Wrestling with God
|god I wish i wasnt gay
i wish i could feel what i wanted without a second thought and know i could marry whomever i wanted and know with certanity this part, at least, isnt broken
everythings broken i know this but already i don't know him dont know anything and now hes silent on what i dont know is a major issue or not but picking a side is causing me so much pain you'd think hed let me know?
youd think me staying up all night my longing for whats false my crying out for him me begging for some clarity would bring about some type of response at all but theres nothing, theres never anything at all
theres so many good godly educated spirit lead people on both sides and i dont know whos right because each say the other is headed down and i dont know who to believe and they tell me believe Him but the only way i know is through other people interpreting him because he refuses to speak to me and i dont know whats real and what not or what to believe or how to think and i just want him to answer
why wont you answer?
im not supoosed to struggle through this life alone you say this so many times over
ask and youll recieve
seek and youll find
knock and itll open
let the one who desires wisdom only ask and it will be given him (always him. am i a girl is this the problem? doomed to stay silent and helpless condemned from birth because of my sex and sexuality?)
the persistent widow
pray for revelation i have god, so many times ive cried out, far too young to have been worried about my entire eternal life
i am the one who doubts. tossed about by every wave of doctrine, unstable in all my ways? thats me. If a smoldering wick you will not put out, but refuse to help it either, it will never grow into a flame. A dying candle will not stop dying if left alone and im so alone god
show me that you are better than anything my stupid flesh could want because right now youre not real to me
all that keeps me from going out and living how i really want to is the terror that ill burn forever and this is not what you want i know its not
i see others in love with you, head over heels and awestruck and i want that. ive been so indoctrinated in romance and desire and passion i think that other people are the highest forms of love. prove me wrong god i want to explore the very depths of your love, show me that a taste of you is far greater than anything this world could offer because right now youre not and its ripping me apart
it kills me inside that something that feels so loving and beautiful and pure and natural could be evil, all the time, and even when im strong in my convictions its beautiful to me
i die thinking of the painful sad joyless life of restraint and hidden scolded longing that i have ahead of me and i dont want this to be all, god i dont, i hate it.
i want to go to pride. i want to date a girl, listen to girl in red, write gay fanfic, i want to read gl and love slash ships, i want to support my friends and help the desperate, i want to affirm all the beautiful people i see struggling with this and i dont know how and i dont know if im allowed and i feel so trapped stuck in this boxed up world where i can only think to myself and pretend someone listens
if you care, if youre good, if youre there if you exist at all please show me because im drowning and i dont know how to save myself. i know i cant youve said so yourself but no one else is helping me and the life i see seems so good
save me from myself and show me you because i dont believe youre worth it right now