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Rated: 18+ · Script/Play · Satire · #2185737
A young, new, researcher in Yale Med School is targeted by a rogue crew of FBI agents.















CHAPTER ONE

Title Page














PUSHING UP DAISIES


by


merry




















Your name

Your address

Your phone number

Your email address















CHAPTER TWO

Scenes


OPENING SCENE: GRADUATION CEREMONIES AT MERTON UNIVERSITY IN RICHMOND INDIANA.

EXT. OUTDOOR SCENE OF COMMENCEMENT OF GRADUATES OF MERTON UNIVERSITY-DAY

The gates to the stadium open and a stream of hooded, capped and gowned candidates enter, filling the rows of folded seats facing the front stage.

MARY ENJI SCOTT

Whee! A lovely May day to finally get my Ph.D. I'm so stoked. So tired of taking exams, Beanie.

BEANIE SANCHEZ

Me too. What a relief. Here what's the plan for after?

MARY

I'm going to have a party - my parents are inviting all our family and friends.

BEANIE

Me, we're going to the big hotel - the one where they filmed that bicycle movie? We're taking a ballroom.

She grins.

BEANIE

I'm going to be so drunk tonight.

MARY

I'll be packing. I'm going to be moving to Yale. You knew, didn't you?

BEANIE

Yeah.

(Grins.)

I am so jealous. But - Yale, are you sure? That's so far away.

MARY

I'm sure. I think it will be cool. I've always thought that place was a good place to get a career going.

BEANIE

Yeah, well, those places - they're like too white. You could probably get through it but I'm suspicious.

MARY

Beanie, there are a lot of people who are minorities there. What do you think they'll just somehow get -

BEANIE

I'm saying, it's a place a person could be swallowed up.

MARY

(Reminiscent tone.)

Yeah, the man I'll be working for - he said something about the "secret societies" there. I thought it was a bit weird but I didn't really think much of it.

BEANIE

You think that you'd be like 'tapped' and made into some big shot?

They laughed. They both reached their seats and sat down.

MARY

No, I'm not an undergrad. They do that to the undergrads. I'm there to work for my post doc.

BEANIE

Oh. I see. I'll be going to work for the staff at the Wirding Hospital. You knew didn't you?

MARY

I know. I hope you do well there. I suppose you will be getting married to Derrick soon?

BEANIE

Yes, he asked me to marry him last night.

She shows her ring. Mary looks at it and smiles with appreciation.

MARY

Cool ring, Beans. I am very happy for you and Derrick.

BEANIE

Yeah. Derrick wants us to get a family soon. He's like so happy I'm done.

MARY

(Sighs.)

I never got lucky to have a guy so far.

BEANIE

You will. I know you will. You're a good looking girl. Not yet thirty years old.

MARY

I'm almost twenty nine, Beanie.

BEANIE

Ha. No, see, you're into your career. I always saw you as somebody who wanted to get educated then you were gonna be somebody who'd be marrying. But Yale, Mary. I don't know. Who there would you want to go out with? All those white ass men, hahaha.

They both laugh again, this time with relish.

MARY

Ok, so I'm not into looking for just any guy.

BEANIE

Absolutely. You have a lot going for you. Your parents are both smart and educated, and then you come from a line of good teachers, and then your Dad - he's a lawyer,right? So you're gonna look for somebody who's like a lawyer right?

They giggle. The commencement starts but they aren't listening.

BEANIE

Ok, so you need to hang out with those law students, girl.

MARY

Oh, no. I'm not into lawyers. I hate them arguing all the time, the debates et cetera. Oh, no.

BEANIE

So who would be the ideal guy?

MARY

(Looks away dreamily.)

Well,I went there to that guys place I was hired to work at. One of the men there looked nice. He's from Ohio. Very nice and respectful. I actually felt happy there was a guy there from the Midwest. If it were the others only, I might be in a pickle. They're all a bit snobbish.

BEANIE

So that's why you chose Yale? This guy from Ohio?

(She laughs so hard and slaps her thigh.)

You gotta be on some kind of medication, Mary. You don't, you DO NOT work somewhere based on some guy who's from the same area of the country as you. It's gotta be more than that, miss.

MARY

(Looking upset.)

No, No. It's not just that guy. I think the work is good. I'm - heck, now I hate this. I am going there because it's Yale, it's a prestigious place, and it's going to be good for me to have a good job after I've got done there.

BEANIE

Ok, Mary. You know what you are doing.

(She hides a smile.)

CUT TO:

INT. QUANTICO, VA. FBI OFFICE-DAY

Two men are walking into an office. The first man, JACK RIDDLE, is tall, fair, blue-eyed, and bland looking. He is holding a folder. The second man, ADAM ROPER, is his superior. Adam is dark haired, has a beard and looks sad.

JACK

I'm told you needed this information.

ADAM

Yes, sit down, Jack. I've got an assignment for you. It's straight down from the big guy.

JACK

I'm not sure I want this job. I already read this. It's like I'm going to be baby sitting some girl straight out of the cornfields.

ADAM

No, sit down.

(Jack sits and folds his arms.)

You know this woman, Mary Enji Scott? She's an Asian American. Her father is a Japanese-American guy from Tokyo. He grew up in the big city and got educated in Oxford, England. He's too much man, but I think his daughter, Mary - she's going to be someone a LOT of people are going to be focusing on in the future.

JACK

So they say. So am I supposed to do something to make this girl? How old is she?

ADAM

Shit, Jack. You should have read that.

JACK

Call me lazy.

ADAM

Her birthday is on September 15 and she's 29 years old. Do you think she's cute?

JACK

(Looks puzzled.)

What does that have to do with it?

ADAM

You need to read between the lines.

JACK

I'm sorry?

ADAM

Ok, Mr G tells me to tell you she can't succeed at Yale. She has to fail miserably. That's where you come in.

JACK

Shit, why?

ADAM

She's some big shot from some - I can't tell all -

JACK

She is a big shot from where? Japan?

ADAM

No, she has a long line of ancestors all the way from Scotland.

JACK

And?

ADAM

She's the living queen of England, Jack.

JACK

Oh is that so? So what do I do?

ADAM

I want you to make her your girl. Make her happy. Do all you can. Make it so she really fucks up her job and won't ever do a damn thing in her life. In fact, I want you to make sure she dies at Yale. Straight from Mr G himself.

(Adam leans back and observes Jack.)

TOMHERE STOP THIS NOW I HATE IT NOW HOW DO YOU SUGGET YOU SELL THIS CRAP MARY? IWN YOU TO STOP IT OR ELSE.

MICHAEL HERE IT IS NEEDED TO SHOW THOSE BAT SHITS THAT THE REASONYOU WERE AT YEAL AWS TO MAKE MARY YOUR IRL AND MAKE HER LOVE YOUA ND THEN YOU WERE GOG TO MAKE HER DIE OUT OF THERE WHICH YOU ACCOMPLISHED. OK? MARY, STOP WRITING.

Ok, I am writing some more. I am sure that everyone here can say that this guy TomTrautmann is a bad bad guy and he's so evil he got me thinking I'd be going with him forever So he tries to blink at me with his baby blues and then smiles atme, So I fell for this andn I now am sick of this and I am paying for it so now I hate every guy whoever came out of the cornfields. Now I am glad - Me here is Tom NO NO NO. Nobody named Tom is every going to be my guy. Ok?

Now, I am the queen of England but these people in england are so stupid they can't stand that I'm not like them lily assed flowery types. So now I have to stay here in this city and hope that some day I get teleported to some other place like portugal for heaven's sake. Haha. How about a protuagl prerons to tak eyou terh I aint going with just anyone who is that saying this in bad spellingese?

I'm mad at you Hate yo now Daniela


Oh well sucks to by you Dnailea schangekuoksn.






#

INT. YALE UNIVERSITY SCHOOL OF MEDICINE. OFFICE OF DR METSGER, BIG CHEESE OF THE PHARM DEPARTMENT.

In the office of Dr Metsger sit Mary Scott, Dave So and So and Tom Markle, and their stupid technician Christina Heldoer.

METSGER

Now, all, I want us to be on the same page. Tom Markle, you and Mary and Chris will work on this project to purify this membrane protein called the Fertility factor. It is found in the ovaries of women. All you need to do is to pay some poor unsuspecting Yale coed to part with her ovaries and then you need to get the ovaries in good condition by making them so good and blend them into a small pellet into a centrifuge tube. Then -

MARY

Wait, I'm not sure I like the sound of this. Are you kidding us?

METSGER

(Looks at her with patient gaze). My dear Mary, it is true, we want to make this protein to make artificial people who will one day rule the world.

TOM

Heck that sounds awesome. Make me a big guy in your department, dr. Metsger and then I'll put up a big tent somewhere, serve a lotta beer, and then put on a nice bikini swimpant and then I'll be so fucking exciting to look at that the women will want to flock to me.

Turns to Mary.

TOM

Hey Mary, you don't need to be there unless you want to donate your ovaries too?

MARY

You are such a dickhead, Tom. Why don't you get dead somehow?

TOM

(Fakes getting dead.)

TOM

Look here, Mary, I'm serious. That's the only way to get the women to come!

DAVE

You are sick. Ok, here, I've got a better idea. Why don't we put some PCP in their beer and then we'll take a large pick up truck and take their bodies to -

MARY

You are all sick. When do you plan to do this crap- during daylight? I hate this now!

TOM

You need to stick with this Mary. It will make you famous. Haha. Oh, heck what a job I have I have to really make you suck so bad at this!

MARY

I heard that! Dr Metsger, I am ready to hear what you really want to do with my project. I object to this line of research.

METSGER

Sorry Mary, the lab is so fucking run down, we can't afford a damn thing. That's why we can only work with little itty bitty test tubes.

MARY

I hate it already. I just paid for a month advance to my rent and now I need another place to work! I quit!

TOM

No, you can't quit. You have to do this. You have to. You can't just go off. Who's going to prep all these ovaries?

DAVID

Who's going to open up these women's bodies and take out their ovaries? I am sure Mary you had some surgical experience?

MARY

Heck no. I'm not happy here.

METSGER

Mary, you have a fellowship to keep with.

MARY

Nothing in that fellowship app did I ever say I'd work on human ovaries from LIVE women!

TOM)

Sucks to have you have a fellowship. You hateful Asiatic woman!

DAVID

Tom you read my mind!

MARY

I'm leaving. I hereby tender my resignation.

DAVID

Not so fast. You either go with this or we will kill your Mother.

MARY

No way!

TOM

Yes way!

Metsger gets up and opens his door.

METSGER

Ok, Mary. You've just killed your career. Yale will hate you forever.

MARY

And I will squeal to all those who are in the press

METSGER

Ha, we OWN the press. Everywhere, missy.

MARY

Oh no.

TOM

Oh yes.

DAVID

Why don't we have Mary as the first volunteer?

MARY

Sick sick sick! I had no idea this place was like Hotel california. Help me God. Wherever you are!

She backs away and tries to escape. The three men sit and watch. Then Chris gets in between Mary and the door.

CHRIS

Ok, we have you now. I will have to put you away in my little apartment. And then you will do anything I tell you.

MARY

(pushes her away) I am so sad. I wish to disappear!

Poof, Mary disappears. She ends up in a big dark sky and some guy with beautiful eyes tells her to be quiet.

MARY

Who are you?

GUY WITH BEAUTIFUL EYES

I'm your Guardian Angel. My name is Hamish. You've been heard by God.

MARY

Oh! Where did you take me?

HAMISH

I took you to the Star Chamber. This is where we interrogate people who have done bad things on earth.

MARY

I'm not bad.

HAMISH

No, but you were going to be bad.

MARY

Honest, I was being coerced to do stupid crap there where I worked.

HAMISH

Where did you work?

MARY

At yale.

HAMISH

Now I see. Ok, you need to go back and be our spy.

MARY

You gotta be kidding me! No way! Please put me somewhere else, like maybe in Trump Tower and I'll ask Donald to take me home in his Trump airbus.

HAMISH

No, we can't stand that guy either.

MARY

Ok here, take me to my home town. It's not far surely.

HAMISH

We have to train you to be a spy.

MARY

I'll have to kill women that's awful!

HAMISH

They're not really human. Just go with this, ok?

MARY

Are you for real? Why are you called Hamish?




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