Sometimes an angel comes into our lives and can only stay a little while. 8 years later.
|I checked on you today, I think it will be the last time. We spoke for a while and you're happy. I haven't been my fun loving self with you in a while. My tone is serious and our conversations have been about light subjects. Neither of us wanted to broach a subject that needed to come up.
It changed today. I was more detailed, I had to know you're fine and I needed to back away. I told you I typically don't stay close with an ex as it hurts to much. A smart lady once told me a river can't run backwards. She's right of course.
I can't go from lover to just an acquaintance or friend. I'm not wired that way. When the fire is out it's out and it's time to move on. You're happy and okay and it's time to let go.
It's not what she wants she explains. I think part of that statement is correct. On some level she wants to hold on and cling to me. I can't be that support or rock anymore. It damages me. I know she can't move on with her life either with me there. I'm not part of it anymore.
There were no tears today, I'm not sure there's any left. There was a quiver in my voice and perhaps it wasn't as strong. It hurts to move on, but both of us are ready.
I have held myself back from others out of loyalty. Loyalty to her. I have dropped walls around my heart and refused to let kind souls in. They have been patient with me, most of them anyway.
I don't blame the ones who walked on without me. I wasn't ready to move away with them. I kept glancing over my shoulder trying to make sure. I'm not sure if I was looking to her interests or my own. Being selfish comes naturally when you're hurting.
As long as there was a flicker or spark, there was hope. So we would talk and reminisce and laugh. My old heart and hers would beat a little faster and we would look wistfully at the calendar.
An invitation was extended to meet in June and was declined. You can't have your cake and eat it too. That would cheapen me and cheapen what was shared.
Thankfully you understood and didn't push or test my will power. It was hard to say no.
I glance back and the last ember is out. I won't be reaching out any more. It's where you belong. A selfless person doesn't try for his own happiness at the expense of someone else's. I can't do that and still claim to care. You need this.
So I will walk away. I take solace in your happiness and look to my own now. I know there will be some baggage from what we shared. I will leave as much as I can back at the old fire where it belongs. I'll try and take the laughter and happiness with me and a whole lot of memories.
Trust can be learned again with another. It takes consistency of words and actions over time. I'm open to look for these elements again with another. I've learned and healed. I'm getting stronger again.
Fate can be bitter cruel. It can devour dreams, eat up time and life. But it can also provide hope. There are so many good people out there crossing my path on a daily basis.
I need to open myself and be receptive to walking with them. I've remained in this place to long and need to move on.