| I leave Taylor’s house and Salim is sitting in his car waiting for me. I climb into the car feeling a little safer than I did when I walked into Taylor’s house. I was with Taylor for almost two hours. I was concerned that Salim was waiting too long for me but he says he was only waiting for fifteen minutes. Salim takes me home and he declines when I invite him in for some coffee. Salim watches me enter my unit and I wave good bye and then I close my door. I lock my door as Zeus dances around me. I put on a pot of coffee and as it is brewing I take Zeus out for a quick walk. When Zeus and I get back to our unit I pour a cup of coffee. I sip the hot liquid and I force myself to try to relax which is not an easy thing to do.
I take my coffee into the living room and I turn on the television. Zeus sits on the couch next to me and we watch old comedy shows. Having Zeus here with me makes me feel a little safer. Zeus will protect me from any potential threats and I know this for a fact. Today has really been a bad day for me. Salim and Taylor say that I am safe and Kane cannot hurt me for he is in custody but I still feel uneasy. I do know that what I am feeling is completely natural and Taylor said this to me as well. It will be a while before I feel completely safe and secure again.
I really loved Kane with my whole heart and soul. I would have done anything for Kane. How stupid I was for trusting him but my heart still breaks for the loss of what we had. Was I not good enough for Kane? What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? I do know that there are loyal men out there in this world and I thought I had found one of those men. Obviously not, I did not find someone that was loyal, and I miss read all the signs Kane displayed. Kane was not loyal or faithful. I guess Kane just wanted it all and he finally got caught cheating. I regret trusting Kane and for letting him into my heart. I know that there is no good reason to regret, people should never have any regrets, but for some reason people do.
I really did not want to lose Kane but he hurt me emotionally. Kane did not deserve someone like me. Emotional pain seems to be the worst pain for there is nothing to take to make it all go away. Plus Kane did make an attempt to kill me. I did nothing to deserve this heartache but Kane seems to think I am the cause of all his agony. Logically I know I am not the cause of any of this but illogically I am blaming myself. Now I am feeling like I do not matter in this world. I do not want to hate Kane, I want to leave him behind, but I do despise him. At the moment it is hard to let him go. I had loved Kane so unconditionally and this is extremely dangerous for anybody to do. To love somebody so much that you are blind to everything else is not a good thing. Love sometimes is not enough to last.
I could never change Kane and that was proven to me when we lost the toddler. I could not shake Kane lose from the grips of depression and anger. I am just happy I left Kane when I did. In a strange way I saved myself from even more depression, anxiety, paranoia, and heartache. I am also fortunate that Kane does not know where I currently live. If he ever escaped he would have a hell of a time trying to find me. I never wanted to cry over any relationship and I never have until now. Did real love do that to you? Make you weak, to make you venerable, and make you hurt all over? If that is the case than I will swear all intimate relationships off. When love breaks it makes a booming sound as your heart splits in two.
I thought for a moment that if Kane did not try to physically harm me that I would give him another chance to redeem himself. But when he walked into work today and on to the ambulance I was working in, had plans to try to kill me for hurting him when he was the one who started all of this, but Kane never sees the facts as they should be. Kane always tries to twist things around and make me look like the bad guy. My only fault here is loving Kane and trusting him. I would always put Kane first and that is also wrong. You should always come first no matter what, you are important as well, and that is not being selfish. You need to care for yourself before you can take care of anyone else. I did not need to take this fall but I did and I am an emotional wreck over it. It is going to take time and a lot of therapy to get through this one.