There can be no reasoning or argument with death. Ultimately there is only acceptance.
I was prepared for death
..... just .....
THERE IS NO TRUTH - THERE IS ONLY DEATH
Life is such a wonderful thing. It is a miracle. It is an adventure, to say the least. And yet, it is so fragile and tenuous, that it is sometimes amazing that we are able to exist at all. But there can be no life without the spectre of Death as well. It is not a welcome visitor by any means, and yet, the visit is both inevitable and fundamental to any and all that experience this thing we call life. Mankind does not hold a monopoly on death. It is part and parcel of the cycle of life, with all of US, from man to the most fundamental bacteria, sharing in the wonder of life, and the destiny that awaits all life, the inescapable reality of Death. He is truly unbiased. He receives all, irrespective of gender or religion, or even species. The only requirement is life itself. Many of us live in the fear and anticipation of Death, but I do not believe that it is an entity that comes looking for you. This may certainly be a false assumption on my part but it would be nice to believe that it simply waits, eternally, for those that need a guide to the next level, and I have no idea what form that level may be. I have put much thought and time into the concept, and it remains what it was as I began the question. It is inevitable. It is coming for all of us, eventually. It cannot be denied. There is nothing that I, or you, will be able to do about it. It is a part of Life. It is Death!
'The Trouble is ...
you think you have time'
~ Buddha ~
Each day we exist is much the same as another. Until that day that your world is shattered, and your reality is changed forever. Death visits and someone you love leaves your existence. Forever. Non-negotiable. There is nothing you can do. You feel helpless and impotent. You feel lost and completely unable to function. The void that explodes into your life is confusing and frustrating, inexplicable and unbearable. At times, we have some fore warning as to the event, and sometimes we are able to ' cheat ' death, through medical intervention or chance, but it can never be anything more than a stay, and the inevitability will reassert itself at some point in the future, be it a matter of seconds, or at a time beyond the horizon. Sometimes it can be an expected, and even welcomed event, as an exclamation point to a full life that has simply reached the end of its story, or a merciful end to a life plagued with pain and suffering. While these are no less painful for those that remain to live on memories, it is the lives lost for little or no reason, or those that are taken before enjoying the ability to live life, much less understand the concept of existence, that bring the most emotional and intellectual devastation to our own, already fragile, realities.
'I regret only
that our paths are no longer one
that we will not share the uncertainty
as you take your next steps, into the unknown
You are my very soul
and will remain so
Forever and a day
until we meet once again'
~ ki ~
The feeling of loss can be more than you ever imagined. You often take love for granted. You embrace the warm feeling, and somewhere deep inside you expect that it will always be there, and it will last forever. At least it feels that way. And then it is wrenched out of your grasp, never to be returned. The love may never die, and yet it will never be the same. It cannot be. Something has changed, and can never be restored to what it once was. Life changes all the time, but nothing can manipulate our personal universe with the impact and finality that Death has the ability to minister. There is no compromise. There can be no concessions. There is no justice. There is no judgment. There is only Death. And it is final.
Life goes on. It is rather trite and cliché, and yet true nonetheless. What alternative do we possess? What can we do, if anything? We can totally go to pieces for one. And many times we do. It is a curious thing. Mankind is such an inexorable force, and yet in the blink of an eye, we can be brought to the brink of the abyss, and sometimes beyond it, by the loss of someone we have connected with on a level that other life has not experienced. We can become helpless and extremely vulnerable, both physically and mentally. For all intents and purpose, we can become non-functional, irrational and even dangerous.
The mind is a wonderful tool. But like all tools, with benefits come liabilities. The ability to think in concepts allows great achievement. Philosophy allows us to create that which has never existed before. It allows us to manipulate our physical environment. And our psychological reality as well, sometimes in a positive way but also, unfortunately, at times we construct dangerous and destructive mental environments that promote our fears, our insecurities, and our weaknesses. And our griefs. I have talked about that place we live that is called ' alone '. We go there to deal with our issues when they confront us. In the end, there is no one that can do it for us. We are given the task to resolve issues, and hopefully to learn from them, and eventually move on with our next steps along our own particular paths.
'Death is the entrance
To the tomorrow that will never come'
~ ki ~
Even during the darkest days we will ever experience, we need to try, as difficult as it may be, to bring just a little bit of objectivity into our confrontation with the reality of Death. It illustrates the importance of the creation and development of a philosophy BEFORE such an event, so your instinct and your values can help as much as possible when you are engaged in struggle, to react in such a way that requires as little thought as possible, for the simple reason that the decisions have already been resolved, and need but to be implemented to aid you in combatting what lies before you.
You are adrift in a sea of emotion. It is much too difficult to think. It is much too difficult to NOT feel. But at some point, it is necessary to think of something else. Something really important. What of the love you have lost? I don't mean you. I don't mean the feelings of love that YOU have lost. I mean the person that has been lost. The essence. Their soul. At some point, you need to think of them, and not yourself.
That is the time that healing can begin. It is a time, once again, to ask your friend, your philosophy, to help you through an ordeal, to help you understand, and to help you create something positive out of the ashes of utter devastation. It is the time that all of your beliefs, that took all that time and effort over the years, to be brought into play to help make some kind of convoluted sense out of an unimaginable event. There is not much information available to us about what happens after Death, but our philosophies allow us to contemplate the options, to try and make sense out of little or nothing.
We come up with theories. What we THINK may happen. What we WANT to happen. What MAY happen. But the sad fact is that we do NOT know. Many people turn to faith. I am not one that has much faith in faith. My Bad. And yet I do have to acknowledge and accept that my philosophy is in many ways just another form of faith. Faith in thought. Faith in self. I am not particularly comfortable with that little nugget of reality, and yet it is difficult to dispute. There is a fine line between philosophy and faith, and in many ways, they can overlap. The differences are for another day, another discussion.
Where is that loving soul that I have lost? Where does she now reside? Is that all there is? Is there nothing more? Is the only thing left simply a memory that already is retreating into the mists of time? I refuse to accept that. It would be so tragic. It would be so senseless. There must be something more. And so, I choose to believe that there is something more, accepting the sad fact that I will personally never be able to defend such a position with fact, but only reason, and thought. And an argument could be made that I do not even possess that.
So where is she now? The DisneyCloud? HeavenWorld? I do not tend to think of things in those terms. I like to think of existence in levels or stages. I believe in a Path forward. Has she taken but another step on an already well-worn path? Or possible started another new one, with the old one tucked away somewhere in history. Or has she come to the end of the Path itself, and whatever awaits her there? They all bring me some solace. She has no more pain. No more discomfort. No confusion. I have to believe that is so, or I cannot bear another second of life myself. If she has started a new journey, will she remember me? At least the soul?
Can we ever meet again? I wish and I hope but it doesn't really matter. I still love, and I have the memories, a treasure of memories. They may fade with time, but I can assure you, they will never disappear. When you love, the path to love may require conditions, but once you find love, it is all-consuming and truly unconditional. There is but one objective in love. The well-being of another. Peace. Contentment. Happiness.
My wish for her to remember me is a selfish thought. I plead guilty. But if she cannot it is irrelevant. She already has my mind, my heart, and my soul. Even if she cannot remember, she will always also have my life, for the asking, without thought or consideration. A gift freely given. Although you cannot give that which is no longer your own. All of these things are already hers. I do not expect them back. I do not want them back. They remain a connection to her, wherever and whenever she now resides.
If you don’t like your own reality, create a new one. I will continue to live in my own reality, where these things exist, and she is healthy and happy, and possibly thinking of me. I wish for no other reality, and will not accept one. I cannot prove this reality, and none can disprove it as well. My philosophy supports me in this, and that is all I can ever hope for, now or in the future. She is waiting, and we will meet again. I will love her forever, Forever And A Day.
' Life exists but for a moment
Death recognizes no time
~ ki ~
The duration of our lives, as a matter of Time, plays out in the blink of an eye. If you are not paying attention, you can miss it. It is over almost as soon as it has begun. So try not to miss it. There are so many that have come before and so many more that will come to be, that it puts something of an exclamation point to the reality of our insignificance. Except that my life is NOT insignificant to me, and to possibly a few others, but with time we all will fade into the mists of time and become . . . what? Not even a memory.
Except to a very few who themselves are or will be lost in time as well. As you read this, thousands of people will have died. Not one or two, but thousands. Every second of every day someone dies on this great big blue marble speeding through infinity. Two actually. I do not even want to think about it. All the carnage. The death. All of those left behind, to deal with the residual loss, the pain, the grief. To try and come to terms with that which comes to all.
It has been a week since I lost my one, my only, my love. To think millions of other souls have left this existence as well during that short period of time is a difficult concept to get my mind, as well as my philosophy, to understand and to accept. I try to understand, but it is truly incomprehensible. I want to experience empathy for the ones that are left to live their lives without a loved one but I can't. I am deathly afraid that the feelings would destroy my very essence, and my soul, with the knowledge of all the lives lost, the loves disrupted, the souls sent on their ways to . . . . I wish I knew where. I find no solace in the knowing that others experience what I feel. It only makes it worse, not better. I am lost. I am searching to find my way back upon my path. There is nothing and no one that can do it for me, this I know. I am once again alone.
So it is a step backward for me today. Time will tell if I can find my way once more. But right now it is so hard, and I am so tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of life, and super tired of reality. Emotion, for me, is a somewhat controlled chaos most of the time. When control is lost, there is a certain hopelessness and feeling of impotence. And guilt. Guilt has not left my side during all of this and has not been a help. But learning never takes a holiday, even during times like these. It has shown me the power of emotion, which I did know of before, but now with a new perspective and confirmation, that emotion should never be allowed to dictate thought and action.
The mind, and reason, need to control direction for any chance of success with my goals and expectations of a philosophy and a life of integrity and wisdom. You cannot walk the path when you are psychologically lying on the ground in a tight fetal position. Emotion makes us take actions without thought, and without regard for consequences. It allows us to love, and yet opens the gates of hate as well.
Are there any positives to be taken away from the experience of Death? There are many, but maybe not right away. Not Today, just yet. Those two deaths every second? They are being replaced by life, and it is an inexorable process. Each second, there are almost five new souls popping into existence. It is amazing. I don't know who is putting out all these new souls, but he deserves a raise. Life truly does go on.
Thoughts of potential, and expectations for nothing in life but good things. The hope for love. Death takes a back seat for most of these new arrivals, but not all. He is always around to remind us of the inevitable. But for most, a time to rejoice and celebrate. The new mind is awash in wonder at their existence, attempting to take in all the new sensations, the new information. The new heart is full of love, and its wants and needs. And the new soul, already ageless, resolutely is preparing to help find direction and purpose for a new individual. We need to get them on the path as soon as possible. It's a long day ahead of us, and there is much to do. A souls' work is never done, and when I say never, in this case, we really mean it. Forever.
Where is thy sting?
Quoth the raven:
For you my lady Luna?
~ ki ~
The grief shall be eternal. It is here to stay. It will never go away. The pain, too, will never disappear. It will endure, as we do, to live another day. We will bury the experience behind walls of protection in that place we call ' Alone '. To be replayed when the heart wishes, the mind needs, or the soul calls upon it for a teaching moment. It will be placed there as a treasure. A horrible and wondrous treasure. A testament to a love lived, and a love lost.
The deeper the scar inflicted on your soul reflects only the level of love, freely given. Would I erase the experience of the love to negate the immediacy of the horrendous pain I feel today? Not on your life. And not on mine. Not a second lost in coming to that conclusion. I would offer my life for a second of holding her in my arms once again. The joy of loving has no competition, even the agony of death.
If I have the opportunity to love again, even with the flood of reality that exists today, I will welcome the chance to do so. With open arms, I will again attempt to embrace life and take that next step upon my path, full of the knowledge that I have loved, and been loved. It is a truly wonderful experience, even if. It is what man was destined to do. To do what is right and what is good. It is a tragedy that we do not love more. More often. More openly. More fully. With open eyes and open hearts. Open minds and as always, an open soul, fearlessly vulnerable and completely optimistic for the future that awaits us all.
Goodbye my Love. You will always be my little sweetness.