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Rated: 18+ · Script/Play · Comedy · #2249285
Making sure the next party doesn't end up like the last - with the German Police!
INT. COMPUTER SCREEN - NIGHT

Overly happy Berlin couple FRITZ and his partner INGRID have the main screen on a video conference call with DIETER (like “Sprocketts” from SNL), GUNTHER (deep voiced and somewhat monotone), NENA (also deeper voiced), KLAUS (sounds like he is yelling everything), and HANS (in dramatically lit German Expressionist black & white, stone faced and unblinking when speaking) - all in their own windows in the gallery. Everyone takes the main screen when speaking.

INGRID

Ist so good to see all of you again after our last get together was cut short by the raid which resulted in Fritz’s und mein short stay in jail.


FRITZ

Da, Ingrid! It was very informative und we have been given much clarification on what is allowable for our next fetish party mit observing COVID restrictions.


DIETER

But your last event was so good, I thought the aggressive incarceration mit full body cavity search by der Police was part of it!


Everyone agrees.

INGRID

Danké Dieter! Well, as Fritz mentioned, we now know what we can und can not do, so we would like to share those guidelines mit you now.


HANS

Der death hound ist blowing his breath in mein soul.


FRITZ

We couldn’t agree more, Hans. For instance, we were told that everyone must wear a mask.


GUNTHER holds up a LEATHER S&M MASK.

GUNTHER

So... I can continue to wear my leather mask mid the zippers?


INGRID

This is what we thought as well, Gunther, but not that kind of mask. It must be medically approved.


Gunther holds up a BALL GAG in his other hand.

GUNTHER

What if I can get a prescription for my ball gag?


INGRID

Nein. The mask is for preventing transmission not promoting submission. More like a cloth one that stops droplets of saliva from sneezing or coughing.


As she takes the main screen, we see NENA is wearing a shirt that says “SUPER SPREADER” and holding a BELT.

NENA

What about droplets of saliva from choking?


FRITZ

Well, Nena, I’m afraid all approved masks would also prevent the saliva droplets from choking.


NENA

We shall see. I love a challenge.


Nena snaps the belt.

INGRID

Not to pour hot wax all over everything, but we must address the six foot rule.


KLAUS

If limiting myself to licking only six feet a night will help curb this disgusting virus, I will do so for the greater good. I just need to know if there is a limit on the foot size.


FRITZ

Not that kind of “foot” rule, Klaus. Everyone must keep a safe buffer zone of six feet between each other. There needs to be social distancing in addition to the emotional distancing that normally happens.


Ingrid holds up some ROPE.

INGRID

Basically, the length of bondage rope for a standard double arm bind. All of you are familiar.


Nena holds up a WHIP.

NENA

Yah! Or the length of mein whip!


Nena cracks the whip. Klaus holds up a blank two-circle Venn diagram with a darkened center. He refers to it as he speaks.

KLAUS

In the overlapping circles of “safety” und “enjoyment” for your party, rest assured you will find me mid both feet firmly planted in the venn-gina of this diagram.


INGRID

Danke, Klaus. Of all the places for you to plant your feet, this is the most helpful.


FRITZ

Our authoritarian friends have informed us that anyone not observing either of these rules would be handcuffed & locked in a cage - and not in a good way!


HANS

Who will look after der abandoned child? Der angels? God? Satan? Nein. Ist Emptiness.


INGRID

So true, Hans. So true. They also strongly suggested that we adopt a more strict anti-virus hygiene protocol in curbing this nasty plague. As a result, we will be mixing bleach into all of our lube.


Ingrid holds up a bottles of BLEACH and LUBE.

DIETER

Ooh, I have heard from some world leaders on social media that getting bleach inside of you is a most effective way to combat the virus, but it is being ridiculed-hashtag sad.


INGRID

We should also practice washing any part of you that has come in contact with any or all bodily fluids - after every interaction.


GUNTHER

Does this exclude douching and/or enemas?


FRITZ

Sorry Gunther, it does not. You may want to stay close to the washroom. We all know how popular you are.


GUNTHER

I shall. Cleanliness is next to godliness und godliness is next to submissiveness, after all.


INGRID

The recommended washing duration is about 20-30 seconds. You can make sure of the time by singing a song!


Fritz holds up a CD (vinyl?, Spotify playlist on phone/iPad?) of David Hasselhoff’s “Looking For Freedom”.

FRITZ

May we suggest the chorus to David Hasselhoff’s “Looking For Freedom”. It is both the perfect duration und message.


Everyone excitedly agrees. Fritz plays it?

INGRID

Before we wrap up, Fritz and I wanted to go over some of the symptoms to be on the look out for.


HANS

Love ist blackest of all plagues, yet it cares not for death, only eternal pain.


FRITZ

Once again, Hans, you have hit the nail on the penis. The first symptom is a fever. So, to be safe, we will be using a forehead scan to take your temperature when you first arrive.


INGRID

Don’t worry, Dieter. You can still have yours taken rectally.


NENA

I will be more than happy to administer the thermometer.


DIETER

It shall be the candy waiting for me in your windowless van of compliance.


FRITZ

Next is getting a sore throat. This is referring, of course, to having one before the party.


NENA

To anyone with a sore throat after the party, my harness and I would like to preemptively say - you’re welcome.


INGRID

By keeping all of this in mind, we should be able to, once again, be free of judgement und live our best lives.


FRITZ

Free of COVID or getting pinched by law enforcement like so many clothes pins on your scrotum or labia. Sound good everyone?


HANS

To believe is to suffer. Ist like loving someone in der dark who never answers.

(beat)

Und mein new safe word ist... pandemic.


END

Text copied out of WriterDuet and pasted in with character name centered and dialogue marked as "quote".
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