Nougats of Nutty Nonsense
If life seems more than you can bear, just play a country ballad backwards.
Your truck will get fixed, your dog will come home, you'll reconcile with your
wife, and you'll clean up your act & stop drinking.
Everyone hates her because she's so popular.
My therapist started an apathy group due to
lack of interest in his regular sessions.
How many times do I have to tell you?
I AM NOT STUBBORN!
This is the best axe I ever owned -
I've only replaced the head once and the handle twice!
What do you call a dog who can't hear?
It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
Infertility is often hereditary. If your parents didn't have children,
then you probably won't either.
If you fart in Church, you'll have to sit in your own pew.
You may know that a Bactrian camel has two humps and a Dromedary
has only one, but what do you call a camel with no humps?
Why, Humphrey of course!
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose,
but you shouldn't pick your friend's nose!
"I want the whole story," she said, looking down at the mouth.
"It's a deep subject," he replied. "You might get in over your head."
"I can dig it," she insisted.
"Okay, here's the scoop," he offered, "I picked it out just for you."
"Where's the shovel?" she wondered.
"Yes it does," he agreed. "But I think it turned out well."
If we had some ham, we could have ham & eggs if we had any eggs.
"I see," said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
I studied to be a surgeon, but I couldn't make the cut.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't tell the truth.
I tried to organize a jigsaw puzzle club,
but I couldn't put all the pieces in place.
The pineapple is neither a pine nor an apple.
I once had dinner at a nice restaurant in London.
I thought the tripe might be good, but it was offal.
I'm sorry I blew up about getting an F in Chem lab.
I guess I just reacted badly.
A woman was arrested at the airport last week. The TSA screener
found fake $100 bills stuffed in her bra. A police spokesperson confirmed
that it was the biggest counterfeit bust they'd seen in years.
I really enjoyed the tour of the airplane factory. It was riveting!
My therapist suggested that I face my feather phobia by
getting a job at the poultry farm, but I chickened out.
I was going to load my rifle last week, but I never got around to it.
I've been overeating for years, but that's all behind me now.
Diarrhea is hereditary - it runs in your genes.
I wanted to be a mountaineer, but I couldn't make the grade.
His face was gneiss and he really rocked her world,
but she couldn't read that stony gaze
and took his love for granite.
My wife asked me to look for her watch, but I couldn't find the time.
I tried the waste management training course, but I couldn't pick it up.
My dog didn't want to admit that he'd been eating roadkill,
but I finally managed to worm it out of him.
I opened a refrigerator shop, but business was bad and I lost my cool.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
"Humor me," he said, with a vitreous grin.
"I'd like to, but I can't see my way clear," she replied.
"Iris spotted a floater down by the pier and I have to look into it."
"OK, but a word of advice - don't focus on what's directly in front of you.
Be aware of what's going on around the edges."