Self reflection and learning of a middle aged man..
|Hammering and polishing and sometimes tearing it all apart and starting over. I am a project and product of my learning and experiences. I fuck up and pay the piper and sometimes, I start over. Little things are celebrated and revered, but they also can cause things to come crashing down at times.
Life is a wipe board for me. I fill it up with important beliefs and concepts as well as silly things that over time amount to nothing. These I chide myself over and tend to erase. It's a big board with lots of space and for the most part it's not very ordered.
Some things are written with a sharpie. Those are permanent and part of my core. They have continued to stand the test of time and are ingrained in me. I can not erase them as to do so would bring me harm.
I try to do good, but what is the meaning of good. It changes from day to day and person to person. It's about perspective and for me at least comes down to intention. Back to my chosen name again. Perspective indeed.
Everyone has "wicked" thoughts, we are selfish by nature. I am no exception to this wide sweeping generalization. Greed and the pursuit of pleasure balanced and intertwined with my desire not to hurt anyone, or rather damage anyone.
Its a fine line I delicately balance on. Best outcome for myself at the expense of the least number of people or at the very least the outcome of someone I care about. Yes that's being selfish, or perhaps being human.
I approach my fiftieth year this summer. I look at what I accomplished and what I have and I am not content. True there is some goodness on the left side of the scale. Things to puff out my chest at and be proud of. But there is so much lacking.
I am not there yet. I am not a finished product, and perhaps I never will be. I am content with most of the categories in life. Health, money and friendship. Love I have decided to put on a back burner for now.
There is still something missing. Companionship perhaps, I see couples holding hands and I miss it. I like that half second smile with someone where you know she and I are thinking the same thing.
Is that companionship or love? I'm not really sure. I know there would be an intimate familiarity with the person. I have a few friends I am close to. One is very close though we drive each other crazy as it seems I ebb when she flows and vice versa.
There's more to it though. I think I am nesting. I told her yesterday I wanted to grow a garden. I want to grow tomatoes for her and I don't even like eating them.
I felt that way with gg often. I told her I wanted to plant blueberry bushes and bring her fresh ripened ones. It's a sense of accomplishment and caring towards someone you value. Little things that value time over money that are so very intimate.
Maybe It's just the spring. I hear the lake and upstate calling me. I want to explore again and get out on the Appalachian Trail. I want to see waterfalls and not see another soul for hours in the woods.
I miss that peace and special part of me. I was able to disappear for the day and come back with a full cup and not one care in the world. But it keeps coming back to companionship.
I want someone beside me to share experiences with. It's more fun when you see a waterfall when someone is beside you. The shrill shriek of the hawk or call of a Kingfisher is a delight to hear when you can tell another what it is.
I miss those days. I need to keep working on myself. Make sure what I am putting out there is the best finished product of me that is available at this moment. Like attracts like, if you're crap it's all you will attract.
"You're known by the company you keep." I grew up with that one, and still believe in it today. I want to surround myself with just a few quality people. I haven't let many in. They see mostly a carefree person and for the most part it's true.
I just need to wrap my head around the missing piece or two. Figure it out or set it off to the side and not think about it. Perhaps just enjoy and live and revisit it all in 2020. There's still time left to figure it all out later...