Sorry for the cliche. No more succinct a description exists "Be careful what you wish for"
CHAPTER 1: WISH
With over 500,000 movies existing in the world, most of them over an hour long, and with the recommended length of a scene being 3 minutes, that comes to roughly 10 million movie scenes in existence.
So why, why, why?
Why, out of all the scenes that have ever been put to film, is there one particular scene in my head, playing with perfect clarity at this moment?
Why am I now reliving one hilarious scene from the movie: Army of Darkness?
For those of you who have not had the unmitigated pleasure, I feel an obligation to explain a bit about this scene. After all, it had the audacity to claw its way out of the swirling abyss that is my memory bank. I couldn’t possibly know about you but to me, a Herculean effort like that deserves notice
Skipping a few chapters, or in the case of this trilogy series, skipping entire novels worth of story, brings us to a foreboding cemetery. The floor plan, obfuscated by an encroaching fog, is punctuated by the presence of a few standout objects. One is a bent, crooked pillar of wood so rotten that it could only pass for a tree in the wildest of imaginations. The second is a monument to evil idolatry or perhaps Satanism in general, manifested in the form of a blood soaked, stone altar. A carpet of dead or dying grass manages to gasp for air through a few holes in the white, floating mist. Once a normal cemetery, locals competing to win the “understatement of the year award” may have opined that a few hundred dashes of spooky were long ago added to the seemingly ethereal environment.
In the center, rearing up on haunches too proud, defiant and stupid to crouch is a thick chinned, broad shouldered, statuesque man.
Ah, there’s our man, the hero of this grand fantasy-horror-camp cult classic, Ash. Near the end of a long, arduous journey, he has to remember a specific command phrase in order to, get this, operate a book.
Remembering a phrase to operate a book? Is he daft? Why wouldn’t the man simply turn the page with his fingers? Last I checked it was a relatively simple matter to operate a book! What a fool!
Ah, but you see, this is no ordinary book. This is the Necronomicon. (Imagine a crack of thunder and flash of lightning to herald the arrival of wanton evil)
This is a book so powerful that it can raise the dead, summon the foulest of demons and inflict horrific damage upon any singular entity unfortunate enough to be targeted by the wrath of whoever happens to possess the book.
This ancient, cursed tomb, its cover bound by the stripped flesh of murdered innocents, comes equipped with a malicious will of its own that is so powerful, it can corrupt even the strongest, purest of minds.
It can do all of this and more on its way to triggering a world ending apocalypse of biblical proportions. This is a book imbued with enough hellish power to completely fu-...uh...foul up the world.
Having always been a bit of a “fly by the seat of your pants/just wing it” type of guy Ash figures “Hey, I need to use the book, I don’t remember the stupid phrase and I’m in kind of a rush. What if I just remember the first half of the phrase? Ah, no one’s keeping score, it’ll be fine!”
He does what no one else would think to do in that situation…What situation? Ah, you know the one. The one where you’re confronted with a magic item that could alter reality?
Oh you’ve never been…?
Well, I suppose that’s fair. Reality altering books or gem stones seem to be out of stock in this life.
Until Ash found the Necronomicon you could have said the same for his mundane universe as well. Yet, even among a world of people inexperienced with magic, it becomes quite apparent that Ash was uniquely unqualified to handle things.
You see Ash…is not a smart man.
He walks to the tiniest corner of his own mind, reaches deep into the bag of cartoon trickery that he had long since stashed away and he spends a moment or two grasping absent-mindedly for a solution that would carry him away from his predicament.
What does he settle on?