Checking in at 5:18 am - my fantastic blog
|I'm up and have been up for a while but I've been either going through my soc media or getting something to drink, eat, have a quiet moment, knit something new (starting a new dishcloth which I'm sure nobody will care about but it's a small project, has a nice pattern and I like the color - today's color is country blue). The dog was being too friendly and I'm not sure I like him still. He's sort of new - had him since well a couple of months ago from the shelter. I got talked into taking him home by some old thought and now I"m stuck with the dog. I don't want to sound unfeeling but this dog is fresh and I can't stand him. I can get him to walk, finally, after a while. Yesterday he refused to get out of the car and it was a lot of work to wedge him out of it and make him finally stand and walk . Then he had the worst case of the runs on the running pavement and I had no way of getting rid of it. He's so weird that when he's out in the open air he's shivering like some weird person or animal whose never been in 60 degree weather. So I don't know what to do - do I take him back to the shelter? Or keep him and try to tolerate him and maybe he'll adjust and I'll be less prone to feel weird when he jumps at my backside. My first dog was more cuddly and huggable and I loved him always. This one's not that way. He's got a hump on his back and well, he's got a short coat and when he licks his lips it looks rather lascivious. It's really weird. I have this awfully awfully sad idea that the shelter is going to shut its doors before I even get the idea of taking the dog back so I'll be forced to take him somewhere else and my $150 fee will never be refunded. I can't say I don't need this money but I wonder if it will look too cruel to take this dog back because I actually need the money than his company?
If he ever does go with me in my car, he likes to crouch on the floor of the right hand passenger and then he falls into a stupor and then I don't know if he's alive. This morning I was in the other room (my Dad's converted mancave that used to be the dining rooom and is now the place where we put everything that we think is important at some point in our lives - like old letters, bills, magazines, the stereo player, the CD player, this big world thing, the dining table littered with my eBay items which I'm sure isn't a good idea if the cat ever decides to jump on it and spray everything out on the carpet) and so I don't know well the dog (I noticed after I'd decided to take a break from my knitting) looked quite dead. He had his eye half open and his one leg was pointing aloft and I thought he's got rigor mortis, Then I decided to talk to him (or maybe I didnt') and I moved towards the hall and then he was following me. I was just telling myself the dog's dead when I noticed he was actually moving. I HATE THIS IDEA THIS DOG IS DEAD AND HE'S BEING LED AROUND BY THIS GHASTLY ASSHOLE GHOST THAT WANTS TO CONVINCE ME HE IS STILL ALIVE..
Such is my life. Filled with ghosts. I think I'm sane but I might not be. I need help tell God to heal me. I have only several doses of meds and I have no foreseeable idea when I'll see my shrink. My father is so obtuse he can't figure out that I need to see the shrink to get meds.
I am or was in a bad mood but now I'm seeing the funny part of this blog. I hope this dog will be happy and I'll be happy with this dog. He barks a few times at my Dad's direction. Usually the barking is a bit welcome to me - I like that he can bark so that the baddies will decide not to invade our home. But the dog isn't really able to bark at times when I know that the baddies are around. I have no wish to have anything to do with dogs for now. Maybe this dog therapy business will be tabled but I think it might be that I need the right kind of dog, not a weird psycho dog like my dog now. He's not really running amok but he tends to chase the cats and make them sad, but I don't usually try to get them away from each other because I'd like the cats to be able to fight back and not take it from him and his fresh ways. I want my cats to use their claws because that's what I think will quell this bullying that this dog (and any dog even my dog Duke) can do. My Duke has been well behaved with the cats after a while. He's actually given kisses to my cat Paco but he does stay away from Katya because she has given him a few licks.
I don't know what the day will bring. I think somewhere down south of us it will have thunderstorms. I might like to watch some football just to get the 'atmosphere' of cheering crowds in the house. I might even go out for a few hours in the neighborhood but I'm not safe anymore here due to the bad attitudes of the baristas and some places that I frequent. The downtown is not a good place to be on Sundays as it is quite empty of people. When i went there once to give a payment to my CPA, I went to this coffee shop and passed a vagrant-looking guy and he came and also went to the coffee shop, which was weirding me out and I was terrified and as soon as I had my coffee (a small espresso) I fled and went to my car, whcih unfortunately was parked too far away. On the way to the car I saw another weird vagrant looking guy and I prayed to God I could pass him by without making him stare or look. I'm not a good looking girl but in Lafayette guys who are interested in one thing will go after anyone who's got the 'equipment' so I'm not real excited about the downtown area right now.
I don't go downtown much unless I have to. I've felt a bit paranoid too about the US postoffice in my own town of West Lafayette. They seem to have a way of inspecting my mail and packages. When I was about to get married (another fiction in my life ut that's another blog post) I was shopping online to f wedding dresses. So I ordered and returned and ordered and so each time I got a package from Saks (which seemed to have affordable dresses) the packages were opened and once it was so opened the dress hung out. The packages from Bloomie's weren't damaged though. I also ordered some other things from when I was interested in that weird guy Glenn Beck who I think is a real doll (IYKWIM) and so his website had some merchants that sold survival stuff - how to survive a storm or hurricane, how to survive floods and how to keep a record of your documents et cetera. Well, the packages also came with a slitted part of the box and I wondered if the US postoffice had looked into it. They are on my watch list and so I hardly really mail things there but it isn't really the only branch that's my problem with. When I sent a newsletter to people like Colin Firth and Tucker Carlson, the newsletter was returned without having any stamp on their end (the PO) that the letter had any problems. No 'return to sender' on the envelope, no "needs more stamp money" or anything. So I felt as though I was getting targeted by the post office and for what reason I don't know but I do know Mr. Firth and he does expect me to send him newsletters. Mr Carlson I have met and he seems nice so I think Mr Firth's directive to send him a newsletter was ok too . So I'm not very happy with the US postoffices in town.
I also noticed that when I was in the PO in Lafayette and stood in line the mail clerk was prone to make a lot of conversation with the people there (unless there wasn't anything to talk about) and one guy was there with a lot of packages from wherever he worked and I was getting the drift that the mail clerk was trying to figure things out about the thoughts in the room which went along not only with the one who was being waited on but with me.
I also had the weirdest idea that the US postal service is one way the government can spy on some people of interest and they employ FBI agents to do this. In fact, I believe that the FBI employs the unemployed nonpracticing lawyers (who have not been successful in getting a cush job in their field) to do this work as mail clerks. The man at the PO in Lafayette was too smart to even be called a mere mail clerk and I think they ought to (if they wanted to) instead employ actors who can act as dumb as anyone except that they can figure out what stamps go with what packages et cetera.
If it can be connected to this that this place in WL is filled with: FBI agents CIA agents and other non-US spy agents and even those who are acting in some way to make me and my family sad. I was in the bookstore yesterday and tried to do some work and a few blowsy people came to eat and they were so loud and then I heard them and I wondered if they were declaiming. I believe they are paid to act and make conversations and allude to some sad part of my past life and remind me of how I - lost a baby (which I've not exactly done), lost a mother, see a shrink, have no boyfriend, have no love life, aren't pretty, and so on - to make me sad and remind me that my life is a passing thing and I 'll be dead. Or, to make me think of some lesion on my body which I ought to have a doctor look at so that the doctors will have something to tell me - usually a dire thing like OMG you have a cancer to make me even sadder.
Sad but it sounds like it might be true. I also think that there are some people here I've met who are so good looking even some of the cops are handsome and I am like HOW does a cop in this part of Indiana look like some big movie actor who's out of place? ? I got pulled over by a cop by going 5 over the limit and I noticed he was tall, well built, blondish, had those aviator glasses and I was like, he's reallly cute, but then I was too worried about getting to work late as they docked you if you were late at that workplace.
I guess I'm in some zone where the place is all about me. I'm the one they want to focus on and make me to commit some sort of self-harm. I wish to be freed from this place. I have asked Mr Firth to take me and my family away from here. I don't think he's convinced of it. I don't know what will convince anyone. I wish people could talk about this and see if it's happening in their own neck of the woods . Is this country getting deluged with false faces? Is it going into a really weird sort of illusory world? What is real and what isn't anymore? Even my dog, is he a real dog? What if he were a 'senorita' who's just trying to hang out until I move out. Are people that desparate to leave this place that they'll pretend that they're dogs now?
Is this a fictional blog? I think it might be - see if you think or feel that it is. If you're getting the heeby jeebies then it's a real blog.