EPISODE ONE: "Nine-Toed Elmer Boone"
|EPISODE ONE: "NINE-TOED ELMER BOONE"
This here's a tale 'bout Cowboy Moe. But it wouldn't be complete
without including reference to Indigenous Person Pete
Cuz Pete was Moe's full-blooded Sioux pal/pardner/sidekick/friend
Whatever Moe was up to, Pete was with him 'til the end
Our epic story starts in Texas - Eighteen Forty-Four
Of all the folks alive back then, ain't none around no more
Most of 'em died from gettin' old, 'twas just their time to go
But many of 'em got shot dead by Pete n' Cowboy Moe
Across the West they blazed a trail from Yuma down to Texas
Weren't nowhere was too far to get away from all their Ex's
One day ol' Moe n' sidekick Pete was ridin' on the trail
But Sherriff Tex was chasin' 'em to throw 'em both in jail
They'd broke the law in Santa Fe, in the ol' 'Dry Gulp Saloon' ...
by drinkin' all the whisky, then by shootin' Elmer Boone
Ol' Elmer'd got belligerent n' so'd his buddy, Fred
so Moe shot Elmer in the toe, while aimin' for his head
Now you might say that Elmer Boone was rootin'-tootin' mad
cuz Cowboy Moe had shot the BEST dang TOE he'd ever HAD
So Elmer says to Sherriff Tex, "I want these varmints hanged!"
But Moe n' Pete was GONE ALREADY! Tex said, "I'LL BE DANGED!"
"Looks like I'll need a POSSE, boys! We're gonna GIT THEM TWO!
It's cuz o' THEM, poor Elmer here, he needs another SHOE!"
So Sherriff Tex n' twenty men, they left ol' Santa Fe
n' caught up with our heroes, but it took 'em twenty days
Day twenty-one, they made their move on Moe n' Pete's campsite
They'd waited 'til the break o' dusk, then mosied by startlight
When Pete n' Moe woke up they was a'lookin' at the moon
as WELL as big, fat Sherriff Tex n' 'Nine-Toed Elmer' Boone
Tex held his trusty shotgun. Elmer - two five-shooter Colts
Our heros knew betwixt 'em BOTH, they packed a DEADLY JOLT
Then Sheffiff Tex he told 'em, "Y'all now stand up nice n' slow!
I SWEAR THIS DAY, yer're gonna PAY fer POOR OL' ELMER'S TOE!"
"FORTY BUCKS should COVER it … " drawled Tex … Elmer said, "Yup."
"Now empty out yer pockets boys! It's time ta DIVVY UP!"
Moe reached into his dungarees n' pulled out twenny 'ONES'
While Pete dug through his buckskins, hopin' he would find a gun
Instead his total wampum tallied $19.99
Pete handed it to Elmer who said, "Thet'll do jest fine!
Ain't no amount o' money's bringin' back ma fav'rite toe
I wanted y'all ta hang but figger - that ain't apropos."
An' so ol' Sherriff Tex he turned ta "Nine-Toed Elmer" Boone
N' said, "Ah'd say we's done here. Let's head back ta tha saloon."
The posse standin' by, heaved HUGE RELIEF (a few was cryin')
Tex hollered at 'em, "BACK TA TOWN, BOYS! NINE-TOED ELMER'S BUYIN"
"YEE HAW!" they WHOOPED, as they all headed back for Santa Fe
Then Tex he said to Moe n' Pete "Y'all have a real nice day!"
So Cowboy Moe said, "Y'all too", they both KNEW they'd got off CHEAP
Then dusted off their saddle bags n' layed back down to sleep
The End …
48 LINES, TRADITIONAL