|A simple finger nailed tap on glass, was all it took. I have kicked myself ever since.
I’d say that was a year ago, or so. I flicker through captured snippets in my mind’s eye and marvel at the numerous folders accumulated over such a short expanse of time. Gladly, the mind has the forethought to allow good and trash folders, or it would be futile to be here. My mind is a tangent, I should start at the beginning so you can see if you can relate, I’m sure you can, it’s a shame if you had to… You are told of stories of Romeo and Juliet, besotted and damned… Of course, they killed themselves and yet we somehow romance at their sheer delight and wonder if we would ever find a love so entrancing, most of us will not. Unfortunately, some of us will and ensuing death will prevail in some guise or other. Her name was Lou, Louise, Pixie, or simply Hey! Standing 5 foot 5 inches in stockings, she was a vision. Yes, you would have noticed the correlation between Nabokov’s Lolita, and you would be sadly right. I should have known.
That was much later on you understand. Stockings and things would come prised and strangled from the depths.
That wasn’t the first time I had tapped on the pane of glass that separated me from a mane of golden hair that would make all heads turn. It was nonsense to me. How could I be so close to this? We had chatted, and flirted, maybe? You see, I was long out of this game and couldn’t tell and wanted to flee, but I just couldn’t, I couldn’t... It was simply too much to pass, a Unicorn perhaps? A Juliet perhaps? Trudging through life, each day the same as before, no escape in end… Pointless, the word that springs that springs to mind seeming apt, but you would be wrong. As each of those days tick slowly by, the magic of life raises above the parapet and glances in your direction and shows you that you just never know what lay’s ahead.
Another day of mindlessness, surrounded by empty vessels, not an ounce of aspiration anywhere to be seen, something was different this day. I mentioned before that golden mane, to say I was transfixed would be an understatement. Among the drab purples and grey, golden ringlets spun down upon a curved huddled back, just the edge of a phone and delicate fingers could be seen swishing and prodding… Everyone and everything became irrelevant in an instant. I had to and wanted to know who this creature was. Infatuation, lust or the desperation of an old man I hear you cry, no matter what you may think of me, unless you had such an encounter, it would be difficult for you to comprehend the feelings that flooded through my being. You may say all of those things, and possibly you are right, but at that moment, my thought was only this… Is this what it is to feel unadulterated love?
I was being absurd, of course I was. I had no knowledge of this girl, no name, had never seen her before, and if I had, I would be repeating myself to you with the same emotion all over again, nothing would change. That night, everything passed by as it had done before, with the exception of my craning neck. I tried every lame trick in the book, oops, I need to walk down this unfamiliar aisle, oops, I forget to get this bit of cardboard, oops, I forgot some other task that I had never carried out before on numerous nights, nothing, not even the inkling that I existed. I was crushed. Days, and maybe weeks went by, and I longed to engage. I would lay awake in the day and night thinking about nothing but her. I can hear you all tssking and tutting, but again, you have never seen her, or heard her sing song voice conversing with some other lucky devil… It was excruciating. Enough was enough, I had to do something.
It was Thursday, I will always remember, as this was the day I waited for each week.
If you ask yourself honestly, do you relish the prospect of arriving to your place of work to be sucked on as if you are some expendable boiled sweet? Of course most of us would say, surely not! I was different, I had to get to work, I had to see her, just be near her, it was insane to me, and complete nonsense. From the moment that staff room was illuminated all that time ago, I found myself waiting for each Thursday through dread, anxiety and pure excitement. This particular Thursday I had my plan in hand, I would cut this madness in half and find some way of approaching this girl who had consumed my thoughts and life for far too long. I say plan, I had no idea what to do, but I just had to end my torment. Did I exist in her world, or was I a fool who thought his was still the dapper twenty something he once was. Without bragging you understand, I once was something the female world looked on favorably and had my fair share of what we deem as success, but this girl firmly placed me back into reality.
There was simply no way!
Arriving as normal on this fateful Thursday, I saw the hunched back and the golden locks among the sterile others, it was almost too much to bear, I had psyched myself up to the point of no return, I had to know one way or the other. To say I ached, and laboured in my own mind, would be kind to me and almost romantic. I eventually passed by sometime in a long fraught night of thoughts of rejection and what ifs, and forced myself to say something. If that golden mane had had me entranced, the eyes that looked up as introduced my awkward soppy self, blew my mind. Piercing blue and huge, framed in a face that was crafted by an artist, I almost lost it. I said something I’m sure was transparent and lame, and to my surprise, she smiled. I watched as her lips broke embarrassingly, it was the cutest thing I had ever seen. A slight brown stain on the left of her smile glistened and lit up her face even further. I was in love in a heartbeat. We talked like it was meant to be, said our goodbyes and later that night was the first time I tapped on that window pane, beginning a tentative ritual that lasted far too long.
Part 2 Coming Soon.....