Winner! The Writer's Cramp 7/10/21 664 W/C
The Sunday paper had a coupon from “Happy’s Best Vacations”. If I wanted, I could book an endless cruise with free drinks.
Well, I was intrigued. There was nothing in the fine print restricting me from traveling on certain days, or limiting months, or any such nonsense. I had to call and check this out.
“Hello and thanks for calling ‘Happy’s Best Vacations’. This is Sheila. How may I make you happy today?” She sounded way too cheery for a Sunday afternoon.
“Hi Sheila. I just saw an advertisement for an endless cruise with free drinks. Can you tell me more about that?”
“Sure thing! We are offering a cruise that never ends. And the drinks flow like water. You’ll be happy when you go with ‘Happy’s Best Vacations’!” Sheila sure did sound like she’d been drinking already.
“I can read that in your ad. Can you tell me where this goes and when do you leave?”
“I am glad you called. The cruise will be departing Miami on July 1st. The cruise will go around the ocean. And the drinks flow like water. You’ll be happy when you go with ‘Happy’s Best Vacations’!”
I checked the date on my computer and in the paper. There seemed to be some confusion.
“Sheila, I think your information is a bit mistaken. It’s July 10th. How could the cruise depart on July 1st?”
“Well, the cruise will depart on July 1st. From our dock in Miami. The cruise will take you around the ocean. The cruise will be endless. The drinks will flow like water. You’ll be happy when you go with ‘Happy’s Best Vacations’!”
Sheila now sounded a little rattled. Perhaps she was stuck in some kind of time warp, like in those old Twilight Zone shows. So I decided to have some fun with this. No way was I cruising with Happy. But I could have fun with Sheila.
“So Sheila, if I was to book a cruise with you today, when would I have to be in Miami?”
“I am glad you called. If you book your cruise with ‘Happy’s Best Vacations’, we will need a valid credit card, your name and address, the names of your parents, the name of your dog, the names of your neighbors, and the year you graduated from high school.”
“Okay, but when do I have to be in Miami?”
“‘Happy’s Best Vacations’ requires all passengers to be at the dock in Miami a week before the cruise departs on July 1st.”
I am now trying hard not to laugh.
“Sheila. So what you’re saying is that I need to be on the dock, with my luggage, on June 24th, for a cruise that departs July 1st. That’s what you just said.”
“I will be glad to book your endless cruise with ‘Happy’s Best Vacations’ at this time. The drinks will flow like water. I just need a valid credit card, your name and address, the names of your parents, the name of your dog, the names of your neighbors, and the year you graduated from high school.”
Three others are now here with me, we’re on the speakerphone, and trying not to laugh.
“Okay Sheila, here’s the card number. 4000-0000-0000-0000. It expires 07/01/20, my name is Mickey Mouse. I live at 21 Sesame Street, New York, NY, 10000. My parents are George and Julie Mouse. My dog is Pluto. My neighbors are Bert and Ernie. I graduated from high school in 2032.”
“Thank you, Mr. Mouse. I have your reservation all set. Your confirmation code is ‘155 happy’. I have charged your card in the amount of $1 million dollars. Thank you for calling.”
The line went dead. But we started laughing, shrieking, falling down. Was this for real?
Suddenly my computer binged with a new email message. It was a confirmation from my bank. A debit from my account from ‘Happy’s Best Vacations’ had just drained all my assets.