| Kane is watches me as I fasten my seat belt. He knows me well enough to know that I have been crying but he does not say anything because he knows that I despise crying. I was always taught not to cry in public, that crying was a weakness, and that it should not be done. My father had taught me that. My father use to always get after me for being much too emotional.
Kane drives us back to the station so we can actually go home. Kane lets me know that dispatch has cleared us back to the station. I need to get to the apartment that Kane and I share. I need to get out of this uniform, I need to take a long hot shower, and I need to get into my pajamas. I need to eat something small and I need to get some sleep. I glance over at Kane and he gives me a warm, beautiful smile.
Salim Palmer, our medic supervisor, comes over to the ambulance as Kane turns off the vehicle. Somehow Kane is okay with Logan’s case but he was not working on the boy. Kane did not feel the boy slip away from life into death. I did feel the grips of death reach for the boy and I did not like it. I am not comfortable with all of this and I do not think I can deal with it. I climb out of the ambulance slowly for my body aches all over. My body aches right down to the bone. I over did it and I pushed my body beyond its limits. I did not want to give up on Logan, I was refusing to let him go, and I was fighting the dark angel of death. I lost the battle unfortunately and Logan died basically in my arms. I feel guilty and I only wish I could change the fact that Logan died. I want the poor guy alive and I wish he could be with his friends and family.
Salim approaches Kane and I and Salim has known our little secret for a long time now. Kane and I are dating, we have been a couple for five years now, but we never speak about it at work. As far as everyone is concerned Kane and I are just really close friends and this is how Kane and I want it. Kane and I really do not rumors flying about the station.
Salim can see that Kane is processing the case well. Salim knows me very well for we are incredibly close friends and he knows me well enough to know that I am having a difficult time with Logan’s case. It is not natural that a sixteen year old boy has died and this disturbs me. Salim gives me a hug and he says that he has reviewed my report that was electronically entered into the system the moment that I hit save and my report can be viewed by those in charge instantly. Salim says that I have done everything possible and I had gone beyond the call of duty for Logan. Salim says that he is proud of me for doing what I did in the field and he praises me for it.
I am near tears again as I reply, “Salim, this conversation is not bringing back the boy. I did everything I could and my best was just not good enough.”
“Jace, there are things that we just don’t understand. I know you did excellent work but sometimes we lose that fight. Unfortunately people have to die. I hate to be telling you this.”
I snap, “How can this be okay?”
“It can’t be okay but things do happen. We have cases that cannot be controlled. Logan’s injuries were too severe to be controlled plus he had third degree burns over his entire body. If he lived he would only face brutal issues and I know you would not want that for him.”
“I don’t believe that Salim. Logan was young, he would have recovered, and I am sure he would not suffer any permanent damage.”
“Jace, I think you need to see the company’s therapist. I think that would be a really good idea.”
“I don’t need a therapist, Salim. I am not crazy.”
“I’m not saying you are crazy but I am ordering you to go see this man.”
I am firm as I say, “I will not be attending any of these so called sessions.”
“Yes, you will go. You have no choice, Jace.”
I demand, “Why?”
Kane buts in, “I’ll go with you Jace. This is really no big deal. We all need a little help once in a while and if that means a little therapy than that’s fine.”
I am fuming, “Absolutely not! I don’t need any extra help. I just need a few days off just to process this whole thing. I swear I will be fine.”
Salim says, “It is more than that.”
I control my voice which is difficult to do, “You called Salim didn’t you, Kane?”
Kane admits, “Yes, I did.”
“Why the hell would you do that?”
Kane replies, “It was an extremely traumatic case and I could see how much it affected you.”
“I will be fine. It will just take a little time but I am really okay with this.”
Kane glares at me, “That’s bullshit Jace.”
Salim speaks up at this point, “I can see you are not physically fine. You have to go to see this therapist. His name is Taylor Zeal.”
I am firm as I speak, “No.”
“This is not a request, Jace. It is an order and you must do this. I cannot stress this enough.”
I am more than demanding, “Why?”
Salim is trying to be understanding, “Because I have to play by the book on matters such as these.”
“I don’t want to go.”
Salim quietly says, “If you don’t go you will be suspended without pay. We all know you don’t want that to happen.”
I fold my arms across my chest, “This is coming from the higher us, isn’t it?”
Salim says, “Yes it is. I am really sorry Jace but this is what they want and I have to enforce it.”
I give in, “Fine, I will do it. Arguing with you on this issue is pointless because it isn’t your fault.”
Salim says, “Good.”
I ask Salim and I feel defeated, “When and what time do I have to meet with this therapist?”
Salim says, “Tomorrow at ten in the morning.”
I know Salim already told me but I forgot, “What is this guy’s name?”
Salim replies, “Taylor Zeal.”
“Where is this hack located?”
Salim shakes his head as he says, “Eighty Warren Street. Remember you cannot return to work until I receive his faxed report. Okay?”
I am stubborn as I say, “It has to be okay. I will go just to please the higher ups but I am not going to like going to this guy.”
“I don’t care if you like it or not Jace you just have to go to this appointment.”
I reply, “I promise I will go and I will bring Kane with me.”
Kane and I swipe our ID’s so we can punch ourselves out of work. We climb into Kane’s royal blue SUV carefully for the both of us are extremely sore. We are leaving my car here until the morning for I am not up to driving. Kane drives us directly to the apartment that we share and I can barely keep my eyes open. Kane and I have been living together for a little over a year now and we have been dating for five years.
Kane and I work together, we live together, and we spend the majority of our time with each other. Most people would get sick of each other doing this but not Kane and I. We are best friends first and then we are lovers. I believe this is how it should be. Any relationship should always be based on friendship first then the romantic end of it just might come into play. I do love Kane to death but at the moment I am feeling a little more than betrayed by him. I am pissed off at Kane for not giving me a few days to deal with this case and telling Salim that I am not doing well right away. I know that Kane knows why I am upset with him. I do not get this upset just over nothing.
I honestly do not want to be seeing this therapist person, Taylor Zeal. I am not thrilled about this whole idea but I did make a promise to Kane and Salim that I would go to this appointment. I always keep my word which can be a bad thing at times. Kane will be joining me for this session so I know that I will be fine because he is there with me. I trust Kane and I know he will keep me safe from any potential threats. Is there a potential for danger by seeing this therapist? Absolutely not, but I am just being a little paranoid, and this can get me into trouble. I do have issues with trust though. It is very difficult for me to trust somebody and it usually takes me a long time to make the leap of trusting someone.
I really do not want to go to this appointment alone and this is why Kane will be coming with me. I believe this is why Kane offered to come with me for I do not trust people easily. Seeing this Taylor Zeal and attempting to trust him is no different than meeting some Tom, Dick, or Harry off the street. I am thankful that Kane will attend and he will sit in on the appointment with me. I know Kane would do anything for me and I also know for a fact that he will keep me safe. I am always mindful of what I ask Kane to do for me because I know whatever it is that I ask for I usually get. So I tend not to ask for too much for Kane is very good to me and I respect him for this.
Kane and I eat our dinner in complete and total silence, we had
a really rough day, and I just do not feel up to any type of conversation. My mind is not turning off and it keeps replaying Logan’s case over and over again. After dinner Kane and I amble on into the living room after the kitchen is all cleaned.
Our joints are more than a little stiff. We watch some popular comedy show on the television but it does not help my mood any. I was hoping that watching something funny would help but that failed miserably. I wish I could just snap out of this funk that I am in but I just cannot do it no matter how hard that I try. I lay my head on Kane’s right shoulder. I need to feel him, I need to feel Kane’s warm body, and Kane glances at me and he smiles warmly. I snuggle closer to Kane and he puts his arm around me. By eleven o’clock at night I cannot keep my eyes open any longer. I go into the bedroom and I climb into the bed. Kane will be in soon for he is into some criminal thriller that he found on one of the movie channels that we have. I snuggle down into the bed as my eyes close and the cold darkness engulfs me.