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Rated: E · Poetry · Psychology · #2187530
Self discovery of the meaning of my activities.
It wasn't the braiding itself that I wanted to get back into
~ - ~ it was my subconscious trying to gently reach me ~ - ~
Saying I seriously needed to mend the old wounds

But that wasn't enough
Then an urge for something rougher

Which is why I got into learning wood burning
~ - ~ the hurt under the surface still was not seen or heard ~ - ~
A hot dormant spark trying to physically burn it away

But it didn't take
My spirit gave up

Which is why I tried to build a telescope from an old TV
~ - ~ an unknown desire to see distant deeper things ~ - ~
But still, I didn't realize it was inward not out I needed to see

But I lost interest
Still, I couldn't feel the blisters

Then came the words from the only thing making sense
~ - ~ writing away the crying pain, trying to straighten the bent ~ - ~
Then I began to mend, and the cage in my dreams I am no longer kept

First about a thought of wrong
Buried deep in my emotional pond

It started with a tribute to Shell Silverstein
~ - ~ a child's hero about giving and loving unconditionally ~ - ~
A Jewish man who never mentions what faith we should believe

Then about my own insecurities
My deepest Aquarian weakness

Unconditioning myself from my fear of public tears, showing vulnerability
~ - ~ but I cannot change this in our society if I do not face it in myself ~ - ~
Our society shames us for this ~ I aim to write it from my own life experience

I learned this from Gandhi
And my dear mother

And so came my spirits cry, trying to again feel the joyful pains of life
~ - ~ and the words unfolded to create "Tears of insecurities" ~ - ~
Allowing myself to cry even more ~ releasing the hurt, the shame... the confusion

Freeing of a horrid self-blame
Though forever changed

I have written more about it since then, but this was the big breakthrough
~ - ~ admitting and forgiving myself of a guilty moment with a girl ~ - ~
Although no harm was done, it ripped my mental state buried deeply away

My drinking sadly increased, into more wine and liquor I had reached
~ - ~ but my home life is now kept booze free since last September ~ - ~
Now just a handful of crafts a month, and a haiku I wrote to remember

Though my nights have been dark
This spiritual shift has grown my soul so very far

We have to let go of the past, no matter how bad it might have been
~ - ~ forgiveness and deep self-love are divine emotional tools ~ - ~
To move forward one day at a time - I am doing better every day since

I have written more about this in my personal journal
~ - ~ another poem that is metaphorically mentioned just above ~ - ~
And so below had a miraculous effect ~ my written words to teach self-love

Then came flight, from a caged mind

A couple of nights after writing 'A Cracked Light in a Cold Dark Cave', I had a dream that I was suddenly in some kind of prison. I think it was shaped a bit like a stadium; I'm not sure yet what that part means. But I took off ~ soaring ~ rising ~ rising ~ like a giant butterfly... rising ~ rising ~ flapping its wings furiously... I kept rising ~ rising ~ knowing I could finally rise to the freedom of the blue skies... rising ~ rising... and the fences were SOOOO high; must've been five hundred feet; with dozens of guard towers. And I remember thinking... what kind of bad would a person have to be, to be put in a place like this? So deep; yet at ground level - in view of everything. Trapped; in the middle of all society - yet existing as practically nothing. Bleeding time - scrolling through memories of rejection; a blunt ball in a cage - harmless to all in every way.

Namaste ~ Yogi Bear the Aquarian
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