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Rated: 18+ · Other · Emotional · #2230107
feeling in my head
have you ever felt inadequate ? like you don't belong or just don't fit in anywhere? I feel like this daily. I have more then most have and they would feel blessed. truth is I feel like I've accomplished nothing for my age. I have failed many things in life and I wish things were a lot different. I wish being like everyone else was easy but its just not. truth is if I really told people what really goes threw my mind, they would think I was completely insane. might even wonder how I live. I've never felt or experienced real love that's a given. my parents hated one another and I was sent in to foster care and group homes after my moms boyfriend molested me and I got taken away after she chose him over me. so instead of him being punished I was. I lost everything that day and not one person cared or even took a second to ask me if I was ok or what I needed or wanted. from that point on I raised myself ran away from my placements went in an out of gangs and juvenile detention centers. till I was old enough to sign myself out of care. every relationship I've been in has been ABUSIVE, ARGUEMENTIVE AND TOXIC. yet no matter how bad it was I always stayed. Till I got older and started doing things for myself. my brother took me in but in doing that he pretty much controlled everything I did even my body. he basically owned me and I was property for all his friends, when I refused I was beaten and chained or tied up and used for days. he called it being broken in to learn my place. I've never come forward or have told anyone about any of this excepts my new boyfriend i am with now. but lately I seem to have flash backs and it starts to get to me as well as some things my bro used to say. with my flash backs starting my brother showed up today and everything flashed in front of me. he made it clear that he can n will do whatever he wants. that my relationship is in my head and I'm not capable of love or anyone loving me. that's how he made me. he said know one can undo the training and damage stuck in my brain that the vacation i am in wont last forever and ill be back in my place soon enough. reminds me of what my bf said to me last night. he no longer believes i love him but just keep him around cause im scared to be alone. but that's not true in fact i love being alone and i push ppl away most of the time to stop myself from being attached where I get hurt. I am not sure why I can not be happy lately. I'm trying I really am but for some reason I am alaways fighting myself to smile and keep one. I am so stressed out and I cant seem to find out why or become unstressed if my life depended on it. I am feeling trapped within my own mind and drained in everything I do. I cant seem to grasp what is real anymore and what is in my head. I love my man but I cant seem to go or get back to where we were before he went back to jail. I just feel like the more I get attached the more I'm going to hurt when he leaves or gets taken away again. I cant help but feel and think I'm loosing him and it wouldn't hurt as much if I just faced facts. he tells me he feels like I treat him like shit and I don't love him he thinks I just don't want to be alone is why I keep him around. I have a lot going on and battling myself seems to be a daily thing. I literly just want to die. I want my life to be over so I die now with everything and not have to face loosing anything waiting to die. I just cant take anymore of my life the way it is and every little thing is making my head explode. I cant seem to distress or release tension at all. Idn what was different before but I was always to tired in a different way before then I am now. i have no idea if its cause we don't have sex as much as we used to.or the fact i just am in i hate myself mode lately. either way i spend more time obsessing ways to die and popping pills just to ignore the day to a point it just passes by and i can stand myself long enough to pass out. i really don't know if anything can help me. i literly get so mad i cant relase it just builds up till I'm sexed hard enough for it to release or it keeps building and i snap. I'm trying to control it but i cant. by the time i even think about it or how ive already snapped. i don't want to fight i want what we had but its like its gone. him going to jail changed everything and i don't know how to get it back and forget . its changed a lot of my thinking and i just cant focus long enough to turn my head off and just think and breath ive already went over the deep end. any suggestions be great. thanks for reading
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