Exploring and Self Learning
|Sometimes I think about the classifications and what should go where for me. No I'm not talking about basic needs like food, oxygen or water. The needs I reference have more to do with my soul and my heart.
I used to think I needed a partner to be fulfilled or at my best. While it is true I could climb higher as part of a unit or couple, I don't need someone beside me to be happy. I am easily amused and can enjoy life to the fullest on my own.
I used to believe I needed a connection to play and most assuredly for more. I am realizing it's more a desire for me now. I desire the chemistry but I don't need the intense commitment.
I am learning and possibly evolving as I get older and explore on my own. I have always been a giver and tried to be kind and loving in my interactions. Yet I have held myself back and denied anyone from getting close to me by allowing touch. I have lost some good play partners and friends in the past to this.
I am starting to learn how to take and let the people close to me give back and I want more. It feels good to give pleasure to others and I love watching someone come alive under my hands and touch.
I am finding it is even better to take and receive. I am learning how to open myself up to this. I want more. I want new senses and experiences. I have valued love over everything and have set aside my life in the pursuit of it. It has driven me relentlessly as I looked for her.
I have forgotten about touch, and how important it is to me. Touch fills my cup and steadies my being. I have been missing it and missing out while I closed myself off and looked for her.
Monday I was reminded of it's importance to me. I lowered some barriers and allowed some touch to myself. There was no requirements of love, no measurement of predetermined chemistry. I was comfortable with friends and that was enough.
I came away feeling rejuvenated, complete and happy. My friendship with the person's involved is stronger for the time spent. Coincidentally (and as expected) it has left me with a desire for more. I came away from the experience looking forward to the next occasion that I can feel once again.
To my friends, I am thankful. I am normally the nurturing one and the rock. I enjoyed my experience and am ready to open myself once more. I think I will put love and "needs" on the shelf for a time and focus on wants and desires for a little bit.
Now don't you all swarm me at once (laughing here..) but do know I am open and want to give and take a little more then I have before.