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by Jolanh
Rated: 13+ · Fiction · Comedy · #2224466
It's got its freak on and stays freaky
Varaminta, (Yes, it's a real name) was sitting in her tiny college dorm. Men were on her mind, or the lack of them in her life. "Its been such a long time since a man took Bilbo Baggins down to my goblin tunnel." She said to herself. You know because we have to advance the damn plot somehow.

She changed into more revealing clothing. Her chest stuck out like the icy peaks of Hoth. Her tight thong rode up on her like Ghost Rider on his hell cycle. Her jeans hugged her tight butt. A person could bounce Mjolnir of those buns of steel. She grabbed her leather coat and headed off for a night on the town.

She found a club called Quiet Desperation. Varaminta found the name to be perfect and fit her situation to a tee. She opened her shirt and showed off her photon torpedos. The bouncers stared at them for a good five minutes. Varaminta was beamed over the velvet rope and into the club.

"Can you feel the Desperation?" the DJ shouted. The crowd screamed in return. "Here is the latest hit from the exterminators, where is the damn fly swatter." The techno beat started, and everyone wiggled like spaghetti noodles on the dance floor.

Varaminta walked through the sea of people looking for a man who could wield a lightsaber, hold his breath like the Hulk in space, and a tongue like Toad from the Brotherhood of evil mutants. He didn't need to be the man of steel, just parts of him did.

She was on her fifth Fearless Redneck, (Yes, its a real drink), when a man more handsome than Bruce Wayne, tapped her on the shoulder. He appeared by her side and whispered in her ear.

"Not to be too forward, but I would like to park my batmobile in your Batcave. I'll make sure Bruce Wayne is wearing the batsuit. We'll be a dynamic duo." He said. Varaminta was not in a position to be picky, so she went home with the handsome stranger.

He tore off her clothes, not there was much to tear off, to begin with, like wolverine with his adamantium claws tearing into soft flesh. She grabbed his wizard staff working her magic on it. The handsome stranger moaned like a wounded hound dog.

Like Nicholas Flamel, the handsome stranger went down and tasted her elixir of life. Her cauldron was ready to be vigorously mixed.

"You bring that Millenium Falcon to my spaceport. If you do a good job you can take a tour of the dark side of Endor."

He picked up his pace and blurred like the flash running back in time. Varaminta sounded like Chewbacca getting a colonoscopy. The handsome stranger sounded like King Kong with his foot caught in a bear trap.

The handsome stranger felt his web shooter was ready to go off. He Pulled the Batmobile out of her Jokers hideout. Varaminta eagerly tasted the stay puffed marshmallow essence. When she was done, he waved his wand around threw the blanket over Varaminta before taking off out the door.

Varaminta laid there heaving like Mountain troll wishing the handsome stranger had stayed.
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