U N S T A B L E
That has been the favorite choice word to describe me, everyone's go to, a simple yet painful low blow.
I have BPD (Bi-polar disorder), PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), Manic Depression, Anxiety, and just over all trauma from my past. Yes I suffer from all of this and then some. I am on 3 different medications to treat my symptoms and triggers that cause "episodes" from the BPD.
Honestly I am a mess, sure I'll admit it.
I'm all over the place.
However I do not think of myself as a mess where I'm out of control or anything. Maybe a lot to handle or deal with, yeah sure.
If I didn't have to deal with my self every day I SURE as hell wouldn't.
So I guess, I get it.
I have been in this dark hole for so long it's pretty much part of my personality, being miserable.
So I welcome the darkness now, accepting that it is a part of me.
The dark cloud, it will always there looming in the distance, following me, ready to rage and churn a storm at any given moment.
There was a whole month where I legitimately did not move from my couch.
I lived in the darkness, became it.
Maggie drove up from Virginia because she was having a rough time but I think she helped me more then I helped her.
She started to clean my room for me and motivated me just enough to clean myself.
My room was so messy and over whelming she knew I was never going to get it done on my own and truthfully if it wasn't for her you still wouldn't be able to see my floor.
Margaret Jeanette Shafer is my best friend for close to a decade now. I think her full name sounds like a celebrity even if she does hate it. So we will just stick to Maggie and Maggie I would say is the family I chose for myself.
She has saved me more times then I can count. She is a bright light behind the storm cloud and I am thankful for her light every day.
Maggie is not just a beam of light she is also one of the very few people (and I mean FEW people) who get it.
Or gets me I should say.
Maggie...she just understands and if she doesn't she tries too.
She'll listen, talk, voice her opinion, and ALWAYS is supportive.
Threw thick and thin I can count on Maggie.
Maggie has never not once, called me unstable.
I GET IT
I'm like 3G wifi from the early 2000s.
Only good during certain hours of the day. May or may not work and constantly running slow except for the first two days after you pay the overpriced internet bill.