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Rated: 13+ · Prose · Comedy · #2216632
Nougats of Nutty Nonsense

"Who cares if I forgot the milk," he sighed listlessly.

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If we had some ham we could have ham & eggs if we had any eggs.

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"You're suing me? Well, two can play that game!" he retorted.

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"Let's turn the mattress," she suggested flippantly.

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"I see," said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

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I studied to be a surgeon, but I couldn't make the cut.

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I'd be lying if I said I didn't tell the truth.

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I tried to organize a jigsaw puzzle club,
but I couldn't put all the pieces in place.

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The pineapple is neither a pine nor an apple.

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I once had dinner at a nice restaurant in London.
I thought the tripe might be good, but it was offal.

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I'm sorry I blew up about getting an F in Chem lab.
I guess I just reacted badly.

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A woman was arrested at the airport last week. The TSA screener
found fake $100 bills stuffed in her bra. A police spokesperson confirmed
that it was the biggest counterfeit bust they'd seen in years.

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I really enjoyed the tour of the airplane factory. It was riveting!

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My therapist suggested that I face my feather phobia by
getting a job at the poultry farm, but I chickened out.

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I was going to load my rifle last week, but I never got around to it.

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I've been overeating for years, but that's all behind me now.

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I wanted to be a mountaineer, but I couldn't make the grade.

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His face was gneiss and he really rocked her world.
But she couldn't read that stony gaze,
and took his love for granite.

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My wife asked me to look for her watch, but I couldn't find the time.

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I tried the waste management training course, but I couldn't pick it up.

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My dog didn't want to admit that he'd been eating roadkill,
but I finally managed to worm it out of him.

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I opened a refrigerator shop, but business was bad and I lost my cool.

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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

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"Humor me," he said, with a vitreous grin.
"I'd like to, but I can't see my way clear," she replied.
"Iris spotted a floater down by the pier and I have to look into it."
"OK, but a word of advice - don't focus on what's directly in front of you.
Be aware of what's going on around the edges."


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