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Rated: E · Bulletin · Other · #2241665
Printed with consent from ilovecheese, the author.
Disclaimer: The author that wrote this left the site before I could send the review, so it's here for them if they come back, and so potential review requesters can get a feel for what to expect. The contents concerning Draven, Dewa, or the smaller text isn't mine. My work is the size 3.5 Verdana, the red and blue text. The black Arial is theirs.


Alright! Let's get started, why don't we?

To start off, I really like this. I'm fairly knowledgable about the world of Pokemon, although I never watched the show, I did collect the cards, and still have them. Your knowledge was consistent and you didn't overwhelm me with a ton of phrases and things I wasn't familiar with. You have talent for sure, which is one thing that's hard to fix if it's absent. There are a few minor technical things that are a bit obvious, but can be overlooked and don't subtract from the enjoyableness of the story. I also have a couple of suggestions for what you could change to make it look more cohesive.

Separate the Bio. You can do this by adding some underscores, located next to the zero key, and then highlight them and click align center (at the top, 8th down the list). This isn't something that has to be changed and doesn't take away from the readability or enjoyability of the piece, but you might consider it. It'd look like this:


Bio:
Name: Draven Waitson
Age: 11
Height: 4' 9"
Likes: The video game Pokemon games from Gen 1 through 3 though he knew some Pokemon from Gens 4 and 5, Playing games, Helping people out.

Dislikes: Hurting people who don't deserve it, Jerks.

Some more random info: He has braces. He once had the pokerus on his whole team of pokemon in Pokemon Ruby, but it never went away.
Has a temper sometimes.

____________


Draven is walking home from
school one day muttering about the English test he had to take.
"Stupid English, if I didn't speak it I would just forget it outta my life!" Draven muttered.
Then he got home, got out his key, and unlocked the door.
Draven opens the door and begins freefalling!
(Cue the song, Freefallin' by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers)
Draven wakes up in a bed, but something seemed off...


Something else is the phrase "Forget it out of my life" (I bolded it above). The sentence doesn't make the most sense in the context, maybe consider changing it? I would suggest changing it to "forget it" or "get it out of my life" So the sentence would read either "Stupid English, if I didn't speak it I would just get it outta my life/ forget it!" Otherwise, your dialogue is really good. It flows, there isn't an absence of feeling, and it isn't awkward to read. Good work there.

I like the inclusion of the music, it's a fun little twist and nice to think about while you're reading. It gives the reader an opportunity to put the actual music on, like a backing track in a movie. I'm also a Tom Petty fan, so I might be biased. :)

You do change tenses a little bit, as well as saying "Draven" a bit too much as opposed to the pronoun "He". If you don't mind, I'll post your work below and fix the tenses and other little things I see, so you can read it in its entirety and decide whether you like how it sounds. It'll look like a lot, but trust me, I've had way, way worse.


Bio:
Name: Draven Waitson
Age: 11
Height: 4' 9"
Likes: The video game Pokemon games from Gen 1 through 3 though he knew some Pokemon from Gens 4 and 5, Playing games, Helping people out.

Dislikes: Hurting people who don't deserve it, Jerks.

Some more random info: He has braces. He once had the pokerus on his whole team of pokemon in Pokemon Ruby, but it never went away.
Has a temper sometimes.
____________

Draven is walking home from
school one day muttering about the English test he had to take.
"Stupid English, if I didn't speak it I would just forget it outta my life (I addressed this, it's your call)!" Draven muttered.
Then he got home, got out his key, and unlocked the door.
Draven opensed the door and beginsan freefalling!
(Cue the song, Freefallin' by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers)
Draven wakes up in a bed, but something seemed off...

He sat wondering what was off for about 30 seconds or so.
(Cue Jeopardy! Think! Music)

FINALLY, he realized, oh (I'd take this out, it interrupts the flow) everything was ginormous, and he, in comparison, was very, very miniscule (you misspelled this, minuscule).

"Just my luck, maybe the occupants are freindly (friendly) since they bandaged me up?, GAAAAHHHH!"

Draven had tried to sit up and he felt pain everywhere, so he layed back down.

Then he heard a feminine voice.

"You are awake now?" said the voice.

It had come from the door way but the placement of the bed and how far open the door was, inhibited his ability to see who was talking.

"Would you like to see me, there is no way for you to see me from there, and besides, brace for it, I do not think your kind has seen anything like me before." tThe voice said.

"O-O-Okay, s-show yourself!" Draven replied. (Side note: I really like this dialogue here. It's good.)

In the room came a GIANT Dewott at least 50 feet tall. or !

Since Draven had braced himself, he did not yelp or anything like that, but he did jump.

The Dewott giggled at that.

"I am going to check your injuries to see how they are doing, don't worry, I'm not going to eat you, or anything like that!" the Dewott said to Draven.

So As the Dewott was removing the bandages, she felt Draven shaking.

"Relax, I am not going to hurt you!" the Dewott said. in response to Draven's shaking. (It's already known that Draven is shaking)

Feeling more relaxed, Draven asked the Dewott her name.

"My name is Dewa (Do-a) and in case you can't tell, I am a Dewott." Replied Dewa

"Do you need anything?" asked Dewa.

"May I have some water please?" Draven asked in return.

"Coming right up!" Dewa remarked and she raced out the room toward (where Draven assumed) the kitchen.

Dewa came back with a small makeshift cup made out of leaves.

By the time Draven iswas done, Dewa suggested, that Dravenhe rest a little while longer before Dravenhe should do too muchmany active activities.


FOUR HOURS LATER (I underlined it, you can or opt not to)

Dewa was gently poking Draven to get him to wake up, for it was time to eat supper/dinner and he had been sleeping for FOUR hours.

"Five more minutes, Mom, surely it's not time for school yet? " Draven muttered, half awake half asleep.

Dewa giggled, then said, "I never realized you had braces, they just make you look cuter!"

"Oh, wait, that's right, I'm am not at my house!" Draven said, now fully awake, both at the remark of his braces, and add "that" or "because" he realized he humiliated himself in front of a female giant (swap these, giant female) pokemon, who by rights, should not exist.

Draven (quite literally) face-palmed himself.(This made me laugh. Well done)

"Time for dinner!" Dewa said very thoughtfully.

While they were eating dinner, Dewa a basket of (giant, to Draven) Oran Berriesgiant Oran Barries to Draven, while Dravenhe is eating one.:

"Oh, I am so stupid!" Dewa suddenly exclaimed.

"Wait, what, how?" Draven asked.

"I never asked you your name, but you were nice and gentlemanly asked me my name earlier!" Dewa explained.

Draven assuresd her she iswas fine.

"My name is Draven." Draven answered. Dewa

"Also, where am I?" Asked Draven

"Emerald Island. or !" answered Dewa.

"Oh, I like the name!" Draven said.

"Me too, it just sounds so grand, so majestical!" Dewa agreed. (nice bit here too)

They both kept up a steady stream of chatter for about an hour or so, until they both started yawning.

"I think it's time for bed." said Dewa.

" Agreed!" Agreed Draven use something more neutral like "said" here

"Oh, that's what I forgot, I didn't make a bed, I am do (so) sorry, do you mind sleeping in my bed tonight?" suddenly exclaimed a suddenly flustered Dewa.

"Uh, sure!" Draven answered, just ever so slightly blushing.

Draven and Dewa both traded good nights, and fell off to sleep.

Part 2- A surprise visit, a new knower of Draven, and even a legendary pokemon! (I suggest making this larger and maybe underlining it. You can do this by highlighting the text and clicking the 3rd button and the one that looks like 3 S's, I used the 3.5 size option here)

Overall, I really, really like this piece. I'm going t o review your other as well, and I plan on using the same style review unless you wish otherwise. Don't get yourself down about the punctuation, it's really no big deal, like I said earlier, it's much harder to learn how to write interesting things than to learn punctuation. Keep working hard and you'll get it!

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