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Rated: 18+ · Chapter · Action/Adventure · #2228697
A wannabe cowboy takes a job that's more than he signed up for.
Part 1

Fuck This. The heat was unbearable. Trotting through a craggy desert in search of some huge-fucking-normus castle. On some bullshit errand. Ohhhhh Cowboy go save the princess, you’ll be a hero and everyone will love you…something something… also I’ll pay you. That’s all I needed to hear. But that ratty looking seer bastard could’ve mentioned the exact coordinates. He paid me to go to the castle in Cydonia, and rescue the princess. But I should’ve asked exactly where. Cydonia’s Huge. It could be anywhere. I mean I’ve been looking all… Oh there it is.
I could tell it’s the right castle. You wanna know why? BECAUSE THERE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CASTLES IN CYDONIA YOU MORON. WE ARE ON MARS. The closer I got the more I realized how much this was going to be a bitch to do. The walls were massive stone monoliths. The castle itself was enormous. Pale walls with Gothic architecture, like it belonged in a shitty horror movie. Like something you’d find in Vatican City on Earth. But with less pedophilia. Beware and turn back signs littered the area. Anyway, that’s not important, what’s important is that I’m all in black in a desert, sweating my ass off. I need to get over the wall and get inside, but how?
Cortez and I followed along side the wall. Looking for a way in. Cortez was getting pissy. He was always a pissy horse. Always bucking me off. But he was fast and that usually came in handy.
You could tell the castle was old. The walls were cracked and vines had started to overgrow. How vines can grow in the desert, I don’t know. The cracks in the walls were large, it had looked like this place was sieged. Good for me because I had found my way in through a large crack in the wall. I crawled through a hole in the bottom of the wall. Surprise to me when I felt grass on the other side. I got back up and dusted myself off. I saw Cortez through the cracks. “Stay here”. I put my hand up to help convey my message. “I’ll be back”. I turned around and made my way inside.
I found a way in through a cracked window. Surprisingly castles on foreign planets have air conditioning. Which was awesome. Cortez would be jealous. The castle was bigger on the inside. I didn’t know where to start looking. This chick could be anywhere. What’s the old cliché, the princess is always in the highest tower? Guess I had to find the stairs. I searched for the main entryway. The stairs had to be there.
The castle was very untrustingly quiet. The warning signs outside s worried me, and also the fact that I hadn’t encountered anyone trying to kill me yet. That was the usual. “What would try to kill me in an abandoned castle?” Then I heard it, a loud roar and a noise like a gust of air. “Me and my big fucking mouth”.

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