A Grimm Fairytale Revisited in Horrific Fashion
| "Rapunzel, baby, long time no see. Where you been keeping yourself?' Prince Larry said, trying to appear hip and with it for the fair maiden standing in front of him. But alas, the poor Prince was anything but hip. He was socially awkward, clumsy, and not too bright. Standing just five foot four inches tall, he made up for his puny height in attitude. Women failed to swoon on his approach, but Prince Larry failed to notice. His one-hundred and twenty-pound frame held a very large ego.
"Listen ferret-face, my name is Zel. That is how you shall address me. Rapunzel is old news. No more towers or Prince Charming-Assholes for this girl. I am in charge of my own destiny," said the lovely maiden, who was fair of face and exquisite beauty. Her long, golden hair was pinned at the nape of her neck with a twig. It glistened in the sunlight, and the sight of it caused Prince Larry to ejaculate in his pants, leaving a wet spot on his drawers. Both Zel and Prince Larry giggled at the event, him for obvious reasons.
"Then, "Zel" it is. Do you think maybe you could spread some of that destiny my way?"
"Little Larry, you are insignificant, like a pimple on a donkey's ass. I hang with people that can do something for me. You amuse me but that's about it unless I'm missing something. Got any paint you can put on that picture?"
"My dear Zel, Larry here dabbles in the magic of the dark. I have the power to fulfill your greatest desires. That is if you supply me with your favor. Prince Larry ain't no bumpkin. I know the score," said the Prince, as he attempted to bow for the maiden but managed only to fall backward into a thorn bush. He rose quickly, pulling the splintering shards from his nether regions.
"Do you fancy me a dunce? Dark powers, my ass. You can barely stand up on your own. And with the cream in your drawers, you hardly need my favor. I think we are better off going our separate ways."
"Please, observe," said the Prince, pulling a glowing orb from his waistcoat. He rubbed the globe with his tiny hands, causing it to fill with black smoke. The face of Satan, complete with an evil grin and monstrous red eyes, appeared in the glass.
The deep and gravelly voice emanating from the glass verified the demonic presence.
"You summoned me?"
"Hey Darkness, my man. How's it hanging? I got this gal and I needed to prove that I know you. Could you put in a good word for me? Her name is Zel."
"You dare to interrupt my dealings for the trivial needs of the horny?"
"No, no dude you got it all wrong. She got some stuff she's "gonna" be wanting. And underneath all that hair is a soul, just ripe for the picking. You play poker with me and I'll see to it that you score."
"Satan garners his own souls. There is no commission for idiots of your ilk," said the demon in the glass. To ensure that his point was clear, Prince Larry was given quite the hot foot. As he danced around from the burning of his soles, Larry tried desperately to get Satan's attention. Mr. Darkness seemed unimpressed with the concert, yawning like a bored pheasant within the globe.
"Whoa, Whoa, stop that a moment. I got something to tell you. She has magic hair! That might just be a bonus for you," he whispered into the orb. He didn't want Zel to know that he was making a deal with the devil. Larry held up one finger, asking the maiden to wait just a moment.
"What power do the tresses contain? Who grants her locks this gift?"
"Man, I don't know the whole story. Something about a flower, but that hair will kick ass. It glows and grows. It turns into lightning and swords. It heals people. I think the girl is immortal, which could be used to your benefit if you get my drift. I only want a small portion of the magic. If I 'm seen with a beauty like her, I will finally get some respect around this kingdom."
"Introduce me to this maiden. I will decide for myself if she is of any use to me."
Prince Larry turned to cast the orb out in front of him once again. He raised it up, placing it close enough to touch Zel's nose. She backed away, worried that the toad before her was up to something.
"May I introduce to you The Prince of Darkness, Lord of All Evil, Leader of the Black Realm, and Ruler of the Underworld? Zel, give it up for my friend, Satan."
"Larry, there is just something not right about you. You're pointing to a guy in a glass, who's even smaller than you, as all-powerful. Again, you amuse me."
At just that moment, the globe seemed to melt into the Prince's hand, leaving behind a raven, black as coal. The bird's feathers were sleek and groomed. His eyes glowed orange and yellow fire.
"Do not dare to mock my power," the Raven shrieked. Smoke flew from his eyes and wisped through the air, weaving with Zel's hair. Her tresses turned to serpents and their tongues were forked in fire. Zel brought her index finger to her lips wetting it with her spit. She placed the finger on one solitary piece of hair. Both the serpents and the fire disappeared in the sweet magic of the maiden. The Raven clucked loudly at the interruption of his black magic.
"Don't get your feathers all ruffled, little Satan dude. I just don't see you doing much for me."
"And what is it you desire?" said the Raven.
"Well, I got this witch that I need to dispose of and all of these jerks, like Larry here, do nothing but annoy me. I want the grandest of castles. Being rich wouldn't hurt, and while we're at it, a title is important. This golden hair and I want a promising future. I don't think bird pellets are all that powerful."
"I can make you my queen. I can grant you all that ask if you promise to bear Satan's son. You must pledge your soul to me and only me." The Raven whispered. He turned his neck at a ninety-degree angle, focusing on Prince Larry. With the wink of his eye, poor Larry became engulfed in flames. His jism and thorns burned with him. The bird landed on Zel's shoulder.
"Sorry, but nobody owns this lady. I stick around as long as things are interesting. But you did a good job on him," said Zel pointing to Larry's ashes.
"Alright, you are free to walk anytime you like. We can negotiate all of this. What about bearing my son?"
"This girl has a reputation to protect. Do I see a ring hanging on that beak? You seem a little shady. Besides, birds and humans don't mate well."
Satan's anger grew, as he pecked at the woman's tresses. Rapunzel was infuriating the devil, causing him to squawk loudly into her ear. Satan cast his image into a man. Sleek and debonair, he presented himself to the maiden. He was clothed in a black tuxedo and cape. His pasty white face bore just hint of red undertones. His eyes were still the flaming gold emblems of the raven. His hair was slicked with the devil's oils and black as the bird's feathers. He was stunning and powerful in his physique. Zel gasped momentarily enthralled by his looks.
"Does this form please you better?"
"It will do, I suppose. You could use some sun, though. We'll talk. In the meantime, let's go see what we can do about that witch, I was telling you about. No promises, but things are looking up," Zel said as she flung her golden hair behind her ears.
The pair walked off into the sunset, forging their future. As they walked, they took turns setting people on fire and choking passersby with ropes of hair. This was not exactly a match made in heaven.
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