| I bring our dinner up to the apartment after spending close to forty-five dollars. Kane eats as quick as he can so he can get back to watching the television. I eat slowly so I do not get sick. I still get nauseous when I eat anything, it does not matter what I eat, and I just will get sick if I eat too much. Since Logan died my appetite has gone downhill and most time I just do not want to be bothered with eating. It is what it is and I can only try to force myself to eat or to eat when my stomach finally rumbles.
Kane has eaten his whole sub where I ate about a quarter of mine and a few onion rings. Kane is growing more and more concerned about me even though I tell him I am fine. Kane has noticed that I have lost weight and Kane does not think this is a good thing. I confirm that I have lost weight, it is only ten pounds, but this worries Kane. Kane keeps saying that I cannot afford to lose any more weight for I am thin enough.
Kane and I have the day off and I am thankful for this. Kane does not want to get out of bed and I try pleading with him. Kane also refuses to eat no matter what I say or offer him. I am getting more and more frustrated with Kane the more that he refuses my offerings. I then decide to leave him alone for a little while.
I take Zeus, who is growing like a little weed, to the field next to the apartment building. I unhook Zeus who runs wild and free around the field and I laugh as he walks up to me after fifteen minutes of running. I take out his tennis ball and Zeus goes crazy with his barking and jumping. I toss the ball for Zeus and he chases it like a mad man. Zeus gets the ball, he understands that he is to bring the ball back to me, but he does not drop it. Dropping the ball after bringing it back to me is over his head at the moment but I know that he will quickly learn this command. After a couple of hours I hook Zeus on his leash and we walk back up to the apartment.
Back at the apartment Kane is finally out of bed and he has made a pot of coffee for the both of us. I pour myself a cup of the strong black liquid and I join Kane at the kitchen table. Coffee is a staple in both Kane and my life, we live for it, and if I were to stop drinking it I would have major withdrawal symptoms. The stronger the coffee is the better.
Kane yawns loudly and he stretches his body in the chair. I look deep into Kane’s beautiful sky blue eyes. I can see the pain, the horror, and the hurt that is there. Kane is the type of man that does not really like talking about things that really bother him. Kane thinks it is a weakness if he does talk about the pain or discomfort so I generally do not discuss or push things like this with him because I know he can be sensitive.
Today, I am more than determined that we are going to talk about this whole situation, even though Kane does not feel like talking about it. I can be very stubborn when I want to be and this is one of those stubborn moments that I am having. Kane stands up and I order him to sit back down. Kane glares at me and I glare right back. I am not going to take any of his bullshit and I am going to get him to talk no matter what it takes.
I plead with Kane, “Please talk to me, Kane.”
Kane sits down and says, “I’m fine, really I am.”
I calmly reply, “No, you’re not.”
Kane asks, “Am I that easy to read?”
I lovingly say, “I can see the trouble and despair in your eyes.”
Kane stubbornly says, “Talking for me never helps and you know this.”
I am firm, “Talking does help, trust me, and that is what you told me when I didn’t want to go see Taylor.”
Kane angrily says, “I am not talking about this.”
I am just as angry, “Kane, I am also the type that does not want to talk about something that bothers me.”
Kane says, “I highly doubt that talking will help me.”
I do not demand but I am just suggesting, “It does help and you do know that it does. It is either that you talk to me or you talk to Taylor. It is your choice.”
Kane says, “Honey, I don’t know about this whole thing. Seeing Taylor is not an option. I am just upset, no particular reason, I am just angry.”
I fold my arms across my chest, “Look I know it is about that child case that we had yesterday. This is why you are depressed.”
Kane growls because I keep pushing the issue, “I am not depressed. I am just a little down is all.”
I insist, “Yes you are depressed and yes it is about that child.”
Kane makes a demand, “I told you I don’t want to talk about this fucking issue.”
I say calmly, “The best thing is to talk about it and not hold something like this in because it has already started to haunt you.”
Kane starts to speak, “Jace …”
I am firm as I say, “No Kane, we are going to discuss this, I want to be there for you like you were for me.”
Kane asks, “You are not going to give this up are you?”
I stubbornly say, “Of course not. I won’t give up for I of all people know how important it is to talk about things and you know how stubborn I can be. I love you Kane but I will not let you go down the depression path. Do you understand me?”
Kane confesses, “Yes this is about the little boy.”
I reply, “Some parents are just assholes. They don’t care about themselves so how can they care about anyone else?”
Kane asks me, “Why the hell was she driving? She was totally shattered.”
I say, “We both know that those who are drunk don’t always make the best choices. They think they are fine and that they can conquer the world.”
Kane asks, “But why? Why did this have to happen to that poor little one?”
I reply, “Getting more alcohol was more important than her child was. I know I don’t agree with that either. I think she was very selfish.”
Kane is desperate for real solid answers, “The car seat wasn’t even belted in.”
I state, “The baby wasn’t even belted into the car seat. If he was belted into the car seat like he should have been he would have the car seat with him besides the car seat was not securely fastened to the passenger seat.”
Kane is disgusted, “This whole thing makes me sick. I would never do that. Being a parent is the most rewarding job that there is.”
I say, “It makes me sick too.”
Kane is trying to piece this all together but he cannot do it at this moment in time, “Plus the mother didn’t even ask how her baby was when she was being questioned. What the fuck? What type of parent is she?”
I reply, “Like I said, some people are simply assholes, and they don’t care about anyone except for themselves. Then there are those people who are totally self absorbed.”
Kane says, “I hear where you are coming from but I don’t know if I can believe that right now. I think you can control these impulses.”
I am being extremely judgmental as I say, “I really hate it when these cases involve children. The parents are always nasty and the majority of these parents are either on some kind of drug or drunk out of their mind. I just cannot stand it anymore.”
Kane says, “I know what you mean but all we can do is try to help these people the best way that we can. I would love to help them all too.”
I reply, “You know I want to have children with you when the time is right. That is my ultimate goal so I am really child sensitive.”
Kane smiles, “I know you do, babe, we will have children I can promise you that, and we will be awesome parents.”
I say with feeling, “I just cannot stand the abuse and the torture that these little ones have to endure day in and day out.”
Kane voices, “We will have a biological child but I would also like to adopt a couple of children as well.”
I think Kane is such a wonderful man, “I would like that a lot.”
I reach across the table and I take one of Kane’s hands into mine. I want to let Kane know that I am there for him. Kane always takes child cases extremely hard and so do I. This moment is not about me but it is about Kane. I need to be strong for Kane like he always is for me. I want to take care of Kane like he takes care of me. Kane usually doesn’t like when I look after him for he is such a man and he thinks he must be strong in every single situation. Kane says he is the man and as the man he must take care of me and I just smile as I jokingly reply that behind every good man is a great woman. I let go of Kane’s hand and I encourage him to follow me and I lead him into the bathroom. I help him remove his pajamas and I remove my own clothes.
I help Kane into the hot shower and I wash him from head to toe. I soap him up and have him rinse off. I gently wash his hair and he rinses that clean as well. We step out of the shower, both feeling like a million bucks, and I gently and lovingly dry Kane off. I want to help him shave but he will not let me do that for him. Kane seems to be so tired and I help him put on his charcoal gray boxers and a white tank top.
I lead Kane into the bedroom and I help Kane into the bed and I crawl in next to him. This is where we will spend the rest of the day, in bed and watching television, and Zeus leaps up into the bed with us and he is happy to have bed time with both Kane and I. I smile for Zeus lays right between Kane and I and his tail thuds a mile a minute as he places his head on my shoulder. I look at Zeus and I swear the dog is smiling up at me. I am patting Zeus and I turn over to look at Kane and he is already sleeping soundly.