| Once Kane is sleeping peacefully I go into the living room. I turn on the television and find a horror movie that looks interesting. I dial the number for Garden Palace and I order Chinese food for both Kane and I. As I wait for the food I set the table and I take Zeus out for a quick bathroom break. As I am about to enter the apartment building the Chinese food arrives. I pay the middle aged Asian man and I give him a decent tip. I bring Zeus and the food up to the apartment. Kane is still sleeping soundly and he is snoring away.
I enter the bedroom and I kiss Kane on the forehead to wake him up. Kane does not even stir. Kane slowly comes out of dreamland after I call his name. I let Kane know that I ordered Chinese food and Kane tries to flake out on eating. I knew Kane would pull this not eating bullshit so I remind him of his earlier promise to eat something. Kane finally agrees to eat something and I relax.
After dinner Kane and I take Zeus out for a long walk. Zeus loves being outside and he loves to explore his surroundings. Zeus also loves to sniff the doggie bulletin board as we walk. The doggie bulletin board is anywhere another dog has peed and Zeus has to leave his own message. I explain this to Kane who only laughs at me and my imagination. Kane wonders where Zeus stores all of his pee for he always pees on something. I just shake my head for only Kane would actually wonder this.
We have walked a mile and a half when we finally turn around and head back to the apartment. As we are stepping off of the elevator and Kane’s cell phone rings. It is Mark, the police chief, and he wants to ask Kane and I a few more questions about Hope. Kane puts Mark on speaker phone so I can hear what Mark has to ask. As we enter the apartment, Kane announces that he has him on speaker phone, and he can ask his questions. Mark apologizes for calling us so late in the evening. Kane says that it is fine and that it is no problem. For Kane wants to know everything that is going on with this Hope Williams girl. Kane wants to know these things so he can process them or so I assume. I do not blame Kane for I want to know all the details about Hope as well.
Mark says, “It is perfect that you have kept all these records for we have been able to confront Hope and we know when she is lying to us.”
Kane says, “Hope gave me no choice, Mark. I had to call the police. She is harassing us and I do not like this. Hope is causing all kinds of problems. She is trying to drive a wedge between Jace and I.”
Mark asks, “How is Jace handling this situation?”
Kane says, “Good so far. Jace is strong and she is standing by me.”
Mark says, “That’s really good.”
Kane asks, “So what is Hope saying now? I mean she keeps changing her story every other minute.”
I pipe up, “I want to know what this little girl is saying as well. I don’t like what she is doing to Kane and I. I want to know her motive for all of this bullshit. Hope cannot get away with this and I refuse to let her.”
Mark says, “Hope is stating at the moment that you guys are harassing her, that you are following her, and she wants it all to stop.”
I am alarmed by Hope’s statement, “She’s lying!”
Mark responds, “Relax, I know she is lying. Salim and Kane have kept exceptional records on this matter.”
Kane demands, “What else is she saying?”
Mark says, “Hope is also claiming that you and her have slept together. I do realize that this never happened. I also know that you have filed multiple sexual harassment reports against her.”
Kane says, “I know I have. This is just so fucking frustrating. This girl is really getting under my skin.”
Mark replies, “I understand.”
Kane says, “So why does she think she can do this to Jace and I?”
Mark says, “Hope will not get away with any of this, Kane. Hope thinks she found someone that will not fight back but she is dead wrong. Kane you are doing everything right so don’t you worry about that.”
I ask, “What do we do now?”
Mark replies, “Try to relax and let us, the police, take it from here.”
I ask another question, “Are you sure about all of this Mark?”
Mark says, “Yes, we are one hundred percent sure about this case. You and Kane will be perfectly safe.”
I ask, “Will she get off or will Hope get jail time?”
Mark replies, “I know this judge personally and he does not take kindly to cases like these. Hopefully Hope will get the jail time that she deserves. I highly doubt she will get off.”
I ask another question, “Will he take Kane’s reports seriously?”
Mark smiles, “Yes, he always takes accurate reports seriously, especially ones that have been accurately reported and not after the fact.”
Kane asks, “Really?”
Mark says, “Judge Jasper Holden takes everything very seriously and he is firm with his decisions. The judge is also a really a nice guy to those who are innocent and have done the right things.”
Kane worries, “That’s good to know Mark but I have Jace and Zeus to worry about.”
Mark is serious, “We will keep all of you safe and we will keep you all posted on what is going on.”
Kane says, “Okay, please do, Mark.”
Kane hangs up his cell phone and he looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes. I can see the fierce protection in his eyes and I know what he is thinking. Kane will not let anything happen to Zeus or I. Kane loves us too much to let something happen to us. I also know he is furious at Hope for pulling all of this shit and for showing up at our home. I hate seeing Kane like this, he is going to be on hyper alert now because of what Hope pulled today, but it also makes me feel safe. I touch Kane’s left arm and I break whatever spell he was under.
Kane suggests another walk and Zeus scurries to get his leash for walk is another word he understands. Zeus is too smart for his own good. Kane forgot to spell out the word ‘walk’ so now we have to go for this walk because Zeus is standing there by the door with his leash in his mouth and he is wagging his tail. We cannot disappoint the poor puppy just because we forgot to spell out the word ‘walk’. I really do not mind going out for another walk because it gets us out of this apartment for a while and we do not have to think about Hope.
Kane places Zeus on his leash and we ride down to the first floor in the elevator. Zeus tries to hold his own leash as he walks, I usually let him hold his leash for Zeus never leaves my side, but Kane will not do this. Kane is too afraid to let Zeus be free and Zeus gives up on having Kane let him hold his own leash and settles on giving Kane dirty looks. Zeus also does not always listen to Kane like he listens to me. All I have to do is say ‘hey’ and Zeus is back at my side. I do not know how I trained him to walk beside me without leaving my side but this is what he does. We walk for hours around town and soon shops begin to close for the night. Kane and I turn around to go home and we mention home to Zeus who perks up. I wonder if Zeus is as tired as we are. Kane and I get back to the apartment with Zeus and we realize we have been out walking around for a solid four and a half hours.
I feed Zeus and give him plenty of water. Kane and I then change into our pajamas. We turn the television on in our bedroom and we climb into bed. Kane and I just get comfortable when a golden rocket leaps into the air and onto the bed. I start laughing and so does Kane for Zeus is smiling and wagging his tail like a propeller. Zeus loves to cuddle with us, he loves to cuddle with me especially for we have the deepest bond, not that Zeus does not love Kane for he does it is just they do not have the same bond that Zeus and I have, and Kane knows this.
I wake up and Kane is not there and Zeus is missing as well. I figure that Kane took Zeus out for a walk. I get up and I make a full pot of coffee. I wash Zeus’s bowls and dry them. I give him fresh water and food. I am sitting at the kitchen table with my first cup of coffee when Kane comes in with Zeus. Zeus, my six month old baby, attacks his food and his water. I shake my head for he still puts his paw into his water bowl and he drinks it this way Zeus has never grown out of this and I doubt he ever will. Zeus is finished eating and drinking so I tell him to sit and I say paw. Zeus always gives me his wet paw so I can dry it off.
I go into the living room and suggest that we go get breakfast and Kane declares he is not hungry. I glare at Kane for a moment. I know he is hungry for I heard his stomach growl and I wonder why he should lie about hunger? Ever since the toddler died Kane has not been hungry or so he says. Okay this hunger strike has got to stop and I tell him so for it is starting to drive me off the wall. Kane is not happy about this but I take the keys from the counter, where we keep our keys, and I firmly say for him to get into the freaking car. I say we are going to have breakfast, that he is going to eat something, and I confidently say that this is final. I am not going to listen to Kane’s excuses for not wanting to eat. Kane looks a little shocked for I have never taken this tone of voice with him. Kane gets up and he puts a sweat shirt on and he follows me out to the car. Kane is sulking, he really does not want to be going any place, but he is doing this because I know he needs to get out and I also know he must eat.
I drive us to our favorite breakfast place that is called Scrambled and we order our breakfast. Kane orders a bagel with a side of hash as I order scrambled eggs, home fries, bacon, and toast. I cannot believe how hungry I am. I wish I could order everything on the menu but I think what I have already ordered is going to be enough. Our coffee comes and we sip the hot, black liquid. Kane is very quiet and he has been for days.
Kane is normally a quiet guy but this is really starting to concern me. I have never seen Kane this quiet in all the time I have known him. We have had really rough calls before and we will have them again. But this mood of Kane’s has got to stop. I know it took me six weeks to process Logan’s case and it has been a little over a month since Kane’s case with the toddler who passed away and Kane still has yet to snap out of this funk. I was depressed but Kane has this depression thing a lot worse than I did. Kane really has to process this and soon because it is starting to affect every aspect of his life and that is not a good thing.
I say, “Kane?”
Kane says, “Yes?”
I am not going to give Kane much choice in this matter, “I think you might need to see Taylor.”
Kane quietly snaps, “I do not need his help, Jace. I can do this on my own.”
I respond in a no nonsense tone of voice, “No, you can’t do this by yourself. I am really nervous about you and what you have been doing. Kane, you are more than depressed, anxious, and I have noticed you are becoming more and more paranoid. You also hardly eat. I am really worried about you.”
Kane growls at me and he tries to intimidate me with his eyes which is not gonna work, “I’m fine.”
I am upset so my tone of voice is more than firm, “It has been over a month now. This has to stop and I mean it.”
Kane says, “I am really okay, Jace. It will take me a little time to bounce back but I will be fine.”
I am no nonsense at the moment, “You have had enough time doing it your way. Now you are going to try it my way.”
Kane snaps at me, “Stop telling me what to do!”
I say, “I am tired of this, Kane. I am getting more pissed off as time passes us by.”
Kane glares at me, “So fucking what?”
I am taken aback by Kane’s response but I do not show it, “You really don’t care do you.”
Kane says, “I do care but you are always harping on me about shit.”
I say, “Honey, I really think you should speak to Taylor, but I’m not going to argue with you. I am just going to talk to Salim.”
Kane says, “I am right and you know it that is why you will not argue with me.”
Oh dear God Kane is on a roll right now, “I will not threaten but I will promise that if you don’t snap out of this funk that you are in then I will have to make dramatic choices. I am sick of this roller coaster that you are on and you are now dragging me on it too.”
Kane replies, “I’m not going to see Taylor. I really do not need his help. I can really do this on my own.”
I am snippy, “And you say I’m stubborn.”
Kane states, “I am not seeing Taylor and that is final.”
I say, “Well there will be dramatic changes that will be made.”
Kane wonders, “And what are those?”
I spit, “I will let you know.”
After breakfast Kane and I go home and we take a hot shower. Kane and I dress in our uniforms for we have to work the three to eleven shift because a crew called in sick. It doesn’t bother me that we have to work but Kane is acting so freaky about going in and I really do not understand why. I take Zeus out and I let him run wild in the field as I toss the tennis ball around for him. I love my time with Zeus for he is just the sweetest thing. Zeus also saved me. I was so depressed after Logan passed away that I needed something to love and something to show me unconditional love. I am not saying that Kane does not show me all of this but I needed to take care of something and be like a mother and Zeus fills this void.
I go back to the apartment with Zeus trotting beside me. Kane and I are ready to leave and I tell Zeus to be a good boy and I smile fondly at my little guy. Kane and I leave for work. I am driving and Kane just stares out the window. Kane is angry with me because I want him to see Taylor. I told Kane how I felt and made a reasonable request but he does not think so. I think to myself that Kane can be mad at me all he wants for all I want to do is care for him. Kane is being difficult which makes me crazy so I tend to ignore him when he is in one of these moods.
Kane and I arrive at the station fifteen minutes early and Kane says he will meet me at the ambulance. I nod my head in response to what he just told me. Kane goes directly to Salim’s office to talk to him about some private matter. I wonder what this is all about but I figure Kane will discuss this whole issue with me at a later time. I do not like this whole privacy thing for Kane is starting to keep secrets and I thought we were supposed to have no secrets between us. I start cleaning and stocking the ambulance and I am being anal as usual. I am stepping out of the ambulance to retrieve some supplies when Salim approaches me and my gut screams that this is not going to be good conversation. Salim has me stop what I am doing and we lean against the ambulance and I can read the concern on his face and I am confused.
Salim asks me, “Jace, has Kane discussed with you what he is doing? The decision that he is making?”
I look at Salim and I sigh, “What has he done now?”
Salim says, “Kane just quit and he gave no notice.”
I gasp, “He did what?”
Salim says, “Yes, he just quit.”
I demand, “Where the fuck is he?”
Salim appears to be on the confused side, “He is waiting for you by the car.”
I am furious, “He knew you would tell me and that I would come to him?”
Salim says, “I guess. Kane is just acting so weird now and I don’t know what to do about this whole thing.”
I confess, “I know. I am at my wits end too.”
Salim says, “There is nobody for you to work with you tonight, Jace, so you can take the night off. It would be good for you and maybe you can talk some sense into Kane about this whole thing.”
I say, “I will do what I can but I can’t promise anything.”
“I know. Good luck with the talk.”
I leave the station, I am baffled by Kane’s actions, and I see Kane leaning against the car with his arms folded across his chest. I am irritated and I order Kane into the car. Kane is attempting to manipulate me and I do not like this. I can barely look at him never mind talk to him.
I drive us home and silently I change into sweat pants and a sweat shirt. I take Zeus out to the field so he can run around and I can think about what I need to do. I know Kane wanted to talk to me before I left the apartment but I did not give him a chance. I cannot even look at Kane never mind talk to him but I know I have to have a conversation with him. I just need some time to digest what is going on in Kane’s freaking mind and I need to process my own feelings about this whole mess and I need to process my feelings about Kane. Kane, the man I love, is distant from me now and I do not like this. Kane is keeping secrets and I do not like that either.
I know I upset Kane when I told him I did not want to talk to him right now for I never tell him that he has to wait. Kane is nothing but a spoiled brat and he is acting like a child right now. I cannot give into this shit. I cannot be his captive audience for these fucking mental games that he is playing. I leave the apartment and I had been talking to Zeus who listens to my every word that I say.
I am so frustrated with Kane at the moment. Instead of quitting he should have talked to me first. I would not stop him from actually quitting but all I am asking is to know about these major decisions before he makes them. I just want to know why he was doing this, I want to know what is going through his mind, and I thought he loved being a paramedic like I love the job. I just wanted a heads up about what is happening but I did not get that heads up. I did not get the respect that I deserve. I also had an on the job traumatic experience. I did not quit even though I thought about it for a brief period of time. I hung in there, I was strong, and I kept pushing forward after Logan died.
I thought I knew Kane, I thought I knew him to his very core, but obviously I do not. I have been trying to help Kane through this but he keeps rejecting me at every turn and this is really starting to piss me off. Once Zeus and I are in the apartment, I find Kane laying on the couch dozing off to some insane talk show, and I lose control of my anger.
I yell, “I have had it!”
Kane wonders, “What’s with the attitude, Jace?”
I demand, “You get up off your freaking ass and we are going to talk.”
Kane says, “I am sick of talking. There is nothing to talk about.”
I am trying to gain control of my anger but I cannot do that at the moment, “Oh you are so wrong buddy. You are going to talk to me whether you like it or not.”
Kane still does not understand what is happening here, “Why are you so upset?”
I am pushing Kane and I do not care, “I have had enough of this sulking around and the depression. I doubt it is that bad and I think you are just acting.”
Kane is insensitive, “I’m not acting about anything. You just don’t understand.”
When Kane said that I do not understand I lose my mind, “When I was going through the loss of Logan you kept me moving and going. You did not let the depression over power me. You would not leave me alone and you were right.”
Kane says, “So what?”
I fight for calmness, “Now you are letting the depression control you, Kane. I have had enough of this bullshit. I have been trying and trying and you have done nothing to help yourself. I have tried to understand, I am still trying to understand you, and you keep pushing me away. I just cannot deal with you anymore.”
Kane raises his voice out of frustration, “What the hell are you talking about, Jace?”
I growl, “You and your behavior. You are falling apart on me.”
Kane yells at me, “This is not about you.”
I say, “I know it isn’t about me you nut case, but you are letting all this control you, and I do not like seeing you this way.”
Kane lowers his voice, “I am not letting anything control me.”
I am firm as I say for I have made my decision, “Understand this, Kane, either you snap out of this shit or Zeus and I leave.”
Without a single thought Kane replies, “So go. I really don’t care either way.”
I am shocked he said that, “Really?”
Kane says, “It doesn’t really matter to me.”
I snap once again, “Once I walk through that door it is over between us. I don’t want to see you and I don’t want to speak to you. Do you understand any of what I just said?”
Kane replies, “Of course I understand and so fucking what?”
I say, “You really are a piece of trash. I should have known this before now but I just didn’t want to believe it. You covered things up for a while there but true colors always shine through.”
I go into the bedroom and I pack a couple of duffel bags. Then I pack things for Zeus that he will need. I stop by the living room and tears are in my dark gray eyes. I have been betrayed I think to myself. Kane has wounded me and I actually hate him for this. I gaze at Kane who is lying on the couch with his eyes closed.
I do not tell Kane where Zeus and I are going but I do say that he can call me on my cell phone when he is ready to make some changes in his life but I doubt Kane will call me any time soon. I do not really care if he calls me or not. He has hurt me beyond belief and I really do not think I want him calling me at all. I leave the apartment on that thought and I take my car and I drive over to Lincoln Heights Motel. I rent a room for two weeks, I do not know how long this will last with Kane, but I needed to get out of that apartment and I needed to get out of there as soon as I could. I need to live a semi normal life, I want peace, and I do not want to be walking around on egg shells.
Kane is not doing well and I needed to save myself from all the freaking drama. I need to make some phone calls but they can wait a while. I need to gather my thoughts and feelings. My heart is breaking at the moment. I have spent five years with the same man and he has always acted a little weird but I use to find that endearing. Now I look back on the last five years I cannot believe I have not seen it before. Kane has always kept more than a few secrets from me.
I glance down at Zeus once we are in our room and he does not seem to be bothered by any of this. I know Zeus is smarter than this and I believe he knows what is happening. I also think Zeus is being strong for me which is very noble of him. I am so upset that I actually break down in tears. I cannot hold the tears back any longer and I just cannot help it. I loved Kane with all my heart and soul and seeing him do this to himself hurts me deeply. Plus I sense that there is more to the story than just him letting himself rot in complete hell.
I know this is not all about me but I had to do something drastic to shake Kane up a little bit. I was hoping that he would ask me to stay, I never expected Kane to be so cruel, and I am crushed by this. I sit on the motel’s bed and Zeus leaps up onto the bed next to me. Zeus is licking my tears away which makes me cry even harder. I hug Zeus tight and he leans into me and I know I have a loyal friend that would never leave me no matter what. I get a hold of myself, I can control the tears now, and when I can talk again I call Salim on his cell phone.
Salim says hoarsely, “Hello?”
I identify myself, “It’s Jace.”
Salim asks in a gentle tone of voice, “Did you talk to Kane?”
I choke up a little but I quickly cover it up, I do not want Salim to know that I was crying, “I tried to talk to him but I failed miserably. I am staying at Lincoln Heights Motel at the moment.”
Salim is shocked, “What the hell are you doing there?”
I reply, “I threatened Kane.”
Salim is surprised, “You did what? What did you say to him? Are you okay?”
I say, “I said if he didn’t make some changes in his life and make them fast that I would leave him and then Kane told me to leave.”
Salim says, “Kane is never like this. What is going on with him?”
I reply, “I wish I knew Salim. I am now questioning our whole relationship.”
Salim says, “That’s understandable. Where is Zeus?”
I say, “He’s with me. I don’t trust Kane to feed him or to give him fresh water or to walk him.”
Salim is relieved, “Okay that’s good that you have him. He needs you like you need him.”
I smile a little as I look at my constant companion, “Zeus has been my savior.”
Salim says, “I know he has been.”
I feel the heartache of the situation, “I just don’t understand all of this Salim. I don’t know what Kane is thinking.”
Kane asks, “Do you want me to talk to Kane?”
I bravely say, “No thank you Salim. I think I can handle this on my own. I don’t want Kane thinking I am weak. Kane needs to know I am strong and I mean what I say to him.”
Salim asks me, “What are you going to do?”
I say, “I will let a few days pass by and then I will talk to him. Kane needs a few days to process a few things I guess. I hope he processes things.”
Salim asks me, “Do you need some time off to deal with this issue?”
I reply, “Could I get a week or so off? I know that is a lot to ask since I had a six week leave of absence.”
Salim says, “Absolutely. I am surprised you are only asking for a week. The higher ups know you have PTSD so they won’t question more time off.”
I say, “Thank you Salim.”
I hang up the phone and my cell phone rings immediately. I glance at the caller ID and I fight the urge to answer it. Kane is attempting to call me and I think that it is too soon to talk with him. I do not want to speak to Kane right now anyhow. I am really pissed off that he could treat me like this and I am also still hurting. I feel like somebody has ripped out my heart and they have stomped on it. I let Kane’s call go to voicemail.
Kane has been my heart and soul for the last five years. I thought he respected me but I guess he does not. It was really my fault that this is all happening. I let Kane into my life, I let Kane get so close to me, and this is what makes it so hard to ignore him like this. Kane has been there for me for the last five years and I have been there for him as well. Kane obviously does not care about any of this. If he did care he would not be shutting me out like this. I am confused now because he is not letting me in. Kane is being a real asshole and I tell myself that he is not worth the tears that I have been crying. I really must be strong about this and I need to give it a rest.
I turn and look at Zeus. I ask him if he wants to go out for a nice, long walk and he leaps to his paws and he gets his leash. Zeus is too smart for his own good I think to myself but I am smiling. I take him down in the elevator for we are on the sixth floor of the motel. There is a little girl in the elevator whose name is Samantha, Samantha is with her mother, and she is giving Zeus love. Samantha is talking to Zeus in a sweet girlish voice. Samantha’s mother comments on how good Zeus is and that he is stunning looking. I thank her as we get off the elevator. I take Zeus for a long walk. I really must clear my head of all the drama that Kane has created and Zeus needs the exercise as well as I do.
When Zeus and I arrive back at the motel room I check my cell phone. There are more than several calls logged on the phone and they are all from Kane. There is one voicemail and I listen to the voicemail reluctantly. Kane says he did not mean what he had said to me to make me walk out on him and leave him high and dry. Kane says that he is willing to make the necessary changes and he begs for me to take him back. I want to call him and tell him I will be home within twenty minutes but my gut screams no, that I should not call him back. This is nothing more than manipulation on Kane's end. Something is very wrong here or so my gut is screaming. Kane is up to something and I do not know what it is. My gut stops me from calling Kane back. What I do not know is it is for my best interest.
At this point my mind jumps to Hope Williams. Was Kane telling the truth about her? Did Kane really sleep with her and this is why she is acting like this? Is this why Kane is acting so freaky? I do not want to think like this but this is a real possibility. I have to talk to Hope one on one. I call Mark Warren, the police chief, and I ask him if he is still holding Hope Williams in jail. Mark says Hope is still in the jail waiting for the judge to see her again.
When the judge sees her again he will make his decision on what to do with her. I ask Mark if I could set some time up to speak with her. Mark asks me if I am sure that I want to do this. I reply that I am positive. I also tell Mark that I have to talk with Hope for I have a lot of unanswered questions about her and Kane and Hope is the only one that can answer them. I also state that Kane is keeping secrets and he will not answer any of my questions that I have especially around Hope. I also need some peace of mind and I might get that peace of mind when I talk to Hope.