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an out look on a dream I had
Have you ever wondered what your dreams mean or could mean.? I do. Sometimes I'm scared to death to go to sleep as its not exactly dreams I have its nightmares or night terrors some call it. So real in fact it doesn't feel like a dream at all but something so scary it leaves you breathless and startled yet terrified. Truth is no one really knows what causes us to dream good or bad. some think it could be visions of things going to happen, a warning per say. or maybe something that happened a long time ago that you have flash backs of. Some say you can predict what you are going to dream about and control your dreams. They say the last thing you think about is what your for sure to dream about. I guess I would love to test this theory for I would love to change my dreams. For the first time in a long time I had a dream I could remember and woke up with the biggest smile on my face. I am not sure what caused this dream to form, or how I even managed to get my bf in this dream. But I did . I brought him into my dream and it was the best dream of my life. I dreamed we were laying on an island with the most beautiful beach with a waterfall ever. He built a gazebo where I strung twinkle lights from each side and could stare at the stars from the top. we had my horses pastured on the shore line as I was planning the best day of our lives and the start of our future together forever. we were going to walk the long path bridge to the island on horse back side by side as our favorite song played in the back ground. and under the gazebo he built we would say our speeches. And get to share the most perfect first kiss ever as one. We will go on the best journey together as we share our lives together. We went to The Republic where we got to experience swim up bars and have a great time. The hotel wasn't our thing so we made a spot on the beach where we had our first married sexual touches. Made love under the stars and just being in his arms made the dream that much more. Its a brand new relationship I have no idea why my mind is going so over board so fast with how I feel about him and what I am wanting. I have never wanted to merry. Never wanted to merry as lately it seems so fake and lies. A paper that means nothing. I want marriage to be forever. where you fight for what you want and take nothing for granted. work out every issue that may come across and deal with it not alone but together. Nothing can happen that cant not be fixed. surely if you cheat its usually a goodbye. question remains why did it happen and what caused it to happen. Some strong loving relationships can really look passed this and move on. they may never trust 100 percent which causes strain. but the strength comes from the power to try even though it hurts and rather walk away. real love isn't just a word you say to make someone want you or keep you. its not a word that should be said or thrown around. Its when you get that feeling In the bottom of your stomach and not sure what it is. the voice in your head saying your crazy that you can drown thinking about him. his touch .smell and his touch. how you crave to be near him even when hes in the next room. scared to loose him for a second and scared for him at the same time. its the ability to share pain and truth and to grow together as one. its the passion to go out of your way to make the other one feel better and put a smile on the face of the one you love. Some people do not ever want to get married. I was one of those people. even to a point the best time in my life I was tricked to marrying for selfish reasons of the guy I was with. that I know regret. I never wanted to be divorced mom, I wanted to be married once have kids have a real family and be loved for real for the first time in my life. know what Christmas is , what family dinners are. and to really truly feel and be allowed to feel what real happiness is. I have been robbed of my entire life. forced to grow up fast, forced to live my life a certain way and hating every bit of it. Doesn't matter what dream or wish I have deep inside, they are always so far from reach it sickens me. I want life. I want a family kids of my own with a man that will never give up. a man that understands me and sees me for me. A man that will help me grow and mostly a man that will truly love me and want to be with me for me. I know its crazy to think or even feel this way about someone ya do not know much about. But I really believe I found my soul mate the one I've been waiting for . the man of my dreams the man of my heart. It has taken so long but I really think I found him. someone to complete me. someone to share life with make memories and grow old together. So do I tell him or keep it to myself. even thought I know that he has an idea what is on my mind. these ideas that flow inside of me , I keep to my self. partly knowing he doesn't want the same things as me or may not feel the same. but mostly I do not wish to ruin what we have. I want so much to let him in and show him the real me. but even though I feel as though he wont leave or go anywhere. I know that everyone that has ever said that is now gone. leaving me when I needed and trusted them most. I realize and know he is completely different, but that is what scares me the most.. I've finally found someone that can hurt me more then anyone ever could, someone so close to me inside my
head and in my heart. the place I've let know one else see or be near and kept locked within me with a key. I am used to building walls and hiding my self within them, never showing who I am or what I want or feel. Never getting hurt always playing it safe. So back to the dream. is it a vision of my future? am I really going to live happily ever after like a fairy tail and have the man of my heart. or is it just a dream a wish that will never happen. a fantasy of day dreaming out of reality. I do not know how much times I have on earth which is the most scariest thing in the world . Not being able to finish my dreams or my chapter of my life but always living life on someone else's clock. Could I be selfish in my thoughts, my dreams of wanting more when I know what I know? is it wrong to want a family be happy and be married and finally have the most perfect day to remember knowing I wont be around for long? why do I think these things? why does my mind race so much I cant stop it. why cant time just freeze and stand still so I can catch up with rational thinking before dreaming things so crazy people run away. I have so much in my heart and my mind but so scared to release and let go. knowing the secrets that he would know and if he left what he would do or could do with what has been said. I've never been this happy not ever not with anyone. I've never felt real love or the feeling of love to even actually say it. I've typed to to those that needed to see it or hear it when I couldn't say it . but I've never really meant it until now. how can someone I barely know feel like we have been together for a decade. My marriage with Alain Primeau was the biggest mistake I could have ever done. I didn't marry for love but for someone else's happiness. didn't matter how miserable I was I wanted him and his mom to be happy in her finally resting moments, that I stole the only perfect day I'm supposed to have in my life time and ruin it. Sucks that I've found the one I want to be with and share that moment with. but I have already ruined it forever. I guess with this dream me thinking about it kind of is upsetting to know I could have had the perfect wedding and been so happy with the right guy. I am scared know that i have been married I wont ever get the chance to have the day or wedding of my dreams. I am scared I wont have enough time on earth left to even make it to get a ring again let alone be married. I don't want to rush or express what I feel as I don't want to make my other half feel rushed or pushed to merry me. I know now that the man I am with doesn't ever want to merry and that is ok too. I just now more then ever realized i didn't just ruin my day marrying the wrong person. I ruined my life the moment I said I DO.I am always going to be the mistake someone made and the divorced girl that married for stupidity to make someone else happy. Now because of that I will always be a second choice. and a second attempt to find the happy girl inside me that is hidden in the darkness beneath my soul and my entire existence. I curse myself as I feel wrong to even want to be remarried and just change the past and forget it like it never happened. Is that so wrong ? just pretend it never happened and re do the day of my life that is supposed to be my ultimate hippieness of my future. I really do not know. my mind racing and pacing daily, millions of questions I do not have answers for and it really drives me nuts and stresses me out. I try not to think and It happens anyway. been working on a poem I wanted to share let me know what you think. if anyone has any insight on what they feel or think dreams mean feel free to share with me.

My feelings for you

sometimes I wonder how I feel about you,
scared of these feelings because its still new,
I catch myself thinking of the best way to share,
hoping you'll return my confusion, showing you care.
Then I catch my self again,
And drag my thoughts back to reality,
I am back at square one,
Does this just happen to me ?
Poems are so stupid I swear I would never do this
But this is YOU And you aren't like anyone I've ever met.
How much longer do I have to wait ?
Can I tell you yet ?when I come back from my thoughts
I feel more secure, but then I sleep,
And my dreams of you and past shit occurs
The dreams I have of you are so vivid and clear
I feel true happiness inside and that there is nothing to fear.
people say dreams have underlaying meanings
And not to ignore them
I say we both know what they mean
And know what I want to hear
Hear what I am about to say to you
Feel it with my body
See it in my face
Hear it in my voice and tone when we converse
I love you, I love you Ben Ruck
More then I ever thought I could
Be with me always
And be loved like you should.
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