reflections hastily jotted down. Each one of these characteristics could be it's own separate badge, yet none of them stands alone. I am complicated, a perfect blend of good with just a slight streak of naughty playfulness. I am a mutt, and a lovable one at that.
You have to get close to get to see some of these parts. You have to be worth letting in. I will take my walls down for the right person. Taking the walls down weakens me and exposes me to potential harm and hurt. In my work and day to day life, I am a Master of my own little world. I created it, I maintain it and I drew you to me for a reason. I am willing to give you the chance to know me and love me, and for me to love you back with everything I am.
I know my walls protect me, but also keep me from what I want and the people who have the most to offer me. They don't go down that often. If I lower them for you, I hope you will look a little closer get to know me and see which parts of me you will trigger. I promise I am worth it and if you choose to get closer, so are You...