A small fraction of my train of thought when I couldn't smile.
| When you're in the middle of a crowd, under the hot sun or twinkling night, sometimes, it doesn't feel right. Whether you're alone or with someone or with a group, something just feels out of place. As if you're wearing someone else's clothes or you're smiling for the wrong reasons. You look around and see others enjoying themselves, enjoying life. But why can't you?
So you move away, and give yourself some space. Maybe it's just the noisiness of the people that makes your ears ache. Maybe you just need to take a deep breath. When you find yourself walking alone along a quiet street with only the rustling of leaves in your background, something still doesn't feel right. You begin to panic about what this restless feeling means. Have you forgotten something? Is there a place you have to be at? Has someone said something?
Eventually, you look up, and find yourself near home, and that's when you accept it. There is something wrong. You don't know if something is missing or if it's too much, but you know that there is something wrong. Unaware, your eyes water and reflect the lights from your house. Why are you crying?
Lost. You don't know the answers to the questions but you somehow coin the word that feels most apt for you right now. Lost. Maybe you lost something and you didn't realize it until now. Maybe you were trying to find something you had lost but can no longer remember what it is. Maybe you lost the meaning of what used to be so special to you. Or maybe, somewhere, you lost yourself.