Letters to chelsea pge3
I can't believe how stupid I am. I litterally had a chance to just hang out with you and play a game for fun and the entire time I felt insecure, should I talk to her or does she want to be left alone? My logic was that you wanted to be left alone, becuase last time I didnt give you space. You said you were looking for someone to quest with and I wanted to ask you if you wanted to quest with me. I felt uncertain. Just as I was about to ask "So how you liking WoW classic" and after that "You want to go questing when u hit level 12 since we both will be in Durator?" It went from Green Online, to grey unknown... Maybe you just logged out cause u finished the first 6 levels which is ussually the starting zone, maybe you were waiting for me to ask you if you wanted to quest with me, maybe you wanted to talk to me, maybe you wanted me to leave you alone? I don't know. I would like to think you wanted to just casually go questing with me but it's so hard to be certain and not push you away and ruin everything. Tbh, I love WoW but my intrenst has drastically changed in the last month....
I'm so anxious to improve my life, and I mean that doesnt mean I can't play during down time, but I love you and the way I am acting from that, I feel pushes you away. I don't want to. I might have already f-d this up as well. Will I log on to find your gamertag green or will it permenatly be grey now that you might feel like I was ignoring you, which defintly wasnt the case, I just don't know. I'm so fucking hopeless, I am so broken, How can I ever expect someone to love me when I dont even love myself? I really wish I could stop being this weak, self-defeating, emotinal mess. I feel so insecure. I can't stop loving you. Even if I tried to lie to myself and say I don't and "move on" all that would be left it this utter sadness... Theres only way and that is foward, but its so slow that I fear you will have moved on before I can "get better" and espially "become a good person"... Yet even than, even knowing that failure to be my everything for you in the time limit, I don't want to give up improving myself and becoming a better person... Even feeling this absolutly painful feelings of deppression, loniness, and worthlessness, I can't stop feeling love for you. Hopefully one day I will be good enough for you, hopefully one day I can be good enough to be yours. And I'm going to keep trying to do the right things, even if the fate of this story is tragic.
Tommorow I get my bike. I am going to start getting into riding it 3-4 times a week. I did pushups and situps at the esplande tonight. I wish you spoke more openly to me about how you trully feel, so I would be more certain and less insecure. But me being insecure and uncertain are my problems. I can't wait to get those damn meds, deppression has been my defualt condition for so long, I could be doing everything right and still feel deppressed. Becuase I am not with my soulmate and I am a "shit" person. At least I have alot of appointments this week and next week, and after that if I havent been able to find a decent paying job here in Cairns, I am going to the lumbermill. 60 hours a week at 1300 dollars after taxes. I am going to work my ass off, and get fit, and well... theres not really that much to do in that town, and hopefully I find a high enough paying job here in cairns like 600-1200 per week, becuase I am keen to do something that I know is heading me in the right direction. That is making big progress instead of all these tiny things that dont seem to amount to much.
I want to work and save up money again,
I want to get very fit again
I want to do lots of nature trails again,
I want to start practing martial arts again,
but not in a manner of aggressiveness or meanness but with the goal in mind to learn and stregthen myself to better protect the
people I love (but I also enjoy sparring),
I want to be more freindly with my freinds and learn to be better at socializing,
I want to go skydiving and get a solo skydiving qualifactions so I can skydive without having to have someone strapped to me.
I want to learn to use a DAW and make poetic and intrensting music even though I might not be that good at it.
And for me most importantly
I want to live with you and share alot of my life with you. and We trully love eachother. And we feel fully open, honest, trusting, respectful, sastified, stable, secure, and happy. And have a "perfect" relationship or as close as that can be... and be there for the ups and the downs to support, stregthen and provide any secruity whether emotional, physical, or finacial... instead of me currently being chaotic and weak and insecure.
I want this more than anything. And the road is so long, I fear I will lose you before I have completly found my way, that you will go on a boat and I will never hear or see from you again... and
I don't want to think about negativity,
I don't want to smoke tobbaco anymore,
I don't want to be lazy, weak, arrogant, self-centered, unstable
I don't want to masterbait (I still have been succueeding in this one from last time I commited)
I don't want to have this self-defeating mindset about myself, but instead be focused in the moment with truth.
I want to do more than I am currently doing. Becuase I know I can do more. I know I can stop being in this negative self-defeating mindset, and switch it to a hopeful postive, fun and loving mindset... I know I can. I need to stop defeating myself. I need to stop the things I know to be wrong, and do those things I know to be right. And live in that postive hopeful mindset. I've done it before, but than I doubted, and I stopped believing, and I lost hope, and than I told myself I don't care, and than I gave up....
So instead I will live in a postive hopeful, honest mindset, I will not doubt becuase I will do things that I know to be right and I will have faith that everything will work out in the end, and I will have hope for that somehow, I can be perfect for you, and I KNOW I care, I can't lie to myself and say I don't becuase saying it fills makes me feels so wrong and sad I stop myself and say, "Don't say that, that is a lie becuase you do care, and I know thats the truth becuase I do care. And I will keep moving foward and avoid the pitfuls that slowly sink myself into giving up, becuase I want true love more than I have ever wanted anything. And the feelings I have for you, it constantly reminds me of this. That someone so perfect for me has come into my life, and I have wasted away instead of thinking for the future and bettering myself, and now I desperatly try to improve and be a good person... and maybe its too late, but theres no going back. I can't and I won't.
I just woke up. Its 11:50am and I just realized... I haven't eaten anything for 3 days except for a McChicken sandwhich last night. I guess theres also the coffee I had. For some reason I have become senstive to caffiene, I think part of the reason why I am physcially hungry but not mentally hungry might be the caffiene and the tobbaco. They both suppress appetite. But when I spent 3 years smoking and consuming tons of caffeine I still ate.
I suppose I should just buy more food. Food that I would be willing to eat. Not the best food but not super healthy. Uncle Tobies Cereals maybe... As well as my normal food this month, meat, and vegetables with a little fruit. I just need food but its so hard. Even when I was hungry. Me and Daniel got some chicken curry from the woolworths, and I was starving, but I ate a few bites and we sat next to these music perfomers at Lake Street, and they all of the sudden decided to start singing sad love songs... And I just wasnt hungry anymore...
I reallly need to eat something. I'm physcallly shaky and tired from lack of food. espially becuase I'm driving my biycle today. Even a bucket of KFC chicken, a yummy burger or Sushi Roll, doesnt make me feel like I want to eat... those are my favirote fast foods.
I just need to buy something I feel like eating and start eating it... and hopefully I will scoff it down.
--- I was talking to some freinds today and they recon I should have asked you if you wanted to go questing with me. I wanted to ask you but I didnt know whether or not you wanted to.
I feel like such an idiot. Maybe you jumped on becuase you wanted to play WoW with me. But my mindset was that it was a coincidence that you were on the same server and you wanted me to leave you alone. So once I was sure it was you, I didnt ask you becuase I assume thats the way it is.
I wasnt trying to ignore you becuase I wanted to, I was trying to ignore you becuase I thought thats what you wanted... but maybe I was wrong? Either way I wish I just asked you straight up: Hey you want to quest together? I can meet up with you at Trisfal Glades... and than you might have said no, and at least I would know, or you might have said yes, and well... than I would have been anxious becuase I wouldnt know if I you wanted to chat while questing or if you just want to power level or w/e... I guess I missed that oppurtinity? I'ma make Morloc my undead mage and level him to 6, the level you got to before it went grey... Maybe you left the server? Maybe you actually jumped off becuase you were bored, or have someone better to play with... Idk. It's hard to enjoy WoW when all I can think about is how I probably messed up again. I don't really have anything better to do right now though so might as well play on my mage and maybe you will show up
After Morloc is level 6 ima level Barik to 6 as well, than Ima keep leveling Shesh to funnel gold for the other charchters. I love classic WoW and I would love to play with you, if you are ever on.
I feel like such a fucking idiot. Ughhh I try to play WoW becuase I love classic WoW but I miss you now but theres nothing to really do at night time, and now I fucked this up as well... I'm trying to remain postive.
I got my biycle and road from Stocklands to Machans. It was good.
I should have just asked... and I worry that I'm not going to see you in that game. That eihther you didnt want to play with me or that I offeneded you by ignoring you... I don't know. This fucking sucks. I had a chance again I blew it again... fucking why am I like thiiiss?? Why do I have to keep being so fucking stupid and sabotaging it with my fucking stupidty and self-defeating mindset. Goddd fucking dammnniit I hate how anti-social I am. I hate how I can't do anything fucking right. It feels like im destined to be alone forever. I can't even be freinds with someone I love, becuase my stupid fucking emotions get so intense and my mind just gets so stupid....
I mean today was good day. I spoke with some freinds, I actually had something to eat, I did some exersise. Tommorows going to be even better. And I'm trying to be postive about it, but it hard to be postive, when everything around me is so shit, when I am such a shit person. I got my first dental appointment and my workprovider and I are making more tailored resumes and getting them printed so I can start mass handing resumes out... So thats good... and I could have had you to hang out with in WoW and that would have made my day even better but nnoooooo.... I'm fucking austic dumb-fuck anti-social asshole who cant control his emotions and chases everything I ever want away becuase of how shit I am... I'm so fucking sick of it...Its making me angry at myself. Angry how shit I am. I want to do more, I know I can do more... I want to stop being such a shit person and its like 50 fucking problems all webbed into one and it feels so fucking complicated but I want to change all of it, and unfortunelty its not going to happen overnight
... I want it to, and maybe if "I believeeeee" it can happen faster. I know anti-deppressants will help me improve myself faster, so I don't feel the sick shadow of deppression clawing at me into the abyss. Thats the day after tommorow on Friday... So that will help alot. And than I have 2 1/2 days of no appointments and during the weekend I'm going to try to quit smoking again, this time not consume caffiene, and I'll probally going to feel braindead and scattered and I might feel emotionally intense and deppressed but I am not going to put up with giving in. I KNOW i can quit. And if I feel like giving in I'll ride my bike to red arrow and run that mother-fucker. I'm getting angry at this shit situation that is my life, and maybe a little anger is good to help motivate change. But I know that being calm is the best way. Ugghhh fuck my shitty existence, I am going to crawl out of this never ending shit-hole and hopefully once the anti-deppressants start kicking in and I don't feel like a piece of shit all the time I can start running to my goal instead of crawling around like a baby worm.
--- If I being completly honest with myself.... I'm over playing most video games... those that take a considerable time investment to play anyway... like Ark, Rust, WoW or other MMOs. I'm sick of these awesome virtual worlds that just distract me. I don't care if my exiestence is shit, I'd rather be in my shit existence improving in the real world than these worlds. They don't work on me anymore, becuase all I can think about is you, and how much I want to improve. I'm so focused on what I trully want I don't want to play these mindless stupid games to distract myself. Thats not to say I dont like gaming at all anymore... but I feel this urge to be outside, this urge to connect with real people, to work, to do EXICTING things like jumping out of planes, white water rafting, horse riding, fighting in tournaments. I mean I'm really good at chilling but I'm at this point in my life I've chilled for 3 years and I guess I need balance, exicting stuff and chill stuff not just wholey one... but I'm so over obbsessing in video games... they helped me ruin my life.
I saw you were online again. It's nice to know we get to play on the same server even though you want me to leave you alone. I sent you 5 messages. I just wanted to make sure you were ignoring me or had set me on ignore. I first asked if you wanted to go questing with me, but no answer. Than i said i was I was sorry for the way that I acted, that I didnt give you space and that I will leave you alone ingame. Seeing as you want space I will stop writing to you on the not-blocked facebook account. I'm a little disappointed and sad that I am ignored but at the same time I am content becuase I know what you want. You want me to leave you alone. So I will leave you alone, and maybe one day when I'm more stable we can quest or something but if not I will understand and respect your boundries. I won't stop loving you and improving my life though.
I can't stop loving you. Even if I wanted to. I know how to. I can start lieing to myself over and over that I dont care. I can betray my love for you and masterbait to porn. But I havent done either of the those things since I met you. I do care, and if I were to tell myself I don't care, it would fill me with this sadness and guilt becuase I know thats not true. I do love you. I want you to be happy. If that means me leaving you alone, I will do it with happiness becuase I want to give you what you want more than I want to fufill my own desires.
But I believe, you want me to become a better person. It's something I always wanted but I never had the motivation to. I would "fall in love" and be rejected and I would give up. But feeling rejected by you doesnt make me feel like I want to give up. This is the strongest love I have ever felt in my life, its in another league compared to everything before it. It's strong enough for me to change. It's strong enough for me to change, even though I might not ever have you as my partner.. But even that doesnt make me feel I will stop hoping for that. I love you more than poetic words can express. What I write to you is more real than the passionate poetic writings I've written to others. Becuase this love feels real in everyway. I know I can do things now. Its not this dreadful worry that I won't be able to make it. Sure it might take a long time, longer than the time limit of say a year. And I will most certainlty try my hardest to be someone you could love in a year. Someone I want to be. And maybe you could love him. Or maybe you won't.
But I know I am happy when I am expressing my love in change. Not that i'm doing this all for you... becuase there are other reasons, like me wanting to better, but i suppose it does play a factor. The happiness I felt falling in love with you and believing you loved me back. It was the happiest moment of my life. And sleep deprivation and caffeine didnt intensify it. Or maybe a little but I have "fallen in love" with others in the past sleep deprived and on caffiene and... they are to diffrent feelings. Maybe I've never trully fell in love before? I love everything about you. I've thought it over and compared you with the many people I have had feelings for in the past. I love everything about you.
And this love has, and is, going to continue to help me change myself. Becuase this love I feel for you its diffrent. It doesnt demand that you love me back or I will give up and stop loving you. I know that would be a lie to think like that. This love I feel for you, although causes me great sadness when I am lonely and missing you, it also makes me feel so happy when I am expressing it in doing things I know to be right. Even though I've been rejected twice now, It doesnt change how I feel about you. I feel so much love for you, that there is only one way to be, and that is doing what I know to be right. I love you so much. I love you more than the sadness and pain of rejection and lonelyness could weigh me down. I would marry you just so you could stay in the country, even if you didnt want anything to do with me and just wanted to use me to get citzenship acess, I would do that very happily. And that probally sounds a little messed up, but its the truth, I would do almost anything for you. Almost.... I wouldnt like... cut of my balls or some stupid shit like that. I feel behind all my insecruites I know you.
And maybe you blocked me again becuase you care. Becuase you saw I was becoming unstable again, and that you don't want me to be unstable. Eventually I'll be able to be around you and not feel so weak, and not become so unstable and insecure. But even if my fate is to be alone, and never have you with me, I still want to go through it. Becuase it brings me happiness, to express my love for you in a postive way, to change my life. And again your not the only reason but my love for you is the fuel, and its the biggest reason. I love you. I hope you love me back, or at least, I hope one day you can feel the same way I do for you, but even if it's a lonely fate, I still want to go through it. I love you.
--- I feel even through all this rejection, that you do love me. Or maybe just care about me. Maybe it's a lie I am telling myself? That you love me too. But I feel it and I don't see why I should tell myself it isn't true, if its not hurting anyone, and feeling that you love me too, is helping me. I believe you love me too. I know you want me to be a better, more good person. But as much as I logically show my heart that is not the incase, I don't want to stop feeling that. Becuase logically it IS the case that what you want whats BEST for me. Not what I want in the moment, but I feel like that. Maybe its wrong, but I don't believe it.
you need to work on fixing your mental health
u dont say? XD in 4 days im seeing someone
But i just went through extensive psycho-anaylist and they think i dont have any major disorders
well thats good
I only see one logical conclusion.
And by logical i dont just mean mentally logical but gut feeling as well
yep and whats the conclusion?
Its becuase I love you and I believe you love me too.
Thats what I wanted to say, but I made up something else. I didnt want to hear you say: I dont love you. I believe you love me and I was conflicted with that idea becuase the reality didnt match what I believed and it made me feel insecure and unstable. Maybe becuase you don't, but I won't believe that. And when that belief dies I will still love you and I will continue to move foward and do the right thing. But I would rather it not die, becuase although I think those feelings might only be deep down, I feel you love me to. And that feeling that I am in love you and you love me, is the greatest joy I have ever felt in my life.
It's morning, 6am and I feel like shit. I wake up and I'm tired. I want to sleep for another couple of hours. The doctor I see tommorow will finnally have the mental health notes and assessments, and he was talking about prescribing me an anti-deppressant that also helps with sleep. This would be helpful becuase last time I splet, I when I went to bed, I becuse I just said fuck it, I'm going to sleep till I'm not tired... And I did that and I felt much better throughout the day....But I can't really keep doing. I need to be able to have a good sleep routine, it's just fucked when my body is always adjusting to waking up at night. I should probabbly just stay awake now though until 10pm, I have had 6 hours so it's not THAT bad. Although I could just sleep for another 2 hours and I won't feel so... deppressed.
I'm sorry if my last letter seemed a little cocky or arrogant. Maybe it is not the right thing to do believe that you love me. I can love you but maybe believing you love me when you actually, in reality, don't, is a bad thing. I miss you right now. I'm sorry I acted so stupid after our encounter online that you are now ignoring me on WoW. I had a chance to be freinds with you, and spend some time playing a game we both love to play, and I lost my shit. If I had just left it at the WoW chat we had and asked if you wanted to quest with me, you might have said yes. But than I had to emotionally lose my shit again, and ruined that as well. It fucking sucks. I want to be able to treat you as a freind. I'd rather have you in my life as a freind than not at all. I know my behavior hasnt shown that, probabbly becuase I find it hard to just be a freind to someone I am in love with, espially someone I love as intensely as you. I hope you don't give up on me.
I think I'm going to force myself to stay awake. I mean I had good sleep the night before and I had 6 hours tonight so I don't think I'll be hearing voices or overlly paranoid from being a little sleep deprived. I hope you have a great day! I'm sorry for being such a selfish, emotion and unstable friend.
---I probably should have slept more. I felt like absolute shit. Went to go see my work provider becuase they were gonna help me, they just sat me on a computer and told me to work on my resume. Thought they were going to help me figure out how to make my shitty work history not look so bad... I feel so deppressed right now. I feel worthless. Becuase I am worthless. I feel so shit all I want to do right now is sleep and play WoW.
This game is starting to hook me and I know I need to stop playing it. As much as I would not want to becuase theres a chance I can play with you... but when life is this shit its hard to not sink back into everything that I use to distract my life of it's shittyness. I'm mentually and emotionally exhausted. I'm tired. The old me wants to sink back into video games, not care anymore. But I want one thing more than that.
But today I am litterally over it. I went to go to the dentist for an extraction and the lady said you dont have an appointment today, yours is on monday 2 sept... I know I had an appointment today. I wrote it from my card onto google caleender. I just looked and the card says 29-08 1:30pm... But I litterally was so over it. I don't want to exist in this mortal coil. I just want to forget everyhting and be inside a virtual world where my complete and utter shitness can be forgotten.
I know it's not the right way to think... I know where this path leads. I'm so over it today, and I'm not giving up but today is just... emotionally soul-crushing. I'm so alone, so fucking useless and weak. So shit. I try to improve my resume and it was so deppressing. Looking at all my previous resumes, tired AF, anxious AF, the voices keep telling me I'm shit. And I'm looking at all my previous work experiences and its just gaps of 2-3 months of me trying to claw out of the hell hole that is my miserable pathetic life and failing everytime becuase of one of the many many flaws I have...
Before I met you I was content. I had accepted I was too fucked up to ever have a true love, and I was a little deppressed but content. And I said I was never going to fall in love again. And than I did...this time so much harder than anything before it shook me to the core. And I don't want to give up on that. I don't want to give in to distracting myself from what I trully want. Even though the situation seems so hopeless currently that I will get what I want... and I'll still be alone, and maybe "better and more good" but I'll never feel the same way towards another person like I feel for you. I will find someone else and they won't give me the joy that I felt, meeting you and knowing you, and falling in love with you, and believing you love me.
Maybe its just the deppression talking, but it's what I trully feel is the truth, becuase I might be giving up today cause im tired and had a taste of something that relieved me of my suffering, and I want to be relieved of my suffering, and I havent fully accepted to myself yet, that for me, in my current state, playing WoW is wrong. I know it is. It will smother me. And I know I have to stop playing it. As great as it is, when I am playing it, when I played it last night from 10-1 and this morning from 6-9, it was wonderful. To not think of my many stresses and how shit everything actually is. I mean its not all hopeless I have money and a place to stay, but the situation of what I want and what i am trying to accomplish is so fucking heavy. Its almost traumatising to have to confront all of it.
So why than, would I not become completly obsessed with a world I enjoy living in? A world of warcraft, where I feel part of a community, where I can feel like im "accomplishing" things, where I actually am decent in playing the game, espially if I get really commited to it? Why not? Becuase I want something more, I want true love. And WoW is making me want to forget that. So I need to remove myself from it becuase I know it's not what I trully want. It was like 15 minutes before my bus came and I just didnt want to stop playing it... I was hooked again and it felt so good. But after I had sometime to think about, I know I can't give in to this. My heart is broken. My life is broken. And I want to fix my life, becuase just working to that impossible goal of being your true lover, would bring me more happiness than ignoring my suffering and giving up. It would definatly be easy to completly give in, and I would feel alot "better or happier"...
I feel so alone. I feel so worthless. I actually AM worthless. Like I could list everything that proves this, and it would be hard to argue... or your not shit and your not worthless, becuase you look at the nothing that I have accomplished, the nothing I have become, I AM worthless and shit, and saying otherwise is just a lie, my whole life and the choices I've made proves it. Even a worm feasting on a garbage has more worth than me, at least its contributing to something.
But I'd rather confront my worthlessness and shittyness. I'd rather suffer constantly than go back to content sleep. Even if it destroys me. But today, I just don't give a fuck. I won't intellationally start destroying my progress becuase of how much I currently hate myself. And tommorow I see the doctor and I fucking hope that when I consitently start taking the meds and keep crawling foward, that I will be able to start making actual progress and actually feel happy even though my existence is almost utter shit.
But today I just won't deal with this, becuase I am so close to breaking, having to constantly know how shit I am, i just want to forget for the rest of the day, how utterly worthless, and lonely for you, and pathetic, and weak, and shit, and self-loathing, and arrogant, and negative, and a sick virus on this society that I am. The only thing that keeps me from ending it all used to be distracting myself from this, and I want to stop distracting myself from this, and focus on doing things that make me feel opposite of this. And I wish it was so simple as "get your shit together". But its not. Its a lifetime of neglect both on my part and others. And ultimately my current condition is my fault, and that just makes me feel even more shit. It's true. But I want to stop focusing on negativity. I want to focus on ACTIONS that will help me be more postive. I suppose I should leave it on a good note and not dwell on the negative, and allow myself to play WoW, which I know I have to give up becuase I want to play it constantly now, and I want more, but thats what im going to do today.
--- Its so weird, last night and this morning I was obbsessed with WoW. But I guess after what I just wrote, I lost intrenst in it again. I know I have to stop playing it. It will litterally consume all my thoughts, and all I will want to do 24 hours a day is play WoW. I'll start hating everything that I am doing now, that is good for me and making me happy becuase I will just want to go back home and play WoW. And it sucks so much that I cant just control myself to play 4 hours a day or something... I can do it with other games but this game is too good for me right now, it will consume me. But I'm home and theres nothing else planned so why not just give in one more time? Becuase than I will give in again? Maybe I should just set a time I am allowed to play... like 4-8 and than is it. No more than that. But its like a ciggerette to a nictione addict... I can't just say I'll have 1 ciggerrette a day. I need to just uninstall WoW... it really sucks that I have so little self control that I lost the thing I wanted most in my life ever. And than again when I couldnt control myself after meeting you in WoW. I can watch a movie or do something that doesnt intrenst me enough to want be consumed by it, instead. I really should uninstall this. It sucks so much but it's the right thing to do, else I'm going to end up giving in and giving up and I wont suffer so much but than I will lose hope for you. And if I lose my hope for you by constantly numbing and distracting, I will lose my will to live, not that I would kill myself but I will just start wasting away again. And I know eventually I will be able to lose my hope for you and not lose my will to live, but I'm not there yet. I need you. I need to hope for you to want to fix this utter shit. Only you. Becuase nothing else has ever worked. And I have to "let you go" on WoW, by not playing it anymore, to be able to hold on to you in my heart. Else I will slowly sink into WoW and I will feel like I am betraying our future happiness. I want our future to great.
---All I want to do now that I commiting to not playing WoW is sleep. Probably becuase im so deppressed and woke up tired and feeling shit. But I can't do that either becuase I need to get into a proper routine, and that means I need to get into a good sleep shedule. I guess I can watch a movie, or play another game but those things will not hold my intresnt log enough to stay awake till 10. Only 2 things would right now, WoW and being with you. Being with you is not gonna happen. But WoW can happen. BUt I know thats not right either, but I will fall asleep if I don't. Or I can tell myself I will do whatever it takes to stay awake, but I don't want to leave my house, I'm hearing voices, they arent loud becuase im not super sleep deprived but it makes all socialization torture. In WoW I would have something to focus on, that will intrenst me enough to stay awake, and even though I wouldnt commit to playing it constantly after, I know the best thing for addiction is just stop. Maybe just watching alot of movies will help.
Tommorow when I finnaly get my anti-deppresants I'm going to try and quit smoking again. So over the weekend its gonna I'm going to want something intrensting enough to to keep me from focusing on smoking... WoW could do that but my brain gets so scattered and foggy during the first 5 days, litterally cant function. MAybe just sleep a ton, and when I don't feel sleepy, do something else that will keep my mind of craving... WoW could do that. Ughhh I hate how stupid I have become. I just need to make my damn mind, what is going to be the best way to quit, and than do that.... Sleeping and relaxing for 3 days and something I find intrensting but not something thats going to completly consume me.
I dunno, I'm probally being an over-emotional idiot right now beucase I'm sleep deprived, probs need to have a good sleep and than I can think properly again. Cause I really dont want to stop playing wow, its a chance to show you I can be around you without losing my shit, and a chance for me to a develop a freindship with you. But maybe I already fucked that up as well... God I hate who I am. I am shit.
Just had something to eat, like a proper meal and now I don't feel so dire. I want to play WoW else I'm going to fall asleep. WoW has helped distract me from loniness. It has been helpful and I think it makes sense to be sensible. If I limit the times I play it, It might not consume me. It would be a good way to exersise self control. I just need to learn to put it down and out of my mind, after I play it... Probally not doing it as the last thing I do b4 bed will help. Else I think about it all throughout the day. If I limit it from say, 4-8 or 6-8 and am strict on only playing it during those hours I dont think it will consume me. Plus it also has helped with being stress relieving and distracting me from things that would be worse doing like just sitting here bored and negative.
I just woke up from a 1 1/2 hour nap. I dont feel so emotional now.
I should erase all this, and pretend it never happened. But I am being completly open and honest. As honest as I feel I can be besides any self-deception. I have been completly open and honest with you since we met. I have never opened up so completly, show all my ugliness and worry. Maybe it's a bad thing, it probabbly is. If I played it cool I might not be in this situation right now. Nothings I say is going to change how it is between us currently, I have to accept that. Maybe I have to move on and let go. Maybe that doesnt mean to stop loving you, maybe it does. I feel so deppressed, so regretful that I pushed away the person I fell in love with more than anyone I have ever fell in love with in my life. The pain is so deep, it haunts me while I sleep. It bothers me when I am awake.
I wish you could tell me that everything was going to be ok, and that if I keep going foward everything will work out in the end. Or you could tell me, you need to let me go this behavior is not good for you. I wish you would talk to me deeply, openly and honestly. I wish you would unblock me and we can talk about it in a mature way. I need to grow up and just shoulder my burden. I need to stop the destructive habits that have lead me to this miserable end. I want to be around you, I want to have sex with you, maybe that would cure this mindset. Or maybe being cut off from your presence completly would end this. I don't want the suffering to consume me. I want closure but there is none. So theres only one way. That is to keep trying everyday, to keep being a better and more good person.
I know how I failed that today. By not going speaking up to the lady about that important dental appointment, by not getting enough sleep and waking deppressed and tired. Ohh well, tommorow is another day. Sleep is so important for my wellbeing. I'm ussualy not emotional if I am sleep deprived. I've changed in the month since I knew you. In a huge way. I've become much more sensitive and emotional and anxious and depressed and stupid, and childish. I wonder how long it will take to change. I miss you so much. You have had such a big impact on my being. I want grow up and stop being like this. I want you so much.
Tommorow is another day, and I am not going to give up... I know why today was bad so I will try to do more of the right thing next time. I had a cofee in the morning and didnt eat till 4. I was so focused on playing WoW I didnt give myself enough time to prepare for the day. I shouldn't have played it when I woke up and than neglected all my normal activities waking up, waiting for the last minute unprepared to go do what I had to do. I don't want to let you go. I won't do anything that will let you go. Maybe thats wrong. But I want to keep trying, and loving you and hoping for you. I need to stop focusing on you so much though. I think not masterbaiting is a good thing but I can see how it makes me anxious, senstive, and gives me difficutly sleeping. But the only option I do is to think of you and noone else. But that makes me feel more connected, maybe even more dependant on you. The best option seems to be to just not do it and I become increasingly more anxious and senstive. I could look at porn or think of someone else, but since I met you I have only masterbaited twice and both times I thought of you, and I feel like I probabbly shouldnt have given to it masterbaiting but I also feel that becuase I did but only thought of you, it is better than thinking of someone else or looking at porn. I love you and I am loyal to you and thinking of someone else or looking at porn would make me feel terrible I would be betraying that love. So I think of you when I do it and I dont feel horrible for betraying you but I feel deppressed instead for missing you so much even more than if I did it. But I feel less anxious and senstive tempororarly. Maybe I should again tonight. It'll help me feel less anxious and senstive, and my deppression isnt going to get much worse than it already is becuase I'm not going to self-harm or commit sucide ever. And tommorow when I see Doctor Tiwira hopefully he will be able to help me with this deppression I have.
I suppose its a good thing our WoW server is shutdown tonight. Its like a sign haha. Idk, but I still think I need to mantain strict control over how much I play if I choose to do so... If I'm being honest with myself though, would I be playing if you werent playing. A month ago that would have been a defintate yes. But now I'm not so sure, I still love to game but I feel it's been such a bad part of my life becuase I abused it, I used it to much and relied on it, and become addicted to it and wouldnt control myself but binge 16 hours a day for 3 years straight on video games. Thats not healthy, but am I capable of moderation? Am I capable of only setting aside a limited number of hours and than forgetting about it without becoming resentful or obbsessed over the video game? I can do it with MTG Arena and Talisman but they are only modertly intrensting. WoW is fucking amazing. WoW is like an anti-anxiety drug.
---I don't think letting you go is the right answer. I love you so much. I think constantly accessing my situation and seeing what is bringing me down and constantly correcting myself is a much better alternative. I love you so much. I know if I keep moving foward eventually I will get to where I feel happy about myself. I think taking that lumber mill job might be a good idea. I'm despertally trying to find decent work here in cairns so I can still be close to you, but if I don't find anything than I think it will be best to go. That doesnt mean I will stop thinking about you, or let you go or stop loving you, but I would have to distance myself from you even more, and that makes me feel even more sad. But it might be the right thing to do, to work 60 hours a week, in some backwater small town where the only fun thing to do around there is drinking at the pub, where I don't have any family but only one freind, and no support.... But maybe it would be good for me, if things get really bad I could always come back its not a do-or-die situation. But I can work there for 3-6 months making 1300 a week, and save up 15-20,000 dollars.... that would help me afford alot of the things I need and some of the things I want. And working like that might help me to "grow up and be a man"
--- I went for a walk. I know what I must do. It's not "letting you go", it's not stop loving you. It's to stop focusing on you so much. Focusing on you this much makes me miss you so much. I don't think I can ever go a whole day not thinking about you. But I can choose to keep focusing on myself and freinds and family, and try to not think about you all the time, becuase that makes me feel so much wanting that I become unstable. I will continue to refrain from masterbaiting becuase I love you and I know it will help me be a better person. I lost count how long it's been, but its long enough for me to feel senstive and more anxious. I'm still going to write you every night, but througout the morning and the daytime, I am going to do what the right thing to do is. To better myself and be a good person. I am going to quit smoking, again tommorow. I know I can do it, even in my current mental state. And maybe it will be a placebo-like effect but taking anti-deppressants will help counter the deppression that I feel when nictione has leaved my system. I'm going to focus on being more healthy in diet and exersise. I'm going to focus on looking for work. I'm going to focus on being there for my family and freinds; and socializing with freinds and family, I'm going to focus on getting my teeth fixed, I'm going to focus on doing things I find intrensting without letting my interest consume me, I'm going to focus on working with my psychologist I get assigned tomorrow to improve myself as a person. I'm going to focus on getting my drivers license so after I have saved up I can have the freedom of travel that a car/moterbike allows PCYC gives free driving lessons. I feel a little lonely thinking that I won't feel so connected to you by thinking about you all the time, but I know its the right thing to do.
I'm very sorry I fucked things up again, by losing my shit once I met up with you on WoW. I'm not going to dwell on it becuase it makes me really sad, but I should have just asked if you wanted to go questing the first day when I met you online at level 1. It should have been obvious to me that you wanted to quest with me. I always think and expect the worst situation when it comes to people I am romanticly intrensted in.
I hope maybe in 3-6 months after I've done some hard work, and worked on myself and become more stable and worked out some of my dependenacy issues that we might be able to hang out and develop a freindship. I know I can control myself and not allow my emotions to overcome me, and I need more time to improve myself. I really trully do love you. I'm ussually shy and I hide and numb everything. Nothing got me out of my shell, I would never have gone hung out with anyone on that boat with so many people, even if it were someone I was romantically intrensted in, I would have said no. But I felt such a strong attraction to you, not just physically. I would never have changed my life if it werent for meeting you. I'm not there yet, "changed my life" but im working on it and I won't give up. I'll keep doing the right thing. I'm still going to write about you, becuase I love you and I care about you (even though I'm so self-centered). I love you.
I woke up today at 9:15. I looked at my phone and there was a notification for my doctors appointment at 9:30... I swear my appointment was 11:45. I feel dissapointed and a little sad becuase that was what I was going to do today, talk to my doctor, get anti-deppressants and get assigned a Psychologist. And I somehow forgot that information. I feel empty inside. I feel that you are right and that I do need "meds" and I can't believe I mistook the times. I know why, becuase last night I looked at the reminder text message the doctor sent me and it said it was at 11:45 but I looked at my phone now and realized I was looking at the wrong message. That was for last friday... Hist next avaible appointment is for monday, but fortuntalty the lady on the phone told me that he is avaible for walk in clients tommorow at 8:00am.
I miss you, and it's hard not to hate myself for screwing things up a second time and getting ignored on WoW. I feel deppressed and theres nothing to really go outside for. I think I'm also very sad becuase I keep thinking about how I repeated the same behavior on WoW and now it feels like its going to be much longer before I can be in your presence again. And that deppresses me. To know I fucked up AGAIN and that this time my punishment is it will be much longer or maybe never get to see you again. I wish I wasn't so co-dependant, and beyond clingy and unstable.
I'm not going to dwell on it becuase it will make me spiral into a deeper deppression but I feel so horrible that I can't control myself in your pressence and I unintenttioally pushed you away a second time, becuase of my intense feelings and my insecurties, and sadness and deppression. I just want to stay home all day... I don't think I should play WoW... I want to so bad.... To hopefully see you and say Hi, maybe to get sucked in, I don't know I see that its not healthy for me to play WoW becuase of how addicted to it I know I become when playing WoW and other MMO-RPGS, and becuase I'm desperate for your you.
I don't know what I'm going to do today, I feel so incomplete,
I think I will stay home all day unless a freind comes around, and finish working on my resume and put my new resume on a bunch of job vacancies. And do my laundry, and clean my room, although its pretty clean, and just try and become more organized today.... I want to just sit here and play WoW all day, or watch youtube and play games all day but that is not the right thing to do... I have things in my life, in my house that need to be put inorder and I can do those things today. I'm so sorry I fucked things up a second time. I want to see you so bad, and I had a chance to make things right, to prove I could be stable and kind and I fucking hate myself for screwing it up again.