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Rated: E · Script/Play · Comedy · #2178142
A swashbuckling yarn on the high seas of the West Indies, where true love meets piracy.
This is my first clumsy attempt at writing a play. I Couldn't find any comedy plays online for our family to use so, I decided to write one. It's not art, it's simple and non-descriptive. Please let me know what you think of the first installment. Thanks

The Pirates and The Parrot of Indigo Island

A swashbuckling tale set on the high seas of the West Indies, where true love and magic clash with the evil of piracy.


Lady Priscilla Pentonville Poshfrock Penzance (Posh English nasal girl's voice)
Daughter of Lord Percival Pompous Penzance
Spoiled heiress to the Penzance estate, she is a naive dreamer who has filled her head with romantic notions of pirates and heroes, adventure and rebellion. Born to a life of overindulgence and ease, she has always been given whatever she wanted.

Simon Savvyless
Dimwitted but loyal middle class lad who aspires to be more in life. A chance meeting turned into a secret courtship with Lady Priscilla. who he is now besotted with. Lord Penzance would not approve of this relationship.

Captain Beigebeard Killjoy (Old man with gruff voice and fierce cry)
Pirate captain of the bad ship “The Rancid Shark.” Hates anything positive or nice, due to being abandoned by his mummy on his 5th birthday and being sold into ship servitude, by his daddy, on his 10th birthday, for half a bottle of rum and a quid of tobacco.
Due to the traumas of childhood, can't pronounce a certain letter of the alphabet and so, substitutes it for the letter R (“Aaaaarrrrr!”) to make him sound more fierce.

Sassy Belle (Young American girl from Louisiana, with a southern drawl and an evil attitude.)
First Mate aboard the “Rancid Shark”
Was jilted at the alter by her fiancée and later shot him. Freed by pirates while being taken by ship to a penitentiary off the southern coast. Hates romance, cuddles, kissing and weddings.

Charles Cobwebs (Old man, working class but tries to speak “proper.” For American audiences, he sounds Australian, like Bert the Chimney Sweep)
Butler and guardian of young Lady Penzance.

Willy Winker (Cheeky, Jolly young Cockney pirate lad)
Swab hand and assistant on The Rancid Shark.” Knows all the tricks and ways of pirates.
Uses his own brand of Cockney rhyming slang (which makes no sense and isn't understood by anyone else, including other Cockneys).

Really Right Reverend Timothy Tithe (Strong Scottish accent)
Eternally optimistic, but confused clergyman.

Martha Dumplingpot (Middle-aged lady with Cornish accent)
Lady-in-Waiting to young Lady Penzance. Full of old wives tales and superstition. Prudish (“Ow dare You”) but secretly longing for love.

Madam Hemlock (Irish exaggerated voice)
Gypsy lady. Source of gossip and information on local goings on. Drunkard, prefers payment in bottles of rum

Baroness Cordelia Camomile Cashpot (Elderly, very posh, snooty lady)
Young Lady Penzance's Aunt. Calls everyone names (idiot, imbecile, dotard). Carries trunk of wigs around, due to baldness.

Rosa Salmonella (Italian foul-mouthed)
Ships cook aboard the “Rancid Shark.” Bad tempered, bad cook, bad hygiene, bad breath.

Gobsmack (Parrot's shrill voice preceded by “Raaaar”)
Parrot with a loud voice and an excellent memory. Repeats everyone's secrets and causes much embarrassment and annoyance.

Tavern in Boston, USA

An older man peers sheepishly around edge of door to survey the people inside. He is dressed in a formal black suit with bow tie. After looking for a few seconds he turns to speak to someone waiting outside the tavern.

COBWEBS - “Really Miss Priscilla, this is no place for the likes of you milady. This place is full of bandits and ruffians.”

Priscilla's head appears at the door with a look of delight on her face.

LADY PRISCILLA - “Oh really Cobwebs, do you really think so? Oh, how exciting, it's just like that book I nearly read, you know the one about the bandits that rob the merchant and leave him by the roadside, and then the hero, good Sam Maritime comes along and spends all his money and rescues him.”

A third head appears, that of the Lady-in-Waiting, Martha. She glances around nervously and then speaks to her Lady.

MARTHA - “I think that was the Bible Maarm, about the good Samaritan. But there be no good people in this den of robbers, you mark my words.”

Lady Priscilla enters and makes her way to the landlord at the bar. As they approach the bar, a scruffy man calls out to Martha.

DRUNKARD - “Allo my fine buxom lass, ows about a kiss and a roll in the lumber yard ay?”

MARTHA - “Ow dare you sir, I'm a lady I am, and I ain't inclined to frolic with strangers. Furthermore, I am the Lady-in-Waiting for the Lady Priscilla Pentonville Poshfrock Penzance, heiress to the Troughmoor Estate, so you just keep yer filthy mits to yerself matey.”

As they reach the bar, a man with a huge moustache stares at them coldly while wiping a tankard.

LADY PRISCILLA - “Good day, jolly barkeep fellow, serve me a round of intoxicating refreshments for me and my servants if you would.”
The Landlord is offended and confused by her request. He grunts and looks at Cobwebs.

COBWEBS - “She means can we have a drink please mate?”

The Landlord pours three drinks into dirty glasses and then holds his hand out.

Lady Priscilla dismisses him with a wave of her hand and addresses Cobwebs.

LADY PRISCILLA - “Pay the fellow Cobwebs would you? Now barman, I am looking for some information about pirates, more specifically, the most fearsome pirate of the seven seas, Captain Beigebeard Killjoy, where might I find him?”

A sudden shocked hush falls over the crowd. The only sound is a parrot in the corner squawking
“Raaar.... Killjoy Killjoy.”

The Landlord looks alarmed and leans in closely to Lady Priscilla. In a hushed voice he says:

“Don't say that accursed name in here Miss, or else you'll likely meet your doom. If you really want to find someone like him you need to speak to Madam Hemlock. She lives in the green cottage at the end of the town. Now leave before there's trouble.”

MARTHA - “Yes, please Maam, let us leave this squalid place. You know the old saying – Turn your tail and you'll only lose your tail.”

Lady Priscilla looks confused for a moment and then she strides toward the door.

LADY PRISCILLA - “We are leaving now to find this mysterious woman. Anyway, we don't have tails, so don't be silly Martha.”

As they near the door, the parrot squawks again;
“Raaar – Silly Martha, Silly Martha.”

Lady Priscilla and Cobwebs glance at each other and smile.

LADY PRISCILLA - “Oh what a delightfully funny creature, Cobwebs, we must have him to entertain at parties. Buy him before we leave will you?”

COBWEBS “(groans) As you wish melady but it won't be easy concealing him from your aunt on the journey home. You know what she's like about small animals.”

Priscilla dismisses him with a wave.

LADY PRISCILLA - “Oh hush, Cobwebs, We're not going home, remember? We are going to find that horrid, wild, glorious pirate Captain Killjoy!”

PARROTT - “Raaar Killjoy, Killjoy.”

COBWEBS - “Shut up you stupid bird.”

Cobwebs turns to Landlord and offers him money.

COBWEBS - “How much for the annoying parrot mate?”

The Landlord scratches his head and thinks for a minute.

LANDLORD - “Two sovereigns, and not a penny more.”

COBWEBS - “You mean not a penny less?”

LANDLORD - “No sir, I'll pay two sovereigns if you take him.”

MARTHA - “Oh that's so mean. How can you part with such a lovely innocent creature?”

There is a chorus of laughter in the room, and the landlord shakes his head in amusement at Martha.

LADY PRISCILLA - “Pay the man Cobwebs, we don't have all day.”

They leave the tavern.
Further up the path, near the end of the town they see a run down shack painted in a dingy green. Over the door hang various baubles and trinkets, including animal paws and tails. As they approach the shack, they hear a commotion from within. Lady Priscilla turns to her butler and nods towards the entrance.

LADY PRISCILLA – “Introduce me Cobwebs.”

As they enter the shack, they see a ruddy-cheeked, middle aged woman in a worn, stained dress. She is throwing things at a man who is backing away carefully.

MADAM HEMLOCK - “Ya cheatin filanderer ye, I gave ya me secrets and now ya wants to leave ole Mary without payment do ya? Well no-one steals whisky from Madam Hemlock, ya pile of sheep dip.”

She grabs a bowl from the table in the middle of the dimly lit room and is about to hurl it at the retreating customer. Cobwebs stands in the doorway unsure what to do. After a second he makes a noise with his throat.

COBWEBS - “Ahem, Do we have the pleasure of addressing Madam Hemlock?”

Mary freezes, turning her intense gaze upon Cobwebs. For a moment she seems implacable, and Cobwebs almost expects the bowl to come hurtling towards him but, after a few breathless seconds, a smile breaks out on her reddened features.

MADAM HEMLOCK - “Well, would ya look at that. Guests in my humble establishment. Aye, I am Madam Hemlock, keeper of sacred knowledge, imparter of ancient wisdom and reader of people's hearts. Who would ye fine folk be then?”

COBWEBS - “Greetings dear lady, I am Charles Cobwebs, Butler and Assistant to Lady Priscilla Pentonville Poshfrock Penzance, heiress to the Troughmoor Estate, England, and this is her.”

Priscilla and Martha step into the flickering lights and make themselves known. Martha curtsies while Priscilla holds out her hand awaiting a kiss of obeisance. Mary Hemlock grabs her hand and shakes it vigorously, her smile widening to reveal stained teeth and lines of wear.

MADAM HEMLOCK - “That's grand my dear, please have a seat and tell me how Madam Hemlock can assist such an important lady. I hope you don't be wanting me to cast any doll spells on your parents to seal your inheritance because I don't go in for all that vindictive stuff, not since I had an accident with one of me doll's heads anyway. Besides, you should respect your parents young lady.”

LADY PRISCILLA - “Oh no, dear lady, no such thing, I understand you can tell me the whereabouts of a notorious pirate, Captain Beigebeard Killjoy, you see, I must find him.”

There is a look of surprise and intrigue on Madam Hemlock's face. She takes a seat and looks Priscilla up and down.

MADAM HEMLOCK - “That's a bold request darlin Ladyship, I could gets meself in a bundle of trouble for sharing such information. Why would a proper lady like yerself be wantin to find such a nasty, ruthless buckaneer as Capn Killjoy then?”

MARTHA - “She wants to get married.”

MADAM HEMLOCK - “Well I love yer boldness me dear but, I don't think Captain Killjoy is looking to get married. He's a bit busy plundering, pillaging and ravishing, to settle down to married life.”

LADY PRISCILLA - “Oh no, Madam Hemlock, what Martha means is that I need Captain Killjoy's help to marry my betrothed.”

Madam Hemlock looked even more confused.

MADAM HEMLOCK - “Well, I really don't think that Captain Killjoy has ever performed a wedding ceremony before, funerals, yes, floggings, definitely, and he does a lovely dignified plank-walking ceremony, but not weddings. Besides, England's a long way to travel from to find a marriage clerk isn't it dear?”

Cobweb can remain silent no longer and decides to clarify the situation so that they can all get on with their lives before the years end.

COBWEB – (mumbles to himself) “Oh for Pete's sake” - “What mylady means Madam is, that she intends to arrange a fake kidnapping by Captain Killjoy so that her betrothed, Simon Savvyless, can come to her rescue, thereby being a dashing hero worthy of her hand in marriage.”

Priscilla smiles at Cobweb.

LADY PRISCILLA - “Thank you dear Cobweb. You see Madam, my father, Lord Penzance, would never agree to me marrying someone who doesn't have an estate of at least a million guineas and a grouse-shooting licence. This way, my father will have to agree to the marriage.”

Madam Hemlock clapped her hands in delight and grinned enthusiastically.

MADAM HEMLOCK - “Oh I love it. You are a real romantic young lady. I'll be glad to point yer in the right direction. But I do have me price dear, and I must warn ye that there will be dangers involved.”

Priscilla's little pale face lit up with joy and she nodded zealously.

LADY PRISCILLA - “Oh absolutely, Madam, name your price, perhaps a dangerous task we must undertake, or crossing some crocodile-infested waters or maybe we can steal back a valuable jewel once stolen from you by a jilted lover?”

MADAM HEMLOCK - “Actually dear, I was just going to ask for three bottles of rum and a flask of gin. It's for medicinal purposes ya see, I've a weak heart.”

LADY PRISCILLA - “Of course Madam. Cobwebs, please go and purchase this helpful lady ten bottles of best rum and five flasks of gin.”

Madam Hemlock now sits forward and she stares intensely at Priscilla with her big brown eyes which are made even more disconcerting by her spoiled aye makeup. After a long pause she starts to speak in a low melodromatic voice.

MADAM HEMLOCK - “But first, young lover, I must warn ya of the dangers. Captain Killjoy has sailed for the lost island of Indigo, a strange land, full of mystery and ancient magic. They say it lies to the north of Barbados, betwixt the Crags of Eternity and the Twin Rocks of Flippin Ages. Ya must then sail silently through Dugong infested waters until ya sees the Arch of Amour, then ya has arrived at Indigo.”

MARTHA - “But what's a Dugong and why must we sail silently through them? Will they rise up and kill us?”

MADAM HEMLOCK - “Oh no dear, they like their afternoon naps and it's rude to wake them. Anyway, when ya arrives on the island, ya must be careful to block yer ears now or yall be in deep trouble. Ya see, on the island lives an enchanted creature whose song bewitches people and makes them fall in love with whoever's voice they hear next.”

LADY PRISCILLA - “Oh my, sounds exciting and romantic.”

MADAM HEMLOCK - “Ya think, lass? There's talk that one man visited the creature when his mother-in-law sneaked up behind him. Even worse, some poor girl was inadvertantly followed by the Mayor of Manchester!”

LADY PRISCILLA AND MARTHA TOGETHER – (gasps in shock and horror) “Oh dear God, how tragic, the poor girl!”

MADAM HEMLOCK - “Ay, so be careful who ya take with ya.”

MARTHA - “But, why would the most notorious pirate of the seven seas want to go to such a romantic place?”

Madam Hemlock leans in closer, and after glancing around to make sure no-one was listening spoke

MADAM HEMLOCK - “I have no idea lass. Anyway, that's yer rums worth for today. I must be asking yers to leave now me darlins. Have fun tracking down that murderin cutthroat and getting kidnapped.”
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