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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2189642
by TJ
Rated: 13+ · Short Story · Comedy · #2189642
An old grandad talks wood with a coyote in the woods
Written for the Dialogue 500 prompt: You're like Dolittle, you can talk to animals.

"UH-OH! ULP! Umm .. Fancy meeting you here!"


"You a coyote?"

"That's what they tell me, bud."

"Yer um, not gonna bite me or nothin', are ya?"

"I dunno yet. Depends, I guess."

"Depends? On what?"

"On what Alpha says."


"Yeah, Alpha. He's the Big Boss Coyote. What he says, goes! Right now, he's back at the den, Chairin' an important Union Meeting. But if I need him for anything, all I gotta do is go, ahhhh-wooooooooo. Just like that, only LOUDER! Then him an' the boys'll come a'runnin'! Be here in two seconds, FLAT! An' THAT'S when you find out if yer're gonna get BIT!"

"Hey lookit, pal .. I don't want no trouble, eh? I was just .."

"So umm .. what's an old geezer like yerself doin' wanderin' around in our woods anyway? So close to after-hours, I mean?"

"I s'pose I'm a little lost, is all."

"Ayep. I'll say ya are! Ya know, youse two-legged types are s'posed to keep to the trails. Kinda like what them signs TELL ya to do! Whatsa matter, old-timer? Can't you READ?"

"Umm .. y-yessir, yessir .. I can read! I swear I n-never meant to wander off the trail. At least, not very far anyways. Ya see, I umm .. thought I spotted a real nice piece o' wood .. "

"Wood? .. Did you just actually say, WOOD?"

"Yessir. Well um, I can explain. Ya see, I like to collect unusual-looking ch-chunks o' bark an' stuff. You know, for the garden."

"Garden, you say? Ya mean like, with pretty little flowers?"

"Yeah well, it's mostly for the missus .. to keep her happy. You know how it is."

"Oh boy, DO I? So anyways, go on with yer story. Tell me more about the WOOD .. "

"Okay. Well sir, I spotted me this chunk o' wood that looked um .. k-kinda like a p-pussy cat .. "

"Alright, alright .. hold it right there! Are you tellin' me you taut you taw a puddy tat?"

"Well actually, um .. yes. Heh, heh .. ya know, that's very funny!"

"Thanks. Ya know I EAT puddy tats, eh?"

"Y-Yessir .. yessir, I do."

"An' cute little bunny rabbits. An' them yappy little ankle-biter puppy dogs .. "

"Well .. I understand that. I mean, ya g-gotta eat too, eh?"

"Hey, what can I tell ya? It's in my DNA."

"Yebbut, what about me?"

"Aw, take it easy, Grandpa. I was just rubbin' yer rhubarb is all. Coyotes don't eat people. For one thing, we don't like the way ya smell! No offense, eh?"

"Oh hey, none taken."

"Matter o' fact, I've decided I'm gonna cut ya a break, an' show ya the way outa here."

"Oh PHEW! Thanks, eh?"

"Don't mention it. Now, did ya find yer piece o' puddy tat wood?"

"Yes, thanks. It's in this here Wal-Mart bag."

"Okay, good. Now, if ya look up yonder about twenny feet or so, there's a sign that says, STAY ON THE TRAIL!"

"Ohhhh, yeah! .. I see it now!"

"Good! .. That's yer TRAIL! .. NOW GET THE HELL OUTA MY WOODS!"

(499 WORDS)
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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2189642