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As all of my foundational pillars crumbled, I thought my father would still stand. |
I remember being intimidated by you It's my first memory of you Tall, bulky and tattooed I was both afraid and proud of you I loved you, and you loved me, yes But it took some time for us to become close I wasn't adventurous like you wanted I know you wanted a son, whose name you had already chose You told me to always keep my word To stand up for those around me You told me that doing the right thing was seldom easy You said not to believe everything I see I clung to that, embodied that I embraced truth, kindness and morality Instead of praising me like I expected You made fun of me for being too good, with too kind a mentality We became the best of friends I looked up to you as a teen We would ride together to the hardware store And sneak to our favorite soft-serve shop for ice cream You told me that nothing could ever stop you From being my best friend You said that it was me and you Until the bitter end The pain of our family often dug deep Trauma follows me like a shadow still You were the only solid thing I had The one hope I thought life couldn't kill Things got hard, when you and mom split I was an adult with children of my own I sat with you in the garage every night Watching you cry as you waited for her to come home I sat by your side and I told you I'd be there I promised you that you'd never be alone I reminded you that it was you and me, Dad That in our friendship, we'd both find a home But, gradually, things began to change You met your now-wife and a new reality emerged There was no longer room for me in your life That reality felt like being submerged For many years I was drowning in the loss of our friendship I was lost, no longer able to trust others Instead of helping me, you called me "insane" And tried to pit me against my mother When I tried to end my life When I called you in tears Begging you to care My only friend for years You told me I was "fine" You said maybe it was my time You stopped answering my calls You let me fall God damnit, that hurt It seared through my heart like a hot coal The knowledge that you no longer cared for me, were a friend to me, It destroyed a piece of my soul It's taken me years, Dad, to get to this place To understand that we aren't guaranteed time To realize that all relationships can be broken To accept that friends can become strangers anytime It was like you had died I mourned you, I cried for you I blamed myself for your silence As those who hurt tend to do I picked apart everything I had said All the things I had done But you know how many faults I found in myself? Zero. Not one Over time, the pain has been forged into anger When I think of what was, a numbness pervades I'll admit that it still brings me to tears to remember But thinking of you no longer feels like swallowing blades I kept my promise, Dad I did what you taught me You were never alone, never without a friendly home It was you who broke all of your promises, the friendship you swore to keep It's been a long road and often lonely I'll admit, I almost call you every once in awhile But just as my finger nearly selects your contact I stop myself - I never dial Because I'm sick of the fakeness Sick of the emptiness Sick of the grandstanding Sick of the pettiness I wasn't enough And that use to hurt too But the real problem with our friendship Was never me. It was you. |