A bubbly teenage girl gets an after-school job working as an assassin for rich clients
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EXT. BACK OF STRIP MALL
surrounded with leaky trash bags and broken glass.
GWEN (15) stands in the middle, wearing goth clothes, a
crookedly clipped on tie, and a super-duper excited smile.
She holds a flyer reading "HELP. WANTED. LOOKING FOR
TEENAGERS. YOU GET TO MAKE MONEY". She nods her head when
she realizes the address on it matches the one spray-painted
over the cellar stairs.
She pulls open the doors, but gets distracted by a moth
flying past and follows it instead.
Gwen halts her pursuit. It dawns on her that she's
distracted herself, again. She shakes her head like a dog to
regain focus, pulls her head up high and walks down the
INT. BOB'S OFFICE - DAY
A rusty, leaky cellar. Boxes with weapons poking out
BOB (40s), with hair decades older than him, sits at his
lone desk on the far end. He fills out a brightly-colored
form labeled "FAXILL'S GUIDE TO FORGING A DEATH CERTIFICATE"
The fucking bullshit I gotta waste
my time with, just so some rich
prick upstairs can save a few bucks
by hiring teenagers.
GWEN proudly waltzes in, but loses focus, again. The source
of her amazement, this time, are the brightly colored
promotional posters filling the dark room. They contain
images of happy people carrying assault rifles and phrases
such as "RUTHLESSLY DEFENDING YOUR BRAND" and "HAVE
SATISFIED CUSTOMERS, AGAINST ALL ODDS"
Holy Shit! Officer look I didn't...
Gwen tilts her head, confused.
Oh, Oh! You're here for the
interview. Thank god. So, why
don't you take a seat?
She scampers towards him, plops herself onto the chair and
grabs hold of his desk.
Gwen! Elizabeth Adams!
She pulls out her cheese-dust covered resume.
I get really good grades, and I do
a whole bunch of after school stuff
and I volunteer a lot which makes
me a really really good person
who'd be super duper amazing for...
whatever job this is.
In her eagerness, she unintentionally lets go of the desk
causing the chair to slowly swivel out of control. She
figures out the chair's moving when she's no longer facing
Bob. Desperate, she flails her arms, searching for an
anchor, which only makes the chair move faster.
Bob is shocked. He glances away from the free entertainment
to take a peak at her resume and is surprised by how
impressive it actually is.
He looks back at Gwen, who has just regained hold of the
desk. She puffs in victory.
(under his breath)
Fuck it! I'm not wasting my life
waiting for a good applicant.
He pulls out a job offer from his desk labeled: "FAXILL:
HITMAN" and hands it to Gwen.
So Gwen, would you be interested
Wait, what? You're not going to at
least look at the paper in your
She reads it with all her might.
Wait. I have to bwow up bweople's
No No No. Don't look at it that
way. You're just... taking care
of a few bad apples.
Oh! That's a relief! I mean there's
way too many bad people, and I
think something super duper serious
needs to be done about them and, to
be honest, if I heard someone else
downplay kablewing, like you did,
normally I wouldn't be so sure if I
should trust them, but the fact
that you were nice enough to give
me all this money just for
spwooshing people's bwains must
mean you're extra dextra wextra
Oh. Thanks. I guess.
Bob grabs an extra large bag of weapons and a dossier. Gwen
stares at the bag amazed, as Bob opens the dossier to an
image of GEORGE WILLIS (20s).
Now, this is one of the bad apples
we were just talking about.
Gwen, paying no attention to Bob, reaches to grab the bag.
He rolls his eyes and tosses it into Gwen's warm, cuddling
See, this man wants to risk
depriving millions of Americans of
their jobs by leaking secrets about
a well-loved oil conglomerate.
That's terrible! Jobs are super
triple wipple important.
Yes, yes. You're right. That's why
it's so important that you have to
go stop him now.
Gwen meanders towards the exit. She's not 100% sure she's
doing the right thing. She looks back at Bob, and tilts her
head, awaiting confirmation. He gives it to her through a
gentle, but eager, motion to leave.
(waving while walking out)
Okay! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye!
INT. ADAM'S HOUSEHOLD/LIVING ROOM - DAY
Floor covered in candy wrappers and months-old leftovers.
Nobody even pretends to give a crap about cleaning here.
SUZY (7), Gwen's sister, is situated on the couch. She piles
spoonfuls of a full tub of ice cream into her mouth, letting
drips stain her over-sized business suit.
Surrounding Suzy is a suited-up staff of stuffed salesmen,
with MS. FLUFFY, a stuffed bunny, seated as her right-hand
Gwen walks in eating a bag of cheese-wiz with some chips
underneath it. She's quite comfortable, despite the massive
book-bag weighing down on her back.
(to stuffed animals)
How are me and Ms. Fluffy ever
gonna reach our dreams of buying
the world if you keep wasting our
firm's money on worthless stocks
like Funland Toys, who haven't made
a pretty pink toy car that balances
my needs for fun and style in
Gwen raises an eyebrow and tilts her head.
Suzy, why are you trying to buy
really big companies when you could
build up a bunch more power by
buying businesses with teeny tiny
That's too big of a risk for our
fledgling firm. Which would be real
if mom bought the equity I asked
for for my birthday. Speaking of
which, she left us dinner, by the
She points to a melting tub of ice cream on the kitchen
Ice cream! For the 14th night in a
Gwen rushes towards it and piles it on top of her chips. She
returns to the couch, ready to dig in, when her phone
Ooh, I gotta do my super- important
Gwen pulls a tablet from her bag. She uses both hands to
shovel food into her mouth while answering questions with
(pointing to Gwen's snacks)
Where'd you get the cash for that
Gwen sneezes and shakes off her snot like a wet dog,
If you really wanna know, I just
got a super cool new job.
She jumps back into her quiz.
Suzy sneaks a peak at the app. Her eyes widen when she sees
all gory questions showing Gwen how to kill people.
Wait, are you working as a--?
Suzy lets out an excited SQUEE. Gwen covers her ears and
squeezes her eyes shut.
Why are you so happy?
I mean, you literally get to crush
the competition. Except for the
tiny difference that you're doing
it with people instead of
Gwen rolls her eyes and looks away.
Please can you let me and Ms.
Fluffy help you with management, or
research, or something? We promise
we'll be super professional.
Gwen glances back at Suzy's big begging eyes. They are too
cute, even for Gwen.
Fine. But you better not get your
little kid blood on my snacks.
INT. HOTEL/HALLWAY - TRACKING
Peeling wallpaper. Rusty door handles. Not somewhere you'd
expect someone worth the effort of getting a hitman hired on
them to stay.
Gwen's eyes wander around the hall, amazed. She chews on
licorice from one hand and holds an assault rifle in the
Suzy rides in her bag, excitedly showing the dossier with
Hey Gwen. Do you think it's smart
to be carrying that thing now?
Well the nice man on the TV said
people get super hurt when guns are
present, so I'm just hoping that if
I do a really good job holding
this, eventually Willis will get
super hurt too.
(looking down at dossier)
They approach room "3-13".
Hey, Ms. Fluffy, isn't that
Gwen kicks down the door into
INT. WILLIS'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Personal belongings are neatly put together, but it is
Aw! He's not here.
Suzy's eyes light up. She SQUEES and drums on Gwen's head.
What's with you and happiness?
(climbing out of bag)
Don't you see Gwen? We're getting
to do the funnest part of a hostile
takeover. Understanding your
target's deepest darkest weaknesses
to take advantage of later.
Suzy strolls around the room, giggling. She gets to the
closest and studies the suits inside.
(looking at Ms. Fluffy)
What do you think girl? This guy
must be pretty important.
Or maybe he just thinks he is.
Gwen looks around the room, unsure what's happening. She
notices Suzy heading to the dresser. Gwen, trying to figure
out what she should be doing, tilts her head and copies
Suzy's inquisitive expression.
Oh! I know what's going on.
Gwen picks up a vase and smashes it. She continues her
rampage on the small furniture around the room.
Suzy climbs to the top of the dresser and notices a letter
addressed to Willis.
Oooh. What do you think this is,
She peaks inside and sees it's an invitation to an
environmentalist dinner happening right now. She turns to
tell Gwen, but is immediately overwhelmed by a tsunami of
disappointment when she sees what she's up to.
Gwen. What are you doing?
(smashing a lamp)
Suzy shakes her head, trying not to lose whatever little
sanity remains in the room.
You know, it's a federal offense to
go through someone's mail.
INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT
Formally dressed 20-somethings fill the fancily decorated,
but clearly aging, building. In the back corner are Gwen and
Suzy. They hide behind a potted cactus.
Suzy yanks a pair of binoculars from Gwen's bag and uses
them to search the room for Willis.
Gwen, stuffing her face with chocolate, searches her bag for
the right gun.
Hey Suzy? Which do you think is
(holding up the MK-13)
making Willis really red, but
really really fast
(holding up the AR-50)
or making Willis really really red,
but only really fast?
(nodding at the AR-50)
Yeah. Really really red.
Suzy eventually finds
He sits with his equally suited-up acquaintances.
Yeah man. I just gotta find some
sort of way to tell the world how
great I am for finding out about
PEARSON OIL's big EPA scandal.
Our acquisition's in sight.
Look at him. Talking about taking
innocent people's jobs under the
evil guise of saving the planet.
She aims the gun at Willis. Suzy's expression goes blank as
the morbidity of what's about to happen dawns on her.
Wait, I... I haven't gotten enough
Gwen pulls the trigger.
Like shit, dude. I can't decide
where I'm gonna speak first? Maybe
Dubai, or Calgary, or Oslo. They're
all pretty nice and I bet they'll
all thank me for saving the world.
He picks up his glass of water. His movement is just enough
for Gwen's bullet to miss him and instead bounce around the
room. Panic ensues as patrons, including Willis, duck for
Suzy ducks down, pulling Ms. Fluffy closer to her. Gwen's
eyes joyfully lock on the bullet.
Do bullets normally work that way?
It lands back in Willis's glass, shattering it. All the
patrons rush out, terrified.
(tugging on Gwen's shoulder)
Uh, Gwen. I think, maybe, we should
exit this transaction.
Ah, but I didn't get to see any
bwains go spwoosy.
INT. HOTEL/HALLWAY - NIGHT
Gwen, depressingly sprays whipped cream into her mouth,
letting it pile. Her feet, and the AR-50 drag down the
Suzy follows after her, focused on the ground, still
disturbed from the events that occurred in the ballroom.
Suzy, what if we never get Willis?
What if he lives forever and the
jobs never get saved?
Oh, yeah, uhm. Look, I'm sure
you'll probably solve this with
your unique Gwen brand, maybe.
They freeze. A POLICE OFFICER stands in front of Willis's
Suzy squeezes Ms. Fluffy, terrified. Gwen tilts her head and
waltzes towards the officer
Gwen! Get back here!
Gwen taps him on the shoulder.
The OFFICER jolts around to face the teenager, who's now
playfully rocking her arms back and forth.
Oh, good evening ma'am. I'm just
responding to a call for another
break-in in this neighborhood.
That's terrible. It must be
terribly wearily awful to have
someone force themselves into your
room just to break all your super
nice stuff. I mean who in the whole
wide world would do something so
Oh no, no. Everything will probably
Willis stammers up to his doorway, drenched in sweat.
Look man. I escape a shooting and
come back to find my room trashed.
Clearly, this must mean I'm so
important that Pearson wants to get
rid of me, before I leak info on
The Officer makes a "crazy" expression, aimed at Willis, to
Gwen. She shrugs back.
Please, dude, even you should be
smart enough to see someone's
trying to stop me from saving the
world! I mean, the dude behind this
was even crazy enough to commit a
federal offense by looking through
Suzy lets out a nervous giggle.
I'm sorry. Calming this one's
probably gonna take a while.
Will you fucking...
(takes a deep breath)
Look. I don't know if you
understand, but my life is
important. Somebody, should protect
it or I could... I could die.
(tugging on Gwen's leg)
You know, I think it's time for Ms.
Fluffy to get her beauty rest.
Look sir, I might not know much
about leaks or saving the world,
but I do understand courtesy. And
it is not courteous to interrupt
the conversation I'm trying to have
with this very polite young lady.
He motions to Gwen, who's licking her arm like a cat.
Willis puffs. He's had enough. He looks at Gwen's gun.
Well if you won't protect me I'll
just protect myself.
He reaches to grab it. Gwen nibbles on her arm, oblivious.
The Officer pulls out his gun and aims it at Willis's head.
Sir, what are you doing?
Suzy holds Ms. Fluffy closer to her and squeezes her eyes
Gwen, looks up, only now realizing the events unfolding.
The Officer fires the gun at Willis's head.
Gwen tilts her head, feeling nothing except mild curiosity.
INT. BOB'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY
Bob stares at Gwen and Suzy shocked.
Wait. He went out like that?
It just happened. I didn't think it
would be so fast or like this, but
As Suzy talks, Gwen focuses on a moth flying around her. She
tries swatting at it, swiveling around to keep it in her
sight. She makes a full circle, sees Bob again, and
completely forgets about the moth.
Wait a minute! I saw Willis's
bwains go spwoosy. So, I
technically finished the mission
and saved the jobs.
Bob is taken aback by Gwen's quick change of emotion.
Well, even though you didn't really
follow corporate training, the job
was technically done for our
I'm just glad the paperwork for
this shit's on that donut-licking
bastard's hands instead of mine.
The moth reappears and flutters past Gwen. She snatches in
her mouth and eats it, exerting her dominance.
Well, I guess you two deserve a
congratulations for getting this
taken care of, and, might I add,
noticeably more alive than most
Gwen sits back, quite proud of herself. Suzy leans in to
object, but draws a blank.
You know what, I might as well just
accept this madness.
Bob hands them another dossier.
Here's your next project. I,
normally don't say this, but I
actually expect good work, and good
commissions, from both of you.