The story of two people living in Portland
A Beautiful Love Story
It was a crazy day at home. Marilyn was working on her painting in her room. The painting was of her backyard in Spring. She always painted her backyard each season. She loved to paint. It was something she enjoyed. She put the finishing touches to a tree when a knocking on the door occurred. On the other side was a man. An odd man. Who tried to sell her...a set of cloth sheets of yellow? Okay, let's talk about the man.
His name was Fernando. Fernando loved to sell things door to door. Whether it was a good product or a terrible product, Fernando would sell it. This time around, he was in a yellow suit, yellow tie, faint yellow shirt and gold shoes holding a set of cloth sheets of yellow. Fernando knew how he would try to get the person in this house to buy the set. He was talk about the softness, then he would discuss the pricing, then offer help to get something more than yellow. He doesn't need to say anything since he has the charm of Will Smith in the nineties.
Marilyn looked out the door and saw Fernando. She was in shock. She never saw someone dress like that and in public!? She quickly walked away to hope he didn't notice her.
"Ma'am, I have sheets to sell," said Fernando. Marilyn was scared. What are sheets? She sneakily looked out the window and saw him. She saw a cross necklace. She was relieved. It was a Jehovah's Witness. She opened the door.
"I'm not interested in Jesus." Fernando was confused. He wasn't religious. He hates door to door people.
"Ma'am, I have these sheets...of yellow! I want to offer you these sheets. It's only twen-" he was cut off. She shut the door. That never happens. Fernando was confused. Did he come off too strong? No, he was fine. Did he confuse the purpose? She did think he was religious. Was it the cross? It was just a style choice.
Marilyn felt like an idiot. What are sheets? Is she stupid or something? It was probably the panicking that made her think that. Marilyn owns sheets. Sheets... of yellow. Her sheets... of yellow were old. They might have been white. They were passed down by her great grandmother. Her grandmother told her that Jesus may have been wrapped in them, but it was probably because she was religious. Maybe she was Jesus. Then again, she is a woman. But Jesus did have long hair...
Fernando walked home like Charlie Brown when he was rejected by that one chick. Why did she hate Jehovah's Witnesses? Why is he asking this when he hates door-to-door people? Why didn't she buy the sheets...of yellow? He blamed Donald Trump in his mind.
Marilyn was confused.
"Why is this tree so out place?" she asked aloud. She didn't know why she said it out loud, she just sort of did. The tree did look out of place. The tree looked dead. But she knew it wasn't, she saw leaves sprouting as soon as she got the painting dried. She walked out with a Coca-Cola. She loved Coke. It was her favorite drink. She watched the sun going down before realizing she was needing to go out with some friends. She got herself ready and backed up the ca- OH GOD, SHE HIT SOMEONE. She quickly got out. It was a squirrel. She felt remorse, but relief at the same time because it was a squirrel. She returned it to the tree in her front yard and buried the squirrel. The squirrel's friends and family came to mourn with Marilyn. Then they attacked her for killing the squirrel. So after a quick shower, some rubbing alcohol and new clothes later, she was off to see her friends at the club.
Fernando didn't have the luxury of a car. He had a nice apartment, lots of cool furniture and things like that from Ikea. He likes Ikea. He wants to work there. He's been waiting to see at the store or in the newspaper that Ikea was hiring. He was tired of being the thing he hates the most, which is door-to-door people. He also thinks he can be Swedish for long enough to work at Ikea, but that's besides the point. The point is, Fernando just got home from a two hour walk from Marilyn's house. He went to his sofa to relax and turned on his awesome 4K television he got at Walmart. He turned on the news and found a report of a squirrel revolution going on due to them being oppressed. Fernando shrugged it off as TMZ crap, even though it was on CNN. CNN, TMZ, both have three letters, so he hated them both. He watched a real cable news channel called Fox News.
As Marilyn rolled up to the club, she saw the club was closed due to the Squirrel Revolution going on. She then saw the club burst into flame with squirrels chasing employees out of the club while they were on fire. She left the club as it seemed too hot for her. She decided to go home. It was 2 AM, after all. So she went to bed. The next morning, she turned on the TV to see how the squirrel revolution went. It ended two hours after it began due to the use of some acorns and rocket ships. The squirrels were sent to Deep Space. She turned off the TV. She hated Fox News and their Republican crap. She watched a real cable news channel called CNN.
Fernando was at his local Walmart when he found something he never expected to see: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." "Why are they selling a short story from the twenties," he asked, before realizing it was in a bundle with the film adaptation starring Brad Pitt. He instantly bought it because he loves a good Brad Pitt movie. When Fernando got home, he instantly put the film with the story with his collection of Brad Pitt movies and F. Scott Fitzgerald stories. He loved The Great Gatsby. He thought it was a great film to describe the 1920s with the prosperity and the American Dream actually working. Fernando wishes he could at least experience the 1920s.
Marilyn was reading The Great Gatsby when she heard a vehicle pulling up down the street. She shrugged it off as being the neighbors. But it wasn't the neighbors. It was a man by the name of Steve. Steve was Marilyn's ex-boyfriend of three dates. THREE DATES. He was haunted by the thought of her living near his new home. He lived near a haunted house and it was his ex-girlfriend's. He then stared for a few hours or so. People thought he was a time-traveler currently shocked about how society and how it has devolved from the future, but he wasn't. He was a guy who lived near his ex-girlfriend.
Marilyn was at the nearest Target debating on what pair of jeans to buy.
"Do I buy the blue pair or the dark blue pair...OOOH, A DARKER BLUE PAIR!" She bought the Darker Blue Pair. When she was leaving she saw one man on the streets she didn't expect to see. Fernando. She saw him before, but couldn't place the events.
"Was he that weird Jehovah's Witness trying to sell me sheets... of yellow? Or was he the weirdo who mowed my parents lawn last week? Or some other third thing? Probably some other third thing."
It were days like these that created something weird. After the two hour Squirrel Revolution, the president learned that the sea people of Atlantis were invading Russia. President Donald J. Trump went onto Twitter to say the following: 'I hate that our Russian allies are being invaded and we aren't doing anything!'
He received backlash from millions, but it was felt the most in Portland, Oregon, to the point where the citizens they decided to burn the city in protest once more. Meanwhile in Springfield, Oregon, Fernando's parents were scared for their son's safety.
Fernando just smashed a window. It was an accident. The window he smashed was one that led to the fire-escape of the apartment complex. He was going to open it, but then his pet startled him and he slammed his elbow into the glass.
"It's just a cut," he said to himself repeatedly as he was bleeding. Fernando felt pain his own cat would startle him. Fernando felt more shame in the fact he was startled by the cat, but that's besides the point.
"Riots continue in Portland, Oregon, as the Atlantean people were moving their forces to Canada. President Trump is calling for action as the Atlanteans creep closer to Alaska."
Marilyn watched the news in horror. The fact that people would destroy their home because of the fact that no one will retaliate. Or is it because of what Trump tweeted? She had no idea until she heard a rock smash through a window. She saw the rock has a piece of paper on it. It read, "Take down Trump's Twitter!" Well, Marilyn knew why people were rioting now.
"Sir, we are close to the land of Alaska," said a commanding officer of the Atlanteans.
"Yes, good. We must take the Land of Alaska. They may have what we are looking for," said the leader of the Atlanteans.
"What exactly are we looking for again," asked a random Atlantean soldier
"We are looking for the sacred sheets...of yellow," replied another Atlantean soldier
Fernando used the sheets... of yellow to help stop the bleeding.
"I hope this red makes these sheets orange," he thought. He turned on the TV to see the riots destroying Ikea. He saw the Ikea be set ablaze by protesters. He was furious. He switched to MSNBC to see a report on the Atlanteans.
"It is in deep sadness we report that Alaska has fallen to Atlantean hands. The leader of the Atlanteans had this to say about the takeover: Glub glub glub glub, oh, much better, forgot to drain the water. *ahem*, Ladies and gentlemen of Earth. We are here today to say we lost our precious sheets... of yellow and we must get them back. We will keep destroying the world until we receive these sheets. Thank you, goo- glub glub!"
Fernando turned the TV off and noticed something. He removed the sheets from his wound to see it had completely healed. He was now scared that he was causing the end of the world.
"That's just great," he said in a worried, yet sarcastic tone.
"Sir, we have tracked where the sheets are."
"WHERE ARE THEY?"
"They are in Portland, Oregon under the possession of a, 'Fernando Shelton.'"
"We must go to this Portland place and take these sheets back...without force unless otherwise."
Fernando is not aware of what will happen in the coming day. The Portland Riots calmed down as it was heard that the Atlanteans are heading to Oregon for a takeover. Fernando was terrified of what will happen if the Atlanteans win. What would happen? Would they make them slaves? Sex slaves? Fernando doesn't want to be a sex slave. Unless it were for a sexy Atlante- NO, HE DOESN'T WANT THAT. So while he was preparing for the worst, across town, we had Fernando's parents driving in to save their son.
"He can take care of himself, you know," said Fernando's mother.
"Yeah, well, he's our son, we need to take him home to Springfield," said Fernando's father.
"Well, I'm going to knit him a new scarf," said Fernando's mother.
"You know he doesn't wear them," retorted Fernando's father
"I know, but it's a hobby," replied Fernando's mother.
Marilyn was flying to Texas to visit her parents in Harlingen. She was hoping they would be more inviting than the last time. She brought her douchebag boyfriend the last time she went and needless to say, it felt like a clash of Jersey Shore and Duck Dynasty. Well, her parents aren't THAT Southern. Thank god. But she may have to deal with a church visit. She said,"Kneel Before Zod" to a friend in a church because they were talking about Superman, to which the church shunned her and one kid even kicked her in the shins.
The river near Portland was going berzerk. The Atlanteans were coming. Well, actually, they were just about to enter the city. Fernando was on the roof of his apartment complex watching the Atlanteans enter the city. In his hands were what the Atlanteans were after. The Sacred Sheets...of Yellow. He was ready to just hand them over. His cat was with him. Fernando was the scared the cat would mess up the sheets...of yellow because, you know, cats are like that.
Anyways, the Atlanteans were outside the complex with the leader being escorted up to meet with Fernando. The door to the roof opened and a voice bellowed from inside.
"FERRRRNAAANNNDOOO SHELLLTONNNN," yelled the voice. Then walked in the leader of the Atlanteans.
"I have come to take my sacred sheets...of yellow back at once!" Fernando was scared. He lightly held out the sheets...of yellow. The leader of the Atlanteans took one look at them.
"Thank you! Alright boys, we're good!" He turned around.
"Dude, calm down, we didn't mean much harm." Fernando was about to faint. It could not have been that easy. The Atlanteans retracted their forces back to the Pacific to go back home to the Atlantic. Fernando was in shock. He walked down to turn on the TV to see the news say that the invasion was over.
"IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN THAT EASY," he yelled out loud. His mother walked in with his new scarf.
"You look like you've seen a ghost," she said.
"Aren't you glad the invasion is over?"
"IT COULD NOT. HAVE BEEN. THAT. EASY!!!"
"Wow, another Starbucks!"
"Oh my god, more Starbucks!"
"These damn kids and their Carducks!" A new Starbucks opened in Portland today. Fernando loved a good Venti-Sized coffee from Starbucks, after all. Who doesn't?
Fernando slammed his fist on the counter.
"I want a Venti-Sized Ice Coffee, is that so hard to ask for here?"
"We don't sell Venti-Sized anymore. President Trump made it illegal to have a size be called Venti because it felt 'unpatriotic' or something like that."
"Can I have a large Ice Coffee?"
"Sorry, sir, we don't sell large, either. We have the new Kywy size if you want."
"Is that Venti?"
As someone arrived to get their Kywy-Sized coffee, they heard Fernando yell at the woman at the counter and walk off. "What a jerk," they thought. Fernando sat down and pulled out his Kindle.
"Reports are coming in that American businesses are rejecting the 15% tax margin and many are moving to Canada or China. President Trump had this to say: 'I don't care if these businesses are leaving. They are ruining the lives of millions because of their own selfishness. I want them back, but 15% is all I'm willing.' Trump then stated on Twitter that, 'China can have those businesses if they want to work with slopes.' Li Kequang then said in a public speech that China will not take those words kindly. We will keep you all informed as this story progresses. This is Wolf Blitzer, signing off." Marilyn turned the TV off. She was scared of what the Chinese may do to the U.S. Hopefully, it won't be too drastic.
Fernando received an interesting letter in the mail today. It was from the U.S Government. It read: Dear Fernando J. Shelton, we are informing you that you have been drafted to the military. He couldn't read anymore. Drafted? This will not go well. I am not built for military, I'm built for working at the newly rebuilt and more beautiful IKEA.
Fernando turned on the TV to Fox News to see the devastating report.
"We are here in the Fox News offices in New York City, New York to report to you that China has threatened war if Trump does not stop with his ridiculous claims about the Chinese. Trump then said on Twitter 'I hate China and what they stand for. Socialism doesn't work.' The Chinese have then said that the President is treading on a thin line. More on the story will come." Fernando was saddened. I'm fighting in a possible war because Trump is angry on Twitter all the time. I hate the United States. He looked at his draft card and thought about burning it. It may be illegal, but I can't fight this war. Then he heard more terrible news.
"It has been reported that China has declared war on the United States. The Chinese are sending in soldiers into the Philippines at this moment and...we just received word a nuclear strike was launched and landed in Los Angeles, California. May god have mercy on our souls."
Fernando was in a vehicle moving towards a fortified town in Nevada. The war has been raging for months. The Chinese have been relentless. Russia had helped the U.S, but had to stop because Putin had a choice between Ukraine or helping the U.S. He chose the former. The world was in chaos. Fernando was tired. He was sad to know Portland was taken by the Chinese a week ago. It was a sad event. The vehicle stopped. They were told to get out and head to the nearby restaurant for a briefing from the General. It was a changed time.
"Listen, ladies. This war needs to end now. And we know how to do it. Private Shelton, you have been handpicked to try the latest in our Time Travel experiments. Your orders, if you live, are to run in the 2016 Presidential Election as a Republican. You must save the United States. You're our only hope."
Fernando was sad he wasn't the Private Shelton. There had to be two Sheltons. So Private Shelton entered the time machine and...well, he died fast.
"Do we have any other options?"
"What about Corporal Shelton?"
"Corporal Shelton? He just got evaporated."
"No, that was Private Shelt- you said he was a Private when you called him."
"I just promoted him for his sacrifice."
"Anyways, Fernando, do you want to try?" Fernando was scared. He just watched a man get evaporated by a time machine. He had to, though, because the General would make him.
"Great! Put on the suit and go back in time and save the world. No pressure." Fernando put on said suit, walked in and...black screen.
"Aww man, my Kindle died," said Fernando. He wasn't in war, he was reading a book about war. He was surprised how much Trump fiction popped up.
"Well, it was a weird story, anyways. Not as weird as this one, though." Fernando said, sarcastically while breaking the fourth wall. Well, of his apartment. His TV fell down, so he had to get the warranty one that would appear... sometime in the next few days.
Marilyn was walking to her job at IKEA when she ran into...you guessed it, Fernando. Fernando was looking to replace his table when he saw Marilyn. He walked over before realizing it may end horri - she's looking over here. Act cool, Fernando, act cool. Fernando started acting like the biggest dork on the planet. She was laughing and walked over.
"Aren't you that guy who tried to sell me sheets...of yellow," she said.
"Eugghahehewa," said Fernando.
"Sorry, I do that around pretty women." She chuckled. A corny joke may be corny, but that was totally smooth and not trying too hard to get away with making a noise that Mr. Krabs from Spongebob would make.
So as they were sparking conversation, an IKEA employee walked over and studied them for a moment
"Young couple... moving in... can I interest you two into this sofa?" The two were confused. Fernando decided to speak up.
"Uh, we aren't...together...as in relationship...uh..."
"What's he trying to say is that we're just old friends, we hadn't seen each other in a while." The IKEA employee was silent for a bit. Then he said,
"My apologies," he said, then walked away quickly.
"I don't know why he tried selling a sofa to me, I work here," exclaimed Marilyn. Her and Fernando proceeded to laugh at that remark. After their chat in IKEA, they decided to head out into the parking lot. Fernando decided to ask one of the worst questions he could.
"Would you like to have sex with me?"
"I'm sorry, what did you just say?"
"I mean, do you want to get...coffee...from Starbucks?"
"Uh...sure...I guess..." She was at a loss. This weird, random guy who tried to sell me sheets...of yellow wants me to get coffee with him. Well, what could go wrong?
While they were enjoying their coffee, Doctor Octopus threw a car into the Starbucks.
"Where is Peter Parker?" Everyone was confused.
"Does anyone know a Peter Parker?" Everyone stayed silent until someone spoke up.
"...He's in New York."
After that traumatic experience, Marilyn was on her way home when her car broke down. That's strange since the car had been repaired earlier. Maybe she needs a new mechanic. As she fixed the vehicle, she heard breathing. And then she couldn't see. She was kidnapped.
Fernando found the compound of where Marilyn was held captive. He entered a room to see the freezing room from The Empire Strikes Back. Then, a man in a cloak came out, doing a Darth Vader breathing impression. The man was a scrawny man, with a neckbeard and a fedora. He spoke in a nasally voice.
"I have your beloved princess. Fight me for her with this Juulsaber."
" Juulsaber? Don't you mean lightsaber?"
"SHUT UP!" The man tossed the 'Juulsaber' at Fernando. Fernando turned it on to see a glowing Juulsaber. It was mint.
"I always hated mint," Fernando muttered.
"So you challenge Dark Vaper!?"
"Uh...sure." Dark Vaper? Seriously? And thus, a battle of the ages began that was so intense, it lasted thirty seconds because Dark Vaper could only do so much before running out of breath.
As Fernando and Dark Vaper battled, Marilyn was trapped in a Princess Leia metal bikini outfit. She liked it, it was kinky. But she hated it because it wasn't for bed. She was trying to figure out a way out of the room she was trapped in when she tapped the door and door fell down. It was cardboard.
"He may be a nerd, but not a mastermind," she muttered.
As Dark Vaper battled Fernando, Dark Vaper knew something about the Juulsaber he could use on his side. He was able to destroy the Juulsaber's light, thus eliminating the threat. Vaper started rapidly swinging his saber until the Juulsaber was falling apart. Fernando used the broken saber by lightly tapping the toy at Dark Vaper. Vaper proceeded to fall to the ground, while monologuing about coming back or something. Fernando didn't pay attention, so he didn't know what Vaper was going on and on about. When Vaper fell to the ground, he actually had a hole in his chest. Wait, were the sabers real? Fernando threw the remaining mint saber at Vaper and it cut him in half, come to find that Vaper was more machine than man.
Fernando and Marilyn walked to where this story began, at Marilyn's home in the suburbs. Fernando decided to move in. The two entered the home to see it was dark. They both looked out the back to see the tree growing leaves of green. The looked at each other and smiled. They went upstairs to the bedroom...
"I love you," they both said. And after that, they laid down on a bed, covered in yellow sheets.