Childhood rape turned sexual problem
|I had fun going out with my friends. I had fun going to the college and meeting guys. I didn't see any danger in it. I was with friends. As long as we were in a group we would be fine.
My parents had planned a get away. I of course asked to stay behind my mom was very adamant that I stay home since my aunt and uncle were driving in for the night and staying at the house. I agreed. I had wanted a chill evening regardless so I was happy to oblige.
I used to listen to music on my headphones, back when discman were around, so I would sometimes fall asleep with them on. I didn't hear my family arrive and really didn't think about them. That morning I heard a car leave. My first thought was oh cool they're gone. Then I heard a knock on my bedroom door. Before I could answer my uncle walked in. I was going to sit up but he told me I was fine and sat at the end of my bed. He asked about school and if I was saying. I laughed and said no. He then asked if I liked anyone at school. I told him no, I didn't really pay attention to them. He got quiet for a few minutes. He turned and asked me why I wasn't playing sports. I lied and said I had a bum knee so it was hard to play and not get hurt. He lifted the covers to "look" at my knee. I froze. He squeezed it and asked me if it hurt. I said no. He then proceeded to go up further, squeezing, and again asking if it hurt. Before I knew it his hand was at my pussy. In my head I was fighting him off and screaming. Physically I laid still frozen in that time. He then stuck 2 fingers in me and asked if I knew what to do with a boy. I said no. I felt like no should of been enough. He kept playing with me and telling me it was so tight and felt good. I felt the tears come up but they wouldn't come out, so I closed my eyes. He removed my shorts and panties and proceeded to give me oral. I came. It felt so wrong I guess he took that as me wanting more. I could hear him taking his pants off and I felt his dick go inside me. He moaned so loud I thought I was going to throw up. He trusted and moaned each time. He kept saying I was so tight, my pussy was so good, and I was so wet for him. I started crying. This was wrong it was so wrong. I came again and so did he. I didn't even realize he had a condom on but he did, thank God. When he was done he looked at me and said, "your the best fuck I've ever had." He walked out of my room as soon as my aunt drove up. I laid in my bed crying and disgusted with myself. When did I ever say, yes i want to fuck you? What did i do to make him think I wanted that? I stayed in my bedroom until I heard them leave. I heard my aunt ask if they should tell me bye and he told her no, I was probably still asleep. As soon as I saw them leave I ran to the shower and made sure the water was steaming. I wanted to burn the whole situation off of me. I wanted to rewind time and fight him off like I should have. I put my sheets and clothes in the washer as soon as I was done. I called my friend and asked her if she wanted to hang out. She agreed so I walked to her house.
We ended up at a party and I met Felix. Good looking guy, beautiful eyes. We talked for a bit and he invited me into the house to take shots. I agreed. I found out layer that shots was code for I'm taking this girl inside to fuck her real quick. I honestly wouldn't have said no if he straight up asked me. At that point, at that moment I was willing to do anything and everything to just feel nothing. We took our shots and went into his room. The sick was not great. I tried everything to get myself off and it wasn't working. Poor guy really did try and when he came I was relieved it was over with. He asked me if I enjoyed it and I lied and said yes. I dressed quickly and went back outside. He hung on me the whole night. He followed me around like a little puppy and kept wanting to hold my hand. I didn't want to be with him. I thought he'd give me some kind of excitement but as I look back on it, I was just punishing myself for what my uncle did. The part dwindled and he offered to drive me home, I said yes. On the drive he asked questions about me and what classes I was taking. I gave him a bullshit schedule and left it at that. We got to my house and he opened the car door for me. He gave me a kiss and asked if we could see each other again. I smiled and told him goodnight. I went inside, locked my door, and cried myself to sleep.
The following weekend my friends new fuck buddy invited her to his house for a party so she called me up and I agreed to go. My parents were staying the weekend so we made up an excuse of me spending the night at her house. We got ready and he picked us up and drove us to his house. There was more guys then girls so I knew I'd end up with someone. I got introduced to a lot of them. I couldn't tell you there names. As I was sitting on the couch in walked a guy with a to go container. Everyone said ho to him and his friend introduced us. His name was Luis and by the looks of it, he had just gotten off of work. We talked while he ate his dinner. He then asked if I wanted to walk with him to his trailer next door sho he could change. I said yes. I sat in his bedroom while he showered. He walked out in just a towel and I was immediately turned on. He asked if I wanted to hook up and I said yes. It was great sex. He introduced me to a while new level of sex and I enjoyed it. After that party we kept in touch, just your typical fuck buddy scenario. Did I want anything with him? No but hey at least it good. We lost touch after a couple of weeks, I was getting fucked daily by him. I wasn't interested in anything but intimacy and I'm sure he expected a relationship.
After that I met Albert. He lived across the street from my new friend. They whistled at us as we walked into her house and we decided to go for it. We walked over there and hung out. He was ok looking. Not my type but hey whatever works. My friend had curfew and was ready to go. I called my mom and let her know I was spending the night at my other friends house. I stayed there with him. I can't remember the sex. I remember being in his room and him but I don't remember the sex. I left early the next morning to get ready at my friends house and went to school. I never saw him again.
We went to a Kumbia Kings cover band dance at the church. I love to dance and so do my friends. We had a blast and danced every song. The band even dubbed us "The Kumbia Queens". After they finished their set they went to our table and talked to us. They invited us back to their hotel rooms to continue the party. I don't remember my guys name. I don't even remember what he looked like. I know the room was crowded so we went downstairs to the lobby bathroom and fucked in there. It was good. I enjoyed it. We left to go home after that and I never tried to get to know him. That was what my life was turning into. I wanted sex all the time. I only wanted to get my brains fucked out to keep feeling numb. I figured the more sex I had the more
I could forget what happened to me. Those are the ones I remember as of now. I'm sure there were a lot mor. A lot more one night stands that I need to just fuck to feel better. I just can't remember them all.
I never talked about the rape. I surpressed it. It wasn't until recently when I decided to let myself think of it all, that I actually acknowledge what happened. I am waiting for the day o can confront my uncle. When I know once I do it will be healing and not damaging. Sex isn't supposed to be forced, it isn't supposed to be a fix for feeling bad. But to me that's what it became.