Mischievous little demons really do live among us... and they can cook! 917 words
|SCREAMS!!! Entry 12/14/19
Prompt: Divine Cooking
I pulled my knife from the last tire in the church parking lot, enjoying the hiss of air as it flattened. I giggled.
I was an imp. Mischief was my specialty.
I heard two boys come out of Sunday school arguing about whether there were two zebras on Noah’s arc.
Who the hell cares? I thought. Noah was a no good drunk, anyway. His wife did all the real work with the animal hoarding and such. Noah was just another one of those Old Testament dudes taking credit they didn’t deserve. Kinda like that Hiker chick whose account I hacked the other day. I wrote shit all through her story, and she had the nerve to take credit for it! Bitch. No one can write shit like I can.
Anyway, back to the Sunday school suckers. I quickly turned invisible (if a human sees me, it’s straight back to Hell for yours truly), and swooped in behind these two little punks.
As they argued about whether zebras were painted horses or whole different species, I made a farting sound with my mouth. Little punk A shoved little punk B and told him he stunk. Then little punk B shoved little punk A and told him to go to hell. I snickered. That was my favorite insult.
Anyway, the two little punks started fighting, a full-on brawl, the pudgy little morons rolling on the ground trading punches into each other’s rounded cheeks, much to my delight. By the time two large bible thumpers came out of the church to break the thing up, I was lost in belly-busting guffaws.
I sobered up quickly, however, when their guardian angels glided down from the sky. The dude angel looked pretty tough, all buff and shit. The chick angel was a good-looking white-winged blonde.
The dude angel walked over—invisible, of course, since angels have the same rules as we demons—and tried to strengthen his charge and lessen his injuries. The chick angel, though, noticed me and stared in my direction, eyes wide in alarm.
The angel chick was really hot, so I did my patented double eyebrow wiggle and use my best pickup line.
“Hey baby!” I said in my deepest voice.
She looked disgusted, but I knew it was just an act. She wanted me. Yep. That’s right. They all do, truth be told. There’s this one heavenly hottie that I’ve been working on three thousand years. She’s just playing hard to get.
"Ew," said the angel.
So this one was playing hard to get too, I could see. Angels really seemed to like that game. That's okay. It's not like I didn't have eternity.
Anyway, she seemed torn between doing something about me (or with me) and taking care of her charge. Duty seemed to win out, and she rushed to the little punk she was responsible for, easing his injuries just as her partner was.
The angel chick whispered something to the angel dude and he glanced my way. Damn. I didn't have much time. Angel dudes were less receptive to my sexy eyebrow wiggle then chicks. I was going to need to pull out the big guns.
So I called my boss. Cell phones these days have great reception, even in hell. There are so many tech guys in hell these days that they put up towers, I guess.
My boss was an elder, one of the fallen archangels, a pretty badass guy. He appeared in a puff of black smoke, a massive, shadowy bloke with featherless ebony wings. As his glowing red gaze fell on them, both angels looked stunned. They stumbled to their feet with urgency, charges forgotten. They leapt into the air, attempting a quick escape, but boss man snagged them both by the ankle.
They struggled against him, but a quick blow to each celestial noggin took the fight right out of them. I felt a tinge of guilt for calling in the heavy artillery. I wish that blondie hadn't felt the need to go tell the buff guy about me, but she did. She should have known better.
Boss man dragged both angels along the church parking lot, their perfect white wings grinding along becoming dirty with earthly crud. He motioned for me to come along, so I did.
He puffed a burst of black smoke that enveloped us all, and we were instantly back in hell... well, hell's kitchen actually. There was a huge black pot in the middle of the place, full of boiling water. Pretty much everything was boiling in hell. It was kinda our thing.
The boss threw the two angels into the boiling liquid. They began to scream and cry for mercy. Boss closed his eyes to listen to the sweet, sweet music of pain. I watched in disappointment. I wasn't going to get a chance with blondie. Damn.
Boss nodded to me, and I gave an acknowledging nod in return. I knew my role. I went to the burning cabinets and grabbed some obsidian dishes and charcoal flatware. I set them on the table, then finished our divine cooking. I stirred until the screaming stopped. Screams made for a great timer, you know. The humans do it backwards, though, with sound, rather than silence, to tell them their meal is ready.
I pulled out the boiled meat and carved it for the boss. As I did, I couldn't help but muse about today's turn of events. Blondie should have known.
Never underestimate the imp.