On the subject of mindfulness.
At this very moment I am also struggling to control my own emotional response to something. I have just ctrl-a-deleted an ENTIRE letter that I had carefully spent so..SO much time in writing. One that I believe to have been so lovingly articulated that I am finding it very difficult to start over now with the same level of peaceful contemplation. However, I will take this as a lesson in stoicism and in the acceptance of what I can no longer control and to remember that I love to write anyway. Perhaps in the process of my attempting to recreate a near replica of the first one it might even become all the more valid and thoughtful. I'm starting over now with an entirely new composition instead of a stacked reply because at least here I have the option of using the undo button if I accidently start deleting whole paragraphs. So let's try this again shall we... lol
What I was hearing when I read your email this morning was that you were observing and studying yourself from the perspective of a higher intelligence and that the woman in pain was not the real you. In so many words I heard you imagining her as a stone or a tightly wound string whose vibration was out of tune with the frequency of your desired personality. That you actually felt sorry for her and had decided it was a good process to allow for the reflection of tears adds to the depth of your ability to provide a beautiful blend of balanced wisdom to your troubles.
I feel that your ability to study yourself in a place of mindful detachment is the very key to a proper alinement of balance. Balance is something we should continue to draw on every moment of every day. It's the Jedi way. And even as the wounds of the past cannot be changed neither can our ability to control the future. What you had done under that tree was a large part of what stoicism has based its entire philosophy on. It may be within reason to remember the past but not to repeat it and our fantasies of the future through the projection of positive thoughts alone are even less wise. Until we become fully aware of a deeper level of acceptance, of that in which the only true control we have is within this very present moment alone, we will continue to bounce back and forth between the good and the bad polarities of our universe. The emotional self that we call feelings, is in direct polarity to the side of intelligent reasoning and wisdom that we view as better, but we'll cease to exist in a state of positive or successful change unless we train ourselves to listen to both sides with an equal purity of balance. This is probably why you're attracted to the silence within. Like Yoda says, "You will know the truth when you are calm."
We can't grow in the creation of the universe without the two polarities of emotion and logic there to provide us with enough perspective and insight to formulate a valuable goodness into existence. All that exists in the universe that we know is simply change and flow. Whatever we know to be good and bad, right or wrong, love and hate are simply illusions that we've created in our effort to experience a "role" as you put it. Better yet, the universe uses the unified consciousness of all existing perceptions whether it be in our form or not to create an expanded self through the eternalness of change either becoming or to not become. Plato said that he believed the nature of all creation is in its goodness. Like when something evolves simply because it finds a better suite for itself.
We're all products of our environment just as much as our conscious belief structure is a product of the external world around us. This little person that lives inside of our heads controlling whether or not we allow the body to reflect in a way that we chose is the same as the universes conscious will to live through the existence of all things and if we don't remain balanced in our own mental spaces we will be drawn to an emptiness like that of a black hole that draws everything into it from the planets, stars and all the molecular forms of our reality. Even light itself. Into the "Dark Side". But even that then is perhaps only the beginning of a new perspective.
You replacing your reactions with a momentary pause for mindfulness is your own creative success. Illusions or not. Inch by inch, day by day by loaded memory of habit you are creating the subconscious change from within, in which your minds influence over your body comes into the unseen progression of everything it comes into contact with. I think your mother calling you a soldier is fitting to the nature of your ability to respond mindfully just like the word responsibility actually means; the ability to respond in the right direction. Your son is truly blessed to belong to you. Or better yet, for you to belong to him.
All my love,
I may have gotten a little carried away this time. The original message was much more personal and empathetic. But the point remains the same.